Category Archives: Same-sex marriage

Pat Robertson: Wordsmith

0_21_robertson_patAfter a month or so of going at Pat Robertson and Franklin Graham pretty hard, I decided to take a break from writing about their shenanigans. That hiatus was still in force this morning when I was going through my emails and found a Google alert about the host of The 700 Club that linked to a Right Wing Watch article with this title:
Robertson: ‘Homosexuals … Want To Come Out And Stick It To The Christians’
But, wait; it gets better! Robertson also used the phrase “organized thrust” just a few words later.  I think you can see how irresistible this was.

Robertson’s complaint came in connection with a story that ran on CBN’s website that “reported” on the awful persecution American Christians are suffering these days. According to Alliance Defending Freedom attorney Matt Bowman, asking people like Kim Davis to do their damn job is part of an attempt by progressives to push our agenda. How? By “redefining jobs”, of course.

According to Pat, expecting people to do what’s in their job description is “tyranny” because “Believers should not be forced to do something they don’t believe in”. Hell, I don’t believe in paying interest on loans; since the company that holds my mortgage is American, does that mean I drop that and just pay the principal? That would be pretty freaking sweet because it would save me nice chunk of change.

In his own classically clueless way, Pat says that being LGBT+ “used to be considered perversion, it used to be considered an abomination”. And, he’s right; Leviticus 18:22 does say that. But, it is interesting to hear this statement coming from man wearing clothes made of different fabrics, with a nice haircut and fresh shave, and who quite possibly had shrimp or barbecue for lunch. I guess those “abominations” don’t count. Funny how that works, huh?

I find it…, thought-provoking? No, what about “fascinating”? Not that either. Hmm, maybe “intriguing” is the word I’m looking for. No, that’s not it either. Let me think for a minute. Hey, I’ve got it: “fucking ridiculous”.  As in, I find it fucking ridiculous that Pat Robertson can go on television and say, with impunity, that expecting people to what they were hired (or elected) to do is “absolute tyranny” and that you’re standing up “for freedom” by insisting you be allowed to continue discriminating against people who are LGBT. Imagine if Christian leaders had said this kind of stuff about interracial marriage? Oh wait, they did.

I keep hearing people carry on about how holding someone to the agreement they made when they took a job is “tyranny” or “persecution” or any number of other inflammatory terms. And, they would be right…, if the employees in question were being in those jobs against their will. But, they’re not. Every person crying “Persecution!” in these cases are free to leave and find a job that won’t infringe on their personal beliefs. Sounds like some folks need to learn what “persecution” actually means.

Look, you can believe whatever you want to believe; in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, that an evil, alien space lord dumped billions of his people in a volcano and blew it up or that the Bible says “gays” are an abomination. But, what you can’t do is use that belief to deny people their inalienable rights. Especially when you want to do that while collecting a government paycheck. If you ask me, that’s an abomination.

Modern-day Pharisees

IslamicChristians_thumb[110]It’s a well-known fact that conservative Christians are the modern-day equivalent of those legalistic, New Testament buzzkills known as the Pharisees. From their obsession with sex to their penchant for out-of-context quotation of the Bible, conservatives are doing their level best to live out H. L. Mencken’s definition of puritanism: “The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.” (because progressive obsessions [political correctness, gun control, non-violence, etc] are so much fun).

Take that Kim Davis woman, for instance. Where does she get off claiming “God’s authority” in denying others their legal right to marry when she’s been married 4 times herself. Someone needs to tell this woman that Jesus didn’t say anything about being gay, but he had plenty to say about infidelity and divorce (He also had a lot to say about not judging others and loving our neighbor, but let’s not muddy up the waters with such inconvenient passages). And, now she has a  book deal? Seriously? (Actually, she doesn’t. But, again, why wast time considering things that contradict what we want to believe?) And, what’s up with that hair? If she wasn’t so shitty to gay people, maybe she could find someone to take care of that for her. (Yes, because “the gays” are all about doing some hair.)

I just don’t get all this bigotry against people who are LGBTQQIP2SAA (explanatory link included for all the troglodytes who can’t keep up with this ever-changing acronym. And, I include myself in that category). Why, oh why can’t they be as Christ-like as we progressives are and join us in this march toward justice for all? I realize this shakes the foundations of everything they’ve been taught, but if they’d join us in the 21st century (and by “join us in the 21st century”, I mean “acknowledge that we’re right and they’re awful people”), things would be so much easier better.

