Category Archives: sexuality

An Open Letter About My LGBT Kid

parkers-first-legal-beer
My son, Parker, enjoying his first beer. Okay, his first “legal” beer.

Lately, I’ve seen a few straight progressive bloggers write about parenting children who are LGBT. It might be speculation about how the author would react to the news that one of their kids is gay. Or, it could be an open letter telling parents what they should say to their LGBT kid. As the parent of a child who is part of the “T” portion (see photo at left) of that acronym, I thought I’d respond to this new blogging phenomenon. And what better way to do it than an open letter! I mean, they’re so effective.

 

 

Dear Progressive Bloggers,

     First, I want to thank you for your concern about my son and his well-being; not everyone feels that way. Here in North Carolina, we are dealing with a law that can put him in harm’s way whenever he’s out. And, I have seen some truly awful things said about him and other folks who are LGBT, so please be assured that your good intentions are appreciated.
     But there is a problem. You see, so much of what I read about parenting a child who is LGBT seems to be written by folks who either don’t have a kid who’s gay or they don’t have any kids at all.  Now, while I appreciate your interest in my child’s welfare, I have to let you know that any advice you might have to offer on how raise/relate to him makes me laugh. Honestly, you’re almost as funny as parents-to-be who claim they won’t let their child watch television because, “The TV isn’t a babysitter” (FTR, the TV is a great babysitter, it’s how most parents of toddlers get things done). And, your words carrying about as much weight.
     I find it interesting that actually having a kid who is lesbian, gay, bi, or trans  doesn’t seem to be a prerequisite for penning an article letting those of us in the trenches know just how we’re fucking up. Granted, many of us may not have those fancy letters after our name (MDiv, DD, etc.), but amazingly, we have managed to raise healthy, happy, astoundingly queer offspring without the benefit of your education, status and/or stature within the progressive community. Isn’t that crazy?
     Right about now, you’re probably thinking, “Well, this letter has certainly taken an ugly turn.” Yes, it has. And, you should probably grab hold of something because it’s about to worse.
     I don’t presume to speak for all parents who have an LGBT child, but I have had it up to here with sanctimonious, educated-beyond-their-intelligence, progressive preachers (because, no matter what you think, you’re not acting very pastoral here) telling me how to care for my son when they have zero skin in the game. Unless and until you’ve dealt with all the crap that comes with having a kid who is LGBTQ, your words don’t mean shit to me.
     I can hear some of you now, “But, Joel, we’re not talking to open-minded, progressive parents like you. We’re trying to reach those awful conservatives who have done so much harm to young people who are LGBTQQIP2SAA.” I hate to break to you, Skippy, but you ain’t reaching them. And, if by some weird chance they did click on your post, they wouldn’t make it past the first sentence of your holier-than-thou bullshit. Take it from someone who used to be one of those “awful conservatives”, words like “empowerment”, “parenting mantras” and that ridiculously ever expanding acronym used a couple of sentences ago are a one-way ticket to Ignoresville.
     So, what should you do? The same thing you tell those of us among the Great Unwashed to do when the conversation turns to issues other marginalized groups deal with: sit down, shut the fuck up and listen. And, if you want to do more, amplify the voices of people actually dealing with those issues. Because, right now? You’re just a “a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal”.

What Does “Alice in Wonderland” Have to Do With HB 2?

AAIWLast year, in a moment of what can only be called “insanity”, I decided that continuing my education would be a nice thing to do with all the time on my hands since retiring. While it has been…, let’s say, challenging, at some points, at others, it has been incredibly interesting. Take, for instance, the banned book essay I’ve been working on the last couple of days. I mean, who knew “Alice in Wonderland” had ever been banned? And, the reasons? Oh, you wouldn’t believe some of the reasons. Like the one I’m going to tell you about today.

It seems that, in 1900, Woodville High School in Haverhill, New Hampshire “suspended” Lewis Carroll’s “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” from classroom use. That’s what the sources say, not banned, but “suspended from classroom use” (not sure what the difference is, but it’s very specific about that). Why did they do this? Because they claimed it contained “expletives,sexual content and derogatory characterizations of a teachers and of religious ceremonies”. Well, okay then.

