Right now, the conservative response to the SCOTUS ruling on marriage has me feeling a bit like Michael Corleone in “The Godfather III”:

I mean, seriously, this marriage thing is settled and I’m more than ready to move on. But, every time I think I can, some holier-than-thou dickweed crops up and I cannot keep from responding. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because they’re shitting on people I care about. Maybe it’s because I am pathologically unable to pass up an opportunity to be a snarky, sarcastic asshole. I honestly do not know. And, at this point, I’ve given up trying to understand and just go with it.

This time, it’s the fine folks over at The Gospel Coalition and their recent article, “40 questions for Christians now waving rainbow flags” by Kevin DeYoung. 40 fucking questions?!? My God, who has time to wade through that much bullshit? Okay, since I’m retired, I probably do. But, still, that’s a lot of questions. Seriously, Kevin, you could’ve made your point with less than half that many. What are you, some kind of overachiever or something? Fuck.

Before we go any further, let me put your mind at rest and assure that I’m not going to go through and answer all 40 questions. There are two reasons for that: 1) Others have already done so (R. L. Stoller and Buzz Dixon, for example) and 2) concentrating long enough to read and answer all those stupid-ass queries is completely beyond me because of my ADD. However, due that aforementioned inability to let an opportunity to be an ass slip by, I knew I had to find a way to write about this slice of…, shit, I don’t know what to call it. After dedicating literally minutes of thinking to the problem, I decided to go with my default setting: mockery. I mean, you gotta play to your strengths, right?

On the surface, DeYoung’s piece looks like a pretty well-thought out and grace-filled article. But, it’s not. If you dig a little deeper, you begin to notice a different tone; one that says “All you heathens are going to hell for this”. That’s really not surprising when you consider the source; after all, most of the folks at TGC are Calvinistas and thinly veiled contempt is about the best you can expect from them.

That contempt shines through most brightly in this sentence: “If you consider yourself a Bible-believing Christian, a follower of Jesus whose chief aim is to glorify God and enjoy him forever, there are important questions I hope you will consider before picking up your flag and cheering on the sexual revolution.” You don’t have to have made too many trips around the block to know that a statement containing the phrase “Bible-believing Christian” isn’t going to consist of anything good. Basically, it’s Christian code for “If you don’t agree with me, you don’t believe th Bible. Ergo, you are not a Christian.” I’m sure Jesus used the term himself on many occasions. (You can’t see it, but I rolled my eyes when I said that)

And, let me say that if your chief aim as a Christian is “enjoy” anything, you’re probably doing it wrong. Christianity isn’t about you or your enjoyment, it’s about making the world a better place. Until everyone has enough to eat, clothes on their back, a roof over their heads and all the other stuff mentioned in Matthew 25, your personal gratification shouldn’t be a consideration. And, even though it doesn’t specifically say so, I’m pretty sure treating people as equal human beings is included in that.

As for the questions, a lot of them could be answered with “John 13:34“, “Mark 12:31” or “Because I’m not a douche.” Seriously, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or, in this case, a biblical scholar) to understand that denying people who are LGBT+ the right to marry the person they love goes against a Gospel preached by a man whose radical inclusiveness was legendary. And, that means it’s just plain wrong. Why is it so hard for some people to get this? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way. I know the answer.

DeYoung ends the article with this little dollop of “wisdom”: “Food for thought, I hope. At the very least, something to chew on before swallowing everything the world and Facebook put on our plate.” Food for thought, indeed. One thing DeYoung made think about is how fucking sad it is that “the world” and Facebook seem to have a better grasp of the Gospel than a man who’s a pastor. Understand that I use that title in the loosest possible sense, because there’s not a god-damned thing that’s pastoral about this article.