As much as I don’t get their anti-gay stance, the political beliefs of conservative Christians baffle me even more. I mean, these people support Donald Trump, for God’s sake! Think about that for a minute; followers of Jesus, a man who preached radical inclusion and eschewed wealth and all its trappings, are losing their minds over a narcissistic money-hoarding billionaire with a xenophobic streak a mile wide (yes, progressive politicians, like Hillary “I love Wall Street” Clinton are pure as the driven snow). Honestly, though, my biggest issue is their mixing of faith and politics (something progressives would never do themselves). Okay, so maybe we do allow our faith to influence our political beliefs, but our intentions are good (and we know what road those have paved).

Isn’t it great to be a progressive Christian? I mean, what other belief allows you to fill social media with posts pointing out (to God and everyone else) all the ways you’re not like those bigoted, narrow-minded conservatives? 

I’m A Little Disappointed

After all the doom and gloom from conservatives, this what I've been expecting.
After all the doom and gloom from conservatives, this what I’ve been expecting.

So, it’s been two whole weeks since the nation was told it’s facing a disaster of biblical proportions and what’s happened? Nothing. Not a damn thing. No fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. No rivers and seas boiling. We haven’t begun forty years of darkness and there have been no earthquakes or volcanoes. The dead aren’t rising from their graves and there’s no human sacrifice and no mass hysteria. Shit, dogs and cats aren’t even living together (well, they are. But you know what I mean). In other words, none of that real wrath of God stuff despite what certain people continue to promise us. I have to say, I’m a little disappointed.

I mean, shit, if we’re going to go to all the trouble of redefining marriage, the least the Almighty could do is give us a preview of the smack down that’s in store for us. It is possible, however, that a recent article on Gawker may have stumbled onto that very thing. Just two days ago, Hamilton Nolan reported the following incidents:

  • The New York City subway system suffered an atrocious commute Wednesday, with some trains being inexplicably stranded in stations for long periods of time.
  • The website “The Dissolve” folded
  • United Airlines was forced to ground all of its flights after its computer system mysteriously stopped working.
  • The New York Stock Exchange suspended trading after its computerized trading system mysteriously stopped working.
  • Immediately after, the Wall Street Journal’s website mysteriously stopped working.
  • More than 2,500 people in Washington, DC mysteriously lost power.

Is it just me or is that pretty fucking weak even for a preview? Seriously, it’s going to take a lot more than a piddly list like this for God to our attention these days.

Of course, earthquakes, volcanoes and the like probably won’t do the job, either. Those things happen often enough that they’ve become so much background noise to us. No, if God wants to grab our shirt front today, God needs to hit us where it hurts. Like, say, interrupting our internet service. Think about, millions of hipsters/millennials/whoever the fuck subscribes to Netflix unable to catch the latest ‘sode of OITNB or House of Cards? Oh, the horror! Or, what if God waved a mighty hand and wiped texting from the face of the Earth? Not only would that get our attention, it would ring in the Gaypocolypse with the kind of style I, personally, like to see from a deity.

But, before you get all wound up about the wrath of the Almighty think about this: if God didn’t smite the United States over holding millions of people in bondage and getting rich off the sweat of their brow, I think we’ll be okay. If God let us slide for committing genocide against the native population of this continent and stealing their land, I don’t think we need to worry. Because we rounded up hundreds of thousands of Japanese-American citizens for no good reason and put them in concentration camps and God still didn’t see fit to punish us, we may be all right. And, since God didn’t pour out his wrath over the disenfranchisement, marginalization and even lynching of African-Americans, we may not need to worry too much because we’ve seen fit to recognize LGBT+ people’s equality when it comes to marriage. That doesn’t mean there isn’t plenty of work still to be done when it comes to equality and loving our neighbors, because there is. And, if God is going to smite us about anything, I have to think it would be over our reluctance to do that work, not its accomplishment.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

satire defGeez, it seems like no matter where I look these days, there’s god-damned rainbow staring me in the face. It’s all over Facebook and there are pictures of that damned flag everywhere. Hell, I’ve even seen a couple in real life. And, that this is happening as the Confederate flag is coming down makes things even worse. For the life of me, I cannot understand why the gay flag is okay, but the Confederate one isn’t. Oh sure, the rainbow flag is a symbol of a marginalized group fighting for equality and the Confederate flag has a long, ugly history of use by racists and bigots, but that’s no reason to support one over the other, is it?  Who, oh who is going to stand up for all the good, God-fearing Christians out there?