If you’re like me, you’re wondering “Where might these sexual references be found? In the caucus race? The Tea party? Maybe they’re in the Mock Turtle’s story or the Knave of Heart’s trial.” Who knows? Before you start looking for your copy of “Alice” to see if these accusations are true, let me save you the trouble: they are not. I just finished it a couple of weeks ago and I can’t think of anything even remotely sexual in the entire book.

Documentation for Woodsville’s claims is, evidently, lost to posterity; that’s if it even existed in the first place. One of my librarian friends (fyi, you know you’re a nerd if you have more than one friend who’s a librarian. I have two…, that I know of) told me that, quite often, the reasons books are banned hasn’t always been made clear or even given; at least not in writing, anyway. So, we are left with this odd little blurb that casts a less-than-wholesome light on one of the most beloved children’s books of all time. Weird, huh?

Okay, I know that was a lot of background, but I had tell you all that so I could tell you this:  Banning “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” for non-existent “expletives and sexual content” makes about as much sense as forcing trans people into bathrooms where they’re likely to be harassed because you’re afraid of mythical bathroom predators.

Just as I have to wonder what kind of mind can find sexual references in “Alice”, I also have to wonder what kind of mind can justify discriminating against people because they’re a minority, or they’re different, or they’re “scary”, or whatever, all in the name of protecting women and children from a non-existent threat. Especially when that means means exposing someone else’s children to a very real one.

That so many people who support HB 2 (and other similar laws) claim the name of “Christian” blows my mind. How the hell can you claim to follow a man who hung out with hookers, lepers and tax collectors and told his followers to love everyone and then turn around and dump on the most marginalized people in society (duh, trans folks) with laws that push them even further to margins? If you don’t think this kind of thing makes Jesus cry, you don’t know Jesus. At all.

Diddling For Demons?

graphic_contentToday, my friends, we’re going down the dark, creepy rabbit hole that is fundamentalist Christian sexual concepts. The one we’re looking at today involves demons; which should tell you just how fucked up things are in that realm. If reading something that makes you feel like you’ll never be clean again isn’t your bag, you may want to skip this one. Consider that last sentence your trigger warning/NSFW tag, because it’s the only one you’re getting. Okay, still here? Excellent, let’s get busy.

As I’ve said on more than one occasion, every now and then, the Internet gives you a gift. Yesterday, that gift came in the form of a Huffington Post article titled “Christian Author Mack Major Says Female Masturbation Is ‘Direct Path To Satan’“. I’ll pause for a minute to let you soak in all that delicious lunacy.

Okay, so a couple of days ago, it seems that “Christian author Mack Major” busted this nut:

masturbation

That’s right, ladies; buttering your muffin is how the Devil gets in.

But, wait; it gets better! On the blog post this status linked to, he wrote, “Many of you who are reading this have sex toys in your possession right now. And whether you want to accept it as fact or not: those sex toys are an open portal between the demonic realm and your own life.” He said, “open portal”. Huh, huh, huh.

As much as I enjoyed the unintentional “open portal” pun, perhaps my favorite thing in the whole article is the idea that masturbation can summon a sex demon and if one of those things jumps on you, all you’ll want to do is rub one out. In fact, it “will drive you to masturbate, even when you don’t want to. You’ll be hit with urges to play with yourself so powerful that only an orgasm will allow you some temporary relief.” Damn, Major just described my life from the age of 12 till…, well, now actually. Guess I have a sex demon. Or, maybe I’m a normal human being with a healthy sex drive. Who knows?

Speaking of sex demons,  if you do a Google image search for that phrase, you’ll find some weird shit. You’ll also find pictures of Miley Cyrus. That seems a bit harsh, when I think about it. Don’t get me wrong, no one was calling her a sex demon, they were saying she was possessed by a sex demon. What, the only way a woman could possibly take control of her sexuality after spending years having it suppressed in order to sell a bunch of crap to little girls is if she’s possessed by demons? Okay, then.

But, the real problem is the double standard that’s at work here. And, I am not happy about that. Considering that most of my readers are fine, progressive people like myself, I’m sure you feel the same. I mean, it’s just not right when one group gets singled out this way while the other is ignored. Seriously, how is it in any way  fair that when women masturbate, they call up the devil but when men do some handiwork, all they get is hair in the palm of their hand and blindness? That’s not right and someone needs to do something about it. Not me, though. Something’s just come up and I need to go take care of it.

