That’s right, boys and girls; classic X-Men member Iceman (aka Bobby Drake) has come out as gay and Franklin Graham is pissed. He took to Facebook to let us about this latest outrage from “the gays,” posting:

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Really? With all that’s going on in the world,  who has time to get mad about god-damned comic book?

This isn’t the first time conservative Christian’s have gotten their knickers in a twist because the “gay activists” at Marvel have attempted to “indoctrinate our young people to accept this destructive lifestyle.” A couple of years ago, Northstar married his long-time boyfriend, Kyle Jinadu, in “Astonishing X-Men #51,” causing Family Research Council Senior Fellow Peter Sprigg to opine, “It’s unfortunate that this comic book series would be used to advance the sexual revolution and, implicitly, the homosexual political agenda.” And, One Million Moms said, “Children desire to be just like superheroes. Children mimic superhero actions and even dress up in costumes to resemble these characters as much as possible. Can you imagine little boys saying, ‘I want a boyfriend or husband like X-Men?” Oh yes, because reading comic books can turn you “gay.” (Sighs heavily)

Now, I could take some time and refute Graham scripturally; but let’s be honest, that’s not my thing. Oh, I’ve done it in the past, but I really don’t have the schooling for it and I’d have to rely on the work of others. So, let’s cut out the middle man and let the experts handle it. And, to be even more honest, that never really works, does it? I mean, people who believe this stuff aren’t going to be swayed by what we might considered a “reasoned argument”. In some cases, we’re talking about people who believe the world is 6,000-10,000 years old; even in the face of all that evidence of the Big Bang and evolution. Do you really think telling them that they “misunderstand” a few passages in the Bible is going to make a dent in their belief? If you do, I’ve got some real estate you’re going to love.

So, if that’s not “my thing”, then what is? Usually, this is where I use mocking humor and generally derisive statements to skewer my target. Unfortunately, I’ve been told that isn’t nice and I shouldn’t do it anymore. So, let’s try something new: a subtle, even sideways gentle dig. You know, satire.

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I find myself wondering how Franklin got wind of this attempt at “indoctrination”. I’m not trying to dis the guy, but he just doesn’t strike me as an X-men reader. Honestly, I’ve always seen him as more of an “Archie” fan. The wholesome Riverdale gang seems much more his speed than the broody anti-heroes who populate Marvel comics. That notion leads me to suspect he has people who scour the interwebs looking for this kind of thing. In other words, he pays people to look at comic books, movies, television, etc. What a gig that would be! Imagine spending your days pouring over the latest editions of all the cool issues, searching for the outrage du jour and getting paid for it? Where do I sign up?

Now, you might think a guy who calls himself a minister of the Gospel would be worried about things like feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the prisoner, etc. And, I’m sure he is; you can’t pass the hat without providing a little something. I’m sorry, did I just intimate that Graham is money-grubbing charlatan? I misspoke. What I meant to say was, you can’t bring people to Jesus when their stomachs are empty (well, you can, but only if you promise them a meal. After they listen to your sermon, of course). But, I digress. Franklin is providing a service that goes above and beyond boring old food and drink: he’s saving our collective soul! Along with several other ministers, he believes that America is going down the tubes because we’re treating people who are different from us with respe…, sorry, I was about to be mocking and derisive again. What I meant to say is we are not “on guard against all sin”. And, by sin, he means “people who live and love differently than I do.” Damn, I did it again. This “subtle, sideways” thing is harder than it looks.

Is Graham’s response a little short on love? Yes it is; it condemns a whole bunch of people to hell simply for living the way God made them. Included in that group is my own son, who recently came out as transgender. Personally, I feel that anyone who attacks my child deserves all the mocking and derision I can dish out (did I just say that? Get thee behind me, Satan!), but I’m trying to take the high road and be nice. I’m doing a shitty job of it, but I am trying.