Well, we have our champion and it’s all thanks to the gays and Obama’s cowtowing to their agenda. That little stunt of bathing the White House in the colors of the rainbow was a step to far and now the big guns are out. That’s right, Franklin Graham is pissed. And, of course, he took to Facebook to vent his spleen about your usurpation of such a fine Christian symbol. Check this out:

Franklin Graham rainbow white house

And, guess what bitches? It’s going viral. I know it is because the Conservative Tribune said so. What’s that? You’ve never heard of the Conservative Tribune? Well, let me clue you in. They are the website that brought us such hard-hitting journalistic pieces as “Famous Fast Food Chain Bans Wet Wipes So Muslims Aren’t “Offended” and “America-Hating Obama Unveils Sick Plan That Will End July 4th As We Know It“. I wish I had more info on them but, alas, they don’t have an “About” page and there’s almost nothing about them available on the web. Oh well, you know what they say: “If it’s on the internet, it must be true.”

But, that’s enough about those fine upstanding newspeople at the Conservative Tribune. Instead, let’s talk about God’s voice on earth. No, silly, not the Pope; God abandoned Frankie when started in with all that commie stuff. The man claims we need “a better distribution of wealth”. Doesn’t he know that God is a free-market capitalist? Seriously, he won’t shut up about all that “justice” crap. I don’t know about anyone else, but thinking about that stuff is hard and makes my head hurt. Lucky for me, God has chosen to speak to humankind through Franklin Graham, a man who spends his time worrying about the issues that really matter to Jesus’ followers. Like whether the President is really a Christian and what will happen to America now that we’ve thrown out God’s word and embraced apostasy. And, by “apostasy”, I mean “equal rights for gay people”.

So, the Supreme Court signs on to Big Gay’s agenda to destroy the United States and, in celebration, Obama lights up the White House like a big ol’ gay flag? Really? On the 4th of July, did he light it up in red, white and blue? I think not. But, then what do you expect from someone with such a shady background. Seriously, we still haven’t seen his birth certificate, yet (well, not one we’ll acknowledge, that is). It’s not bad enough that we’ve accepted the abomination that is gay marriage, but now we’ve allowed the gays  to co-opt the rainbow and use it to mock us? God is going to get us for that.

Of course, there are some liberal wags who suggest that if God didn’t smite the United States over holding millions of people in bondage and getting rich off the sweat of their brow, committing genocide against the native population of this continent and stealing their land, rounding up American citizens of Japanese descent and putting them in concentration camps and the disenfranchisement, marginalization and even lynching of African-Americans, God probably won’t pour out his wrath on us because we’ve seen fit to recognize the equality of people who are LGBT+  when it comes to marriage. Well, I’m sorry, Mr/Mrs Liberal, but “probably” just isn’t good enough. Besides, if I stop worrying about the non-existent possibility that God will punish us for loving our neighbor, I might have to actually do the hard work of, well, loving my neighbor. And, I’ll be damned if that’s going to happen.

Well played, Arkansas. Well played.

This past weekend, the League of the South’s Arkansas chapter  celebrated America’s birthday with a rally in support of “traditional marriage” and, get this, the Confederate flag. I’ll pause here for a minute to the deliciousness of that irony sink in…, is that not awesome? Of course, it’s easy for me to revel in this amazing display of cognitive dissonance since it’s in Arkansas and not North Carolina. I suspect Jena Barber, the friend I must credit for bringing this morsel to my attention, doesn’t share my enthusiasm.

Now that you’ve stopped laughing at the sheer insanity of the event, you may be wondering, “Who the hell is the League of the South?” Oh, I’m so glad you asked (even if you didn’t). The League of the South is a crazy, whacked out group of secessionists who just happen to have their own private army. Oh, and they’ve been designated a Neo-Confederate hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. Of course, they don’t describe themselves that way; according to their website, they are “a Southern Nationalist organization whose ultimate goal is a free and independent Southern republic.” Right, because we haven’t lost that war already.