Looking For The Bright Side Of NC House Bill 2

Or, in this case, an odious, discriminatory law.
Or, in this case, an odious, discriminatory law.

I’ve written quite few posts about NC House Bill 2 of late and they’ve been…, let’s say, “less than complimentary”. As a young man growing up in the South, one of the lessons that was beaten into me that I learned was if I couldn’t say something nice, I shouldn’t say anything at all. Sadly, the ship concerning the latter part of that adage sailed a long time ago. So today, in an attempt to live up to my raisin’, I thought I’d take a shot at finding something nice to say about a law that I have referred to as a steaming pie of discriminatory shit. Something tells me this may not be so easy.

First up, we have to address the fact that HB 2 has rekindled conservatives’ love of laws. I mean, they’ve spent years telling us how laws (of the gun control variety) don’t stop criminals. Now, however, they’re convinced this new one will prevent the awful (and non-existent) threat posed by bathroom predators. It really makes me happy to see my conservative friends embracing law and order once again.
Next up, there’s the way HB 2 has revealed the bigotry that abounds when it comes to LGBT folks, especially the “T’s”. Okay, the fact that folks don’t seem to have a single fucking qualm about shitting on people who are lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgender and the rest of the alphabet soup that makes up that acronym wasn’t exactly what you’d call a huge  secret. But, every so often, we seem to need reminders that people like to discriminate against those they don’t understand. And, more importantly, that doing so is wrong.
We can’t forget how House Bill 2 has helped shine a light on Republican hypocrisy when it comes to the best way to govern. For years, the GOP has championed small government and local control. But, since they took control in Raleigh 4 years ago, they’ve attempted to take over the operation of Charlotte-Douglas Airport, they did take over Ashville’s water system and changed the make-up of Greensboro’s city council, all without these cities consent or public referendum. Even if you disagree with their methods, you’ve got to admire their chutzpah. Or not. I mean, it is pretty shitty.
Finally, there’s the fact that our esteemed legislators didn’t say anything about religion, freedom or anything else along these lines. This is good because, for once, bigoted assholes aren’t hiding behind their faith while they treat people like shit; they’re hiding behind their wives and children. Is that just as much of a dick move as saying Jesus told you to discriminate? Well, yeah; if anything, it’s an even bigger one. But, at least the J-man is catching a break this time. God knows, he could use one.

Well, would you look at that? Turns out finding the bright side(s) of HB 2 wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I mean, all I had to do was turn my already jaundiced eye on the fetid swamp that is North Carolina politics and look beyond all the bullshit the GOP-dominated General Assembly is spewing to find the actual benefits(?) of House Bill 2. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to take multiple showers in what is probably a futile attempt to feel clean again.

A Response To The National Review and Jane Clark Scharl

Why is this so terrifying?
Why is this so terrifying?

On Wednesday, the National Review published an article by Jane Clark Scharl, titled “The True ‘Trauma Trigger’ That the North Carolina Bathroom Bill Is Designed to Prevent” in which Ms. Scharl gave us the “real” scoop on the Public Facilities Privacy & Security Act, (aka NC House Bill 2): it’s not about discrimination, it’s about protecting our women and children from evil bathroom predators.

Like pretty much everything else coming from conservatives about HB 2, Scharl’s article was filled with half-truths, obfuscation and outright bullshit. But, that’s pretty much the National Review’s stock in trade these days; hell, you might as well read “The Blaze” or “The Federalist”. But, as I said last Friday, you can’t let a little thing like facts get in the way of top quality fear-mongering.

Generally, the article continues the narrative that the whole thing is about bathrooms. Sure it is, that’s why it prevents local governments from enacting laws that extend protection to groups not included in its text, something that was ruled unconstitutional in Romer v. Evans (well, that’s inconvenient). And, it prohibits cities an counties from setting their own minimum wage. About the only thing these two items have in connection with bathrooms is the smell emanating from them.

On the Facebook post where they shared the article, the National Review claimed that “Liberals are PANICKING over something so very common sense.” Okay, let’s get one thing straight: there’s about as much “common sense” in the new NC law as there is truth in their article. HB 2 isn’t about the safety of women and children because there was nothing in Charlotte’s anti-discrimination ordinance that would’ve endangered them in the first place.