Why am I so happy about something that gives a black eye to the South; a region I love, warts and all? Because it’s not often I get I handed a gift like this. I mean, seriously, an organization designated a hate group by the SPLC has a rally in support of “Traditional Christian Marriage” and the Confederate flag? At the same time?!? Seriously, as a professional smart-ass, how could I not be thrilled by this breathtaking exhibition of cluelessness? If what you’ve read so far isn’t enough, here are 5 more reasons why:

  1. The historical amnesia _ Robert Miller, Arkansas’ Chair of the League of the South, said “the Confederate flag has about as much to do with racism as a Krispy Kreme donut has to do with representing police“. Okay, that’s not really what he said; that quote comes from a blog about Nickelodeon cancelling “The Dukes of Hazzard”. Miller actually made some rambling statement about racism being “irrelevant” and a tool “to silence the enemies of the left”. But, the sentiment is basically the same. Was the flag in question flown by the army of a country who justified owning black folks by counting them as less than human? Sure. And then, 100 years later, was it used as a symbol of defiance against the federal government as they enforced laws granting those black folks equal rights. Absolutely. But, that’s not racism, it’s our heritage.
  2. It’s a Confederate flag rally…, on the 4th of July _  Yes, this was a rally to support the flag of an enemy on the day that celebrates the birth of United States. And, not only that, the rally was staged by a group that wants to leave this country. Why, that  makes perfect sense.
  3. “Traditional Christian Marriage” _ Up until this point, I’ve mostly been talking about the flag, but there’s no way I could let this slide by. “Traditional Christian Marriage”, huh? Right, because marriage hasn’t changed one little bit over the years: marriages are arranged by families, women are basically chattel and are betrothed at ages as young as 12, divorce is the sole province of men, etc. Just so you know, I didn’t go back to the first century for those ideas; that’s the way marriage was in the United States as recently as the 1800’s.
  4. Cultural Genocide _ Yes, removing a symbol that is offensive to 30% of a state’s population from the grounds of a building that’s supposed to represent those people is “cultural genocide”. Just like the recognition that other people have the same rights that you’ve enjoyed for years violates your religious liberty.
  5. Freedom _ “Unless we are removed from them, unless we are free, unless we secede from the Union, we will never see a free south again.” Said by a man who is the state chairman of a group advocating an illegal act, while waving an enemy flag. And, didn’t get arrested for doing so.

I have to admit I’m a little jealous, though. I mean, North Carolina’s entry in this round of the “Race to Crazy” sweepstakes is sending a Klan group to Columbia SC to protest the discussion of another state to remove the flag from their capitol grounds. While that is some Grade A racism, it’s nowhere near as imaginative as a 4th of July rally in support of the Confederate battle flag and “traditional” marriage. Well played, Arkansas. Well played.

40 Freaking Questions?!?

Right now, the conservative response to the SCOTUS ruling on marriage has me feeling a bit like Michael Corleone in “The Godfather III”:

I mean, seriously, this marriage thing is settled and I’m more than ready to move on. But, every time I think I can, some holier-than-thou dickweed crops up and I cannot keep from responding. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because they’re shitting on people I care about. Maybe it’s because I am pathologically unable to pass up an opportunity to be a snarky, sarcastic asshole. I honestly do not know. And, at this point, I’ve given up trying to understand and just go with it.

This time, it’s the fine folks over at The Gospel Coalition and their recent article, “40 questions for Christians now waving rainbow flags” by Kevin DeYoung. 40 fucking questions?!? My God, who has time to wade through that much bullshit? Okay, since I’m retired, I probably do. But, still, that’s a lot of questions. Seriously, Kevin, you could’ve made your point with less than half that many. What are you, some kind of overachiever or something? Fuck.

Before we go any further, let me put your mind at rest and assure that I’m not going to go through and answer all 40 questions. There are two reasons for that: 1) Others have already done so (R. L. Stoller and Buzz Dixon, for example) and 2) concentrating long enough to read and answer all those stupid-ass queries is completely beyond me because of my ADD. However, due that aforementioned inability to let an opportunity to be an ass slip by, I knew I had to find a way to write about this slice of…, shit, I don’t know what to call it. After dedicating literally minutes of thinking to the problem, I decided to go with my default setting: mockery. I mean, you gotta play to your strengths, right?