What Charlotte did with their now-overturned law was add “marital status, familial status, sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression” as protected classes. Now, you may be wondering how such a thing could lead to pedophiles molesting our little darlings in public restrooms (it wouldn’t, of course; but that’s irrelevant when you’re trying to scare people into voting for you). This incredibly creepy idea goes back to something I alluded to earlier, “the bathroom predator myth”.

The fantasy of evil men entering women’s restrooms for nefarious purposes is extremely durable, even though it has conclusively debunked. Probably because conservatives trot it out any time we talk about ensuring that people who are LGBTQ are accorded the same rights as straight folks. As, Enid Strict would say, “Well, isn’t that special?

I’m not sure where this fable came from, but it blasted onto the scene last year, when the city of Houston attempted to pass an ordinance that contained protections for the LGBT community.  In response, conservatives fought this effort by making it all about “men” having free access to women’s restrooms, even though they knew it was about much more, i.e. protecting “the gays” from discrimination (God knows we can’t that). The tactic was effective; the ordinance was defeated by a 22 point margin.

The myth proved less successful in Charlotte, where opponents used it in their effort to stop the city council from treating people who are LGBT like human beings. Fortunately, the ordinance was passed over the objections over conservative groups and evanglical preachers like Franklin Graham.

Advocates of this fairy tale found some kindred spirits in Governor McCrory and the Republicans in the North Carolina General Assembly. These fine fellows vowed to introduce legislation to overturn the law if it was passed. It did and so they brought the hammer down on Charlotte for doing their job and enacting laws that benefit all their citizens.

On a side note, HB 2 supporters have yet to address is the fact that it doesn’t just negate some municipalities’ protections for LGBTQ folks, it also jeopardizes Greensboro and Orange County ordinances that covered veterans. Wait, what? Veterans aren’t a protected class? Oh well, I guess they were just collateral damage. Eggs and omelets, you know?

The truth is, laws like the Charlotte ordinance have been on the books in multiple cities and counties across the country and none of them report an increase in sexual assaults that can be traced back to those laws. In reality, HB 2 is about keeping trans folks in the closet where the Republicans in the NCGA thinks they belong. If they’d just admit that, I’d have more respect for them. I certainly couldn’t have less.

One Million Moms: “The Real O’Neals” Makes Jesus Cry

Even this picture has certain Christians in a tizzy. Can you guess why?
Even this picture has certain Christians in a tizzy. Can you guess why?

I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but everyone’s favorite blue noses are at it again. Yes, it’s the One Million Moms and, now they have a new target for their ire: ABC’s latest sitcom, “The Real O’Neals”. And, why do they have their knickers in a twist over this show? Their website says it “ridicules Jesus and Christianity”. Maybe, but I have a feeling that the real problem is the fact that one of the characters is gay.

That character would be Kenny O’Neal, a 16-year-old who comes out to his Irish-Catholic family in the first episode. That, along with the fact that Kenny is played by Noah Galvin, who is openly gay, and that Dan Savage is on board as a producer (the show is also loosely based on his life) makes the show, in the words of D’Anne Witkowski, “a gay trifecta” and possibly “a sign of End Times”. If I hadn’t already watched it, that description alone would be enough for it to land on my list.

It’s not just the “gay” thing, though; there are a few other items that have also gotten under the Moms’ skin. Things like Jesus jokes (seen here, beginning at 0:03), the daughter’s “attempts to prove” (their quotes, not mine) that there is no God as a science fair project, and Eileen (Kenny’s mom) making Jesus-shaped pancakes to guilt trip the anorexic older brother into eating. I think their problem with that last one is less about offending Jesus and more about giving away trade secrets.

Of course, the Moms aren’t the only ones with their drawers in a knot. Google “The Real O’Neals Christian” and you’ll find a plethora of pissed off Christians, all incensed over the show’s take on “The One True Faith”. Do the same search on YouTube and you’ll find several videos lambasting ABC and the show for the same basic reason. The best is one titled, “The Real O’Neals TV Show on ABC Mocks Mocks God! (Satanic TeLIEvision EXPOSED)”. Why is it the best? Did you not see the words “Satanic TeLIEvision EXPOSED” in the title?!? Oh, it also ties the show to “an End Times deception”: “acceptance of homosexuality”. That’s right, boys and girls, accepting “homosexuality” (aka treating people who are LGBTQ like fellow human beings) is a sign that Jesus is coming back any day now! Wow, just…, wow.