On the surface, DeYoung’s piece looks like a pretty well-thought out and grace-filled article. But, it’s not. If you dig a little deeper, you begin to notice a different tone; one that says “All you heathens are going to hell for this”. That’s really not surprising when you consider the source; after all, most of the folks at TGC are Calvinistas and thinly veiled contempt is about the best you can expect from them.

That contempt shines through most brightly in this sentence: “If you consider yourself a Bible-believing Christian, a follower of Jesus whose chief aim is to glorify God and enjoy him forever, there are important questions I hope you will consider before picking up your flag and cheering on the sexual revolution.” You don’t have to have made too many trips around the block to know that a statement containing the phrase “Bible-believing Christian” isn’t going to consist of anything good. Basically, it’s Christian code for “If you don’t agree with me, you don’t believe th Bible. Ergo, you are not a Christian.” I’m sure Jesus used the term himself on many occasions. (You can’t see it, but I rolled my eyes when I said that)

And, let me say that if your chief aim as a Christian is “enjoy” anything, you’re probably doing it wrong. Christianity isn’t about you or your enjoyment, it’s about making the world a better place. Until everyone has enough to eat, clothes on their back, a roof over their heads and all the other stuff mentioned in Matthew 25, your personal gratification shouldn’t be a consideration. And, even though it doesn’t specifically say so, I’m pretty sure treating people as equal human beings is included in that.

As for the questions, a lot of them could be answered with “John 13:34“, “Mark 12:31” or “Because I’m not a douche.” Seriously, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or, in this case, a biblical scholar) to understand that denying people who are LGBT+ the right to marry the person they love goes against a Gospel preached by a man whose radical inclusiveness was legendary. And, that means it’s just plain wrong. Why is it so hard for some people to get this? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way. I know the answer.

DeYoung ends the article with this little dollop of “wisdom”: “Food for thought, I hope. At the very least, something to chew on before swallowing everything the world and Facebook put on our plate.” Food for thought, indeed. One thing DeYoung made think about is how fucking sad it is that “the world” and Facebook seem to have a better grasp of the Gospel than a man who’s a pastor. Understand that I use that title in the loosest possible sense, because there’s not a god-damned thing that’s pastoral about this article.

You’re Making The Rest Of Us Look Bad

Between the craziness about the flag and the way conservative Christians have lost their fucking minds over the Court’s ruling on marriage, it’s an interesting time to be a progressive blogger with a snarky, sarcastic side. We’ve all seen the crap coming from Tony Perkins, Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum and a host of others.  But, the most consistent purveyor of bat-crap crazy has got to be Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association. In a field of frothing-at-the-mouth nitwits, Fischer manages to rise head and shoulders above all the others with utterances like this:

Bryan Fischer back of the bus
Image courtesy of Dan Arel’s danothropolgy blog on Patheos.







Yes, beloved, you can believe your eyes: a white guy just compared the imagined persecution of a bunch of (mostly) white people to the Civil Rights movement. Funny, I haven’t seen the cops turning fire hoses and attack dogs on conservative Christians because they’re protesting the recognition of someone else’s rights. My god, the irony in that statement is almost as palpable as Fischer’s cluelessness.

Sadly, that’s not the only demented thing he has to say on the subject; it was just another post in a Twitter rant that’s still going on. So far, Fischer has called the Supreme Court “rainbow jihadists”; said that Justice Kennedy “killed” the 1st Amendment; compared people who are LGBT+ to Nazi’s (aka “the Gay Gestapo”); claimed that SCOTUS released the ruling when they did in order to “turbo-charge gay pride parades” and said (this may be favorite) that the “Supreme Court makes it harder to go to heaven”. You know, Fischer’s ranting is almost as imaginative as that of Antonin Scalia. Were these two separated at birth or something?

As I said earlier, Fischer isn’t the only one saying this kind of stuff, he’s just the most…, let’s say, “interesting”. Now, most of these assholes have an agenda to push: Huckabee and Santorum are trying to whip their supporters into a frenzy that they hope will result in votes; Perkins and some others are attempting to scare people into sending them more money; a few, like certain people on Fox (I’m looking at you, Bill O’Reilly), are attention whores who desperately hope their comments translate into higher ratings. Almost none of these people actually believe the crap they’re putting out; it’s just a means to an end. Only a few, like Fischer, are “true believers” and are throughly convinced of the rightness (and, righteousness) of their message. But, that doesn’t make what they say any less stupid or damaging.