Of course, all these other dissenters are mostly copying and pasting the information on OMM’s website (or, just reading it out loud on the videos). I guess they’re so upset about gays and Jesus jokes appearing in the same show that coming up with some original content is beyond their capability. I cannot imagine how tiring maintaining this level of outrage must be. Geez, relax people.

If ever a group needed to “Netflix and chill”, it’s this bunch. A nice bottle of wine, a blunt the size of my thumb and some quality television (by “quality television”, I mean, “vigorous boot-knocking”) would be the perfect way for these oh so tightly wound wowsers to de-stress a little. If they tried it, they might find that shows like “The Real O’Neals” aren’t all that bad. I’m not holding my breath until it happens, though.

Be Sure To Get Your Lesbian Abortion Cookies

The conservative vision of Girl Scouts?
The conservative vision of Girl Scouts?

Well, friends, it’s that time of year again. It seems that, yet again, conservative Christians have their knickers in a twist over Girl Scout cookies. Yesterday, Franklin Graham took to Facebook to let us know that he’s not buying any this year, because these tasty treats raise funds for the Girl Scouts’ secular humanist, America-wrecking agenda. Fortunately, there is one man standing strong against these feminazi’s in miniature, St. Louis archbishop Robert Carlson.

According to Graham, the archbishop “isn’t worried about being politically correct in letting people know about (the GSA’s agenda) either”, telling his flock that the Girl Scouts’ values run counter to the teachings of the Church. And, why might that be? Because, the GSA welcomes and affirms all girls, no matter what their sexual orientation or gender identity may be. Oh, the horror!

In what may be the most unintentionally ironic statement ever, Bishop Carlson wrote, “While Catholics are called to treat all people with compassion and mercy, we must at the same time be mindful of whom we allow to teach and form our youth and the messages they present.” I’m not making that up, you guys; a Catholic priest actually said we should be careful about who is allowed to teach our young people. Just let that sink in for a minute.

Of course, it’s not just the GSA’s embrace of kids who are LGBTQ that has Carlson’s panties in a wad; he’s also unhappy with their “continued promotion of contraception and ‘abortion rights’ on behalf of its girl members, the majority of whom are minors”. Yes, we wouldn’t want girls to grow up with the idea they could be anything more than barefoot and pregnant, would we? And, what’s this “girl members” bullshit? Isn’t being a girl, like, the primary requirement for being a Girl Scout? Of course, for a closed-minded douchebag like Carlson, the primary requirement for being a girl is internal plumbing. Or, “having a vagina” in case that’s not clear enough.

If that’s not bad enough, Carlson gave fuller voice to his opposition in a post on the diocese’s website. There, he called into question the GSA’s internal policies that supposedly say that “some parents and troop leaders should not be informed if there is a transgender child in their troop”. Where was this concern when the church was heavily involved in covering up the fact that some of their priests were raping young boys? I guess trans girls are way more dangerous than pedophile priests,

Graham, however, thinks Carlson’s stand is the bee’s knees, saying “Archbishop Carlson is exactly right—the “ways of the world” are incompatible with biblical values.” That’s interesting, since both Carlson and Graham are Christians, which means they follow Jesus and the “biblical values” they espouse must be ones that He set out Let’s look at the one that sums up what Jesus cared most about: John 13:34-35,

“I give you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, so you also must love each other. This is how everyone will know that you are my disciples, when you love each other.”

Now, I’m not a biblical scholar, but I’m pretty sure ostracizing and marginalizing some of the most vulnerable among us doesn’t measure up to that commandment. Maybe these two “men of God” (read with al possible sarcasm) should think about that.

 

 

 

What Keeps Me Awake At Night

staying-up-at-nightIn a recent sermon at College Park Baptist Church, pastor Michael Usey asked “What keeps you awake at night?” Then, he had us write those thoughts down on Post it notes and stick them on the wall. Afterwards, the notes were gathered and compiled for a word cloud that showed up on the following Sunday’s bulletin. I participated, scribbling down something about “poverty”, “homelessness” or some other socially acceptable topic. And, while those things are on my mind, they aren’t the only things. Hell, sometimes, they aren’t even the most pressing things (In case you didn’t know, I’m nowhere as deep as I make out). Most of time, what goes in my head is…, well, a little weird. Here are a few examples of what I’m talking about:

  • When Noah got hammered.  After the flood was over and things were settling down, Noah planted a vineyard and made some wine. Then, he got drunk and passed out naked in his tent.  While he was sleeping it off, Ham walked in, “saw his father’s nakedness” and went told his brothers about it.  Shem and Japheth took a robe, walked in backward and covered Noah up.  When he woke up and found what had happened, Noah cursed Ham and set his brothers over him.  All that for seeing him naked? Seems a little harsh to me. I’ve gotta think something else was going on here.
  •  Did Moses drop the F-bomb when he found out he wasn’t getting into the Promised Land?   Think about that one for a minute.  The guy busts his ass for over 40 years, leading a bunch whiny complainers who were never satisfied with anything he did and then, just because he screwed up once (at Meribah), all he gets to do is look at the Promised Land from Mount Nebo.  And, that’s after he gave the Israelites some parting directions and pronounced a blessing on them.  Seriously? I’d have kicked dirt all over God’s shoes and told everyone else to kiss my ass.
  • The story of Elisha and the smart-alecky kids  One day, the prophet Elisha was walking along, minding his own business when a bunch of kids came along and started making fun of his bald head.  Elisha cursed them and they ran off.  As they did, a couple of bears came along and mauled all 42 of the little assholes.  Okay, there’s nothing I’m wondering about here, I just wanted a reason to include this picture:

elishabears

  • Why were the disciples so thick-headed?  These dudes spent almost every waking moment with Jesus for 3 years and they didn’t get what he was talking about until Pentecost? Really? There’s also a follow-up question, here: How did Jesus keep from smacking shit out of them?
  • What happened after Jesus raised Lazarus?  The Bible says that when Jesus got to Bethany, Lazarus had been dead for days.  Four days. In the Middle East.  You know he was rank by then.  Did Jesus have to put in any extra work to make Lazarus presentable?  I think he must have, because you can’t take enough showers to fix that kind of stink.
  • Would Paul have mellowed out if he’d gotten some action?  And, if he did, what would that have done to Christianity?  Think about this for a minute: if Paul was getting it on the regular, would he have had the drive to spread the faith the way he did?  I suppose it’s possible, but in my experience, once you crack the seal on sex, it pretty much takes over. Which means Christianity might not be as big a deal as it is now, but we would be able to knock boots without so much guilt. And, would that be such a bad thing?

So, there you go; just a few of the things that keep me awake at night.

Don’t Do It, Charlotte? Too Late, They Done Did It

satire def
^^^Because some people are irony-impaired.^^^

So, the Charlotte city council recently voted to allow transgenders to use whatever bathroom they damn well please. Well, beloved, if you need a sign of the moral degeneration currently taking place in the United States, here it is. I mean, we’re seriously going to let men use women’s bathrooms just because they claim to “feel like a woman”? If it’s not immediately struck down, we’re headed for a disaster of biblical proportions! Complete with human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together and mass hysteria.

You may think that response is a little over the top, but you’d be oh so wrong. You see, in the two days since Charlotte passed this abomination, some of North Carolina’s most God-fearing leaders have begun shouting from the mountain tops to alert the citizens that the dreaded “gay agenda” is attempting to take over our fair state.

As I told you a couple of weeks ago, Franklin Graham spoke up about the menace to our children represented in this legal anathema. And, right before the vote, Governor Pat McCrory emailed the two conservative stalwarts on the council to inform them that passage would “most likely cause immediate state legislative intervention.” Yesterday, Speaker of the NC House Tim Moore released a statement that legislators are planning a bill to block not only Charlotte’s ordinance, but also in any other similar laws passed in the state. Thank you, God, for men such as these.

Make no mistake, brothers and sisters, this is the moral crisis of our generation and we need to stand strong. Oh sure, several NC communities are all over lists of the hungriest cities in the nation and, a list of municipalities where poverty is growing the fastest includes the four largest cities in the state, but who cares about a bunch of deadbeats now that the government has decided to take up for the gays? Even worse, they want to protect a bunch of she-males? There’s a word for those people and we all know what it is (it starts with “pr” and ends with “edator”).

Is there any basis for the fear that child molesters will use this “bathroom bill” as a way to find little girls for their nefarious purposes? Of course not. Are there, in fact, multiple places where such ordinances have been on the books for several years and haven’t resulted in an increase in sexual assault or rape? Absolutely (see above link). Stop clouding the issue with facts, damn it!