If the propagators of this bullshit were just sleazy politicians pandering for votes and attention whores trolling for ratings, it would be one thing. But, it’s not; almost all the ugly things being said about same-sex marriage, affordable health care, racism, income inequality and a host of other important issues are coming from people who claim to be followers of Christ. What…the…actual…fuck? Seriously, almost everything these people say is in direct opposition to what Jesus taught. What, you don’t believe me? Well, let’s a take a quick look:

  • Same-sex marriage _  this is a tough one, because Jesus didn’t say much about marriage in general and nothing at all about same-sex marriage. In fact, the only thing he did say on the subject concerned  divorce. While some folks try to say that passage somehow speaks to what Jesus thought about same-sex marriage or sexual orientation (concepts that didn’t even exist when this was said), that’s a stretch, at best. And, disingenuous at worst.
  • Affordable health care _ Again, we’re faced with a dilemma because, like LGBT+ issues, this wasn’t even a thing is the 1st century. And, again, Jesus never said anything about it. But, considering that most of the miracles he performed were healings, I have a sneaking suspicion that he’d be cool with the idea.
  • Income Inequality _ Finally some solid ground! What’s that you say? Jesus would never condone redistribution of wealth? Au contraire, mon frere. He specifically did so in Mark 10 (aka the story of the rich young man). So, yeah.
  • Racism _ Now, the J-man didn’t specifically speak about racism, but he did tell his followers to love each other. Losing your shit when we just talk about removing a flag that symbolizes racism and oppression to a lot of people in this country isn’t exactly what I’d call loving. Come on y’all, it’s not that god-damned hard to figure out.

Don’t get me wrong, though; I’m not saying you can’t agree with Fischer on these and other subjects. Hell, I’m not even saying that you can’t call yourself a Christian if you do. As proponent of free will, I believe you can do and say anything you want. But, if you decide to keep this up, I really wish you’d find another name for yourselves. You’re making the rest of us look bad.

I Hate The Supreme Court

So, this morning, I was working on a piece about some bat-shit craziness involving celebrity Christians and same-sex marriage. It was coming along really well and I thought, “Oh, this is going to be good.” Just as I was hitting my sarcastic stride, my social media feed began lighting up with news that the Supreme Court has ruled that it is now legal for all Americans, no matter their gender or sexual orientation, to marry the people they love. Which automatically meant whatever I was working on had to be put aside in favor of this bombshell. Fucking SCOTUS.

Don’t get me wrong, I am elated at this news. In fact, when I heard about it, my first thought was “Holy shitballs. Holy shitballs! HOLY SHITBALLS! Oh my god, you guys! They did it!” Okay, maybe not my first thought (see previous paragraph), but it was right up there. And, this is some momentous news, especially in light of what we’ve been dealing with lately. After years of fucking around, our country has finally done the right thing and decided to embrace a group of Americans that it has pushed to the margins for years. Okay, so maybe “embrace” is a  bit strong; how about “stop shitting on”, instead? Now, if we could just do the same for all the other people we treat like crap.

And I have to say I am amazed at the decision. Well, not the decision itself, but the writing. Not only did we get a ruling that moves one step closer to the equality that we claim as an American ideal, it does with moving prose, mostly in this one paragraph:

SCOTUS ruling







Nice, huh?

Since Scalia had written the dissent on the Obamacare ruling I was afraid we wouldn’t hear from him this time.  But, when I read that each of the 4 justices who ruled against wrote their own dissenting opinion, I was excited to see what everyone’s favorite conservative justice had to say; especially after that word salad on the other day. The man didn’t disappoint, calling today’s ruling a “judicial Putsch” and “threat to American democracy”. While there’s nothing so sublimely weird as “jiggery-pokery” or “pure applesauce” (from his ACA dissent), he did say that California isn’t a “genuine” Western state and compared Kennedy’s majority opinion to “the mystical aphorisms of the fortune cookie.” I’m telling you, the man has a way with words. Too bad that way sucks ass.

I don’t know about you, but I am god-damned tired of sanctimonious liberals and their attempts to sanitize our history. I’ve also had it with willfully fucking ignorant conservatives insisting that the Confederate flag has absolutely nothing to do with racism. So, in addition to being the right thing to do, this ruling from the Supreme Court is also a much-needed breath of fresh air. Seriously, I’m almost to the point of declaring “a plague o’ both your houses” and moving to a fucking cave in the woods, so I’m hoping the media will give the flag bullshit a rest for a couple of minutes and run something else into the ground.

Now, some of you might think this ruling means the fight over same-sex marriage is over and love has won. Oh, you poor deluded bastards. Do you actually believe that virulently anti-LGBTQ activists like Franklin Graham, Tony Perkins and Bryan Fischer are going to give up a cash cow like gay marriage? Not on your life. You only need to look at abortion to see that. It’s been 42 years since the Supremes ruled in favor of a woman’s right to choose and we’re still beat over the head with lurid tales about the murder of children and back door attempts by certain states to circumvent that decision. Oh no, my friends, this is not over. About the best we can hope for is that the dissent will die down to background noise while the rest of us move ahead.

There is one thing I’ll be awaiting with bated breath and that is the actions of people like Rick Scarborough, who said during a podcast promoting his Defend Marriage Pledge, “The preachers need to get out front, the leaders need to get out front, out front of these ordinary citizens and say, ‘Shoot me first'”, adding that “We are not going to bow, we are not going to bend, and if necessary, we will burn.” And, let’s not forget Glenn Beck’s “10,000 pastors” who are ready to “walk through a wall of fire, you know, and possible death.” Now, these pronouncements may sound brave and daring, but let’s be honest: they’re bullshit. You know, I know and they know that they’ll never have to put up; which means, unfortunately, that they’ll never shut up. But, seeing what crap they come up with next should be entertaining, if nothing else.

Okay, so I really don’t hate the Supreme Court. And, maybe, just maybe, the title to this article is slightly click-baitey. But, it got your attention, didn’t it? And, hopefully, you stuck around to the end here. If you did, I’m almost as happy about that as I am today’s ruling in favor of love. Shalom, y’all.

Here We Go Again

I'm just going to leave this right here...
I’m just going to leave this right here…

The Supreme Court will be deciding the fate of same-sex marriage this session and  the protesters are out in force. From both sides, of course, but I thought I’d take a look at some of the arguments of the folks on the anti- side by checking out their signs. I would say they’re full of shit, but that wouldn’t be nice (maybe even mocking and sarcastic) and I’m trying not to be ugly these days. So, let’s just say I find their logic (not to mention their compassion)…, lacking. Check these out:

  • “Protect marriage and protect innocent children”   By not allowing gay folks to get married? Really? Look, marriage was in the shitter long before same-sex marriage was anyone’s horizon. In other words, we straight folks have fucked it up all by our lonesome. So, why not let people who are LGBT have shot at it. They can’t do any worse than we have. Besides, don’t they deserve the right to be just as miserable as we are? And, as for protecting children, protect them from what? Being molested? Right, because only people who are gay molest children.
  • “Follow God’s Directions: ‘One Man, One Woman'”  I notice you don’t use the phrase “Biblical marriage” anymore, why is that? Maybe because you figured out the Bible doesn’t back up your definition of marriage? So, now it’s “Follow God’s directions”. Tell me, where did you find these directions? Did God send you an email spelling them out? I’m sure all your divorces are just fine, though. While we’re on that subject…
  • “God made them male and female…, and said a man shall be joined to his wife.”  Which sounds really good…, until you read the whole thing and realize that Jesus was talking about divorce and not being gay.
  • “A Child Needs a Mom And A Dad”  Even if that dad is abusive or that mom is an addict? Look, I know you mean well, but seriously you need to stop with this shit because it’s just wrong. I mean, factually, not morally. Well, yeah, it’s morally wrong, too. But, that’s not what I’m talking about right now. There are plenty of kids who are growing up just fine with one parent, two parents, parents of the opposite sex, parents of the same sex, etc. What counts is love. And, not being an asshole (which is not the same thing, but it’ll do for a start).
  • “Today, man marries man. Tomorrow, man has civil union with his dog. Followed by man marrying his dog.”  Seriously? Can you look me in the eye and say, with a straight face, that allowing two consenting adult humans is anywhere near analogous to people marrying non-humans who do not have the capacity to consent?!? Sadly, some of you probably can. I’m not sure what to think about that.
  • “Stop Judicial Tyranny!”  It appears that some folks don’t understand the principle of judicial review, so here’s a quick and dirty breakdown: it is the job of the Supreme Court to look at the laws in this country and determine whether they are in line with the Constitution. You remember the Constitution, right? That’s the piece of paper some of you carry around in your pocket and pull out when it suits your purpose. The fact that you think the Supreme Court fulfilling its assigned duty is “judicial tyranny” leads me to suspect you haven’t spent much time actually reading it, though.
  • “Homo-sex Is A Threat To National Security.”  What…the…actual…fuck? I don’t even know where to start with this one. However, when I googled it to see if I could find where it came from, I saw it on a forum supported by the Landover Baptist Church (a satirical website that parodies fundamentalism and the Religious Right). Hopefully, that means this isn’t a belief that anyone actually holds. Hopefully.