Look, I know that persecuting gays and trannies seems to fly in the face of Christianity since Christians suffered awful persecution in the days of the early church and we follow a man who taught to us love and accept everyone, not just people who look like us. And, a Republican-controlled legislature passing laws to subvert a city council’s decision seems utterly absurd, as they constantly remind us that the GOP is the party of small government. But, seriously, none of that matters. Things are changing and, as a straight, white, cisgender (and by “cisgender”, I mean “normal”) man, I am terrified that gays and the transgenders might  treat me as bad as I’ve treated them. I’m not sure I could stand that.

Watching Deadpool is a One-way Ticket to Hell

deadpool-movie-posterThat’s the word on the evangelical street, y’all. You will not pass Go and you will not collect $200. You will, however, spend eternity in the bottomless pit and being tormented at Satan’s pleasure.  Now, you may be wondering why is watching “Deadpool” a one-way ticket to Hell? Because, people are nekkid in it, that’s why. I guess it’s okay to be violent as fuck, but you’re gonna burn if you so much as glance at naked boobies.

I stumbled onto this super-important bit of information last night when I was wasting time on Facebook researching a paper for my English class and found a link on the Stuff Christian Culture Likes page to an article from John Piper’s Desiring God website. While I don’t always agree with Stephanie (as in, “Drury”, the person behind SCCL), she does have a real knack for finding crazy Christian stuff; especially when it comes to “sexual purity”. And, this was no exception.

Apparently, “Christians” are wrestling with whether or not they should see “Deadpool”. I say, “apparently”, because I know a lot of Christians and not one of them has voiced any uncertainty in this matter; they cannot wait to see the movie (some already have and gave it rave reviews). Granted, the majority of my friends are huge nerds and would likely be considered apostates by Piper and his crowd, so they may not the best indicator of what’s going on in the evangelical/fundamentalist world. But, the author didn’t specify a certain group, so I’m rolling with it.

I’m not doing a point-by-point refutation of the article, today. Or ever, really. I mean, why bother? I’m pretty sure no one who reads this blog is all that torn up about a little nudity in a movie or puts much stock in what the nation’s premier Calvinist website has to say about it. So, why am I writing about this? Two reasons: 1) I am fascinated by their obsession with sex and 2) posts about sex and “purity” usually pull in pretty good numbers. Combine that with a topic that has the buzz of “Deadpool” and I’m thinking this post might just land in my top ten list. Yes, I’m a numbers whore. If you didn’t already know that, you obviously haven’t been around here very long. But, I digress.

I don’t get it. There are so many things in this movie that drive hardcore evangafundies over the edge and by focusing on the nudity, they’re missing out on so much outrage. There’s the film’s irreverence, its anti-establishment attitude and the profanity. It’s a trifecta of sin and they’re missing out! (I was going to mention “the lack of upstanding, virtuous plotline”, but that would violate the comedy “Rule of Three“, so…)

To be fair, Desiring God isn’t the only Christian website with a problem about “Deadpool”, they’re just the biggest. A Google search of “Deadpool and Christians” returns pages and pages of results and every one I looked at was…, let’s say, “less than complimentary”. Of the ones I read,  the recurring theme was “DON’T LOOK. NEKKID PEOPLE!!!” A couple did mention violence as a concern; one said there “should be a limit on how many decapitations there are in a movie that’s not called Highlander.” But, another thought the studio should’ve forgone the “raunchy” stuff and focused on the violence. That’s interesting when you consider Christians follow a man who forswore violence in everything he taught.

The most shocking thing of all is that One Million Moms has not yet called for a boycott of this film. How can that be??? It has almost everything they love to hate: sex and cussing and…, well, that’s about it, because the Moms don’t seem to get bent out of shape over gratuitous violence. It seems that frogs without pants, gay superheroes or a likable Satan are imminent dangers to the moral fabric of the country, but blood, gore and guts are cool.

So, as a Christian, do I think it’s okay to watch “Deadpool”? Hell, yes I do. In fact, I plan on seeing it myself as soon as possible. What’s that, aren’t I worried about going to Hell because I saw nude lady bits? According to the folks who believe that way, I’m already going there and I figure, “in for a penny, in for pound”. Might as well get my money’s worth.