So, do I think this “reasoned argument” against the ideas and beliefs of those opposed to equal rights for people who are LGBT will make a difference? Maybe. Maybe not. Okay, probably not, but a fellow has to try.

Good Job, Florida

Good job
Oh, Florida. It was nice while it lasted, though.

Recently, The Daily Show aired a piece about the fact that in many states, women do not have the option to terminate the parental rights of their attacker if they become pregnant as a result of rape. Yes, beloved, in 21 states of this great nation, it’s possible that a woman could have to co-parent with her rapist. That’s just fucked up. Interestingly, one of the states that does have legislation to prevent this is Florida. Good job, guys. And, as Daily Show correspondent Sam Bee pointed out, that’s not something you get say very often.

If that has you worried that the apocalypse is upon us, rest easy; Florida returned to its true form this week when their House of Representatives passed HB 7111. Titled “Conscience Protection for Actions of Private Child-Placing Agencies”, this bill protects private child-placement organizations from prosecution and civil suits if they refuse to place a child in a home that “would violate agency’s written religious or moral convictions or policies”. So much for that “Good job, guys”.

Of course, this bill says that agencies won’t have consider any home they feel violates their “written religious or moral convictions or policies”, but we know who they’re really talking about: the “gays”. Yes, because all gay people in the world have but one desire: to corrupt children with the idea that everyone should be able to love and live with the person that makes them happy. What an insidious idea.

Interestingly, unlike legislators in other states, the conservative proponents of Florida HB 7111 don’t make any bones about the bill’s purpose: discrimination. House Democrats tried multiple times to attach nondiscrimination amendments, but were rebuffed at every turn. One, that would have prevented the state from funding organizations that engaged in discriminatory practices, was met with this comment from sponsor of the bill, Rep. Jason Brodeur (R): “This amendment does the exact opposite of the entire bill. I would ask that you vote it down.” You have to admire his honesty, even if you hate what he’s being honest about.

Now, almost all of the current bills/laws centered around “religious freedom could very easily  come back and bite the proponents in the ass because it’s unconstitutional to make them applicable only to Christians. That means they could be used by Jews, Sikhs, Hindu’s and Muslims(?!?) to deny service to good, Christian folks. But, the Florida law has another apparently unforeseen consequence: it could open the door for discrimination against groups other than the dreaded “gay menace”. And, while in all too many parts of the United States, it’s perfectly okay to shit on people who are LGBTQ, it’s much less socially acceptable (not mention illegal) to discriminate against African-Americans, women (of the single, straight variety; lesbians, of course, are fair game) and other minorities. I wonder what would happen if a religiously conservative child-placement agency  refuses to place a child with a mixed-race family because they consider “miscegenation” a sin (these sects still exist).

One of the founding principles of this country is religious freedom. It was so important to our founding fathers that they included language guaranteeing it in the U. S. Constitution. I am fully in favor of the idea that every individual in this nation should be able to practice the belief of their choice in the way they see fit. What I’m not in favor of is people using freedom of religion to treat others like shit for whatever stupid ass reason they can come up with. If you want to be a fucking bigot, be one openly and don’t use God and the Bible to escape responsibility for your actions. That’s despicable.