From a biblical perspective, of course.
From a biblical perspective, of course.

I’ve been in the blogging game for a few years now and, if I’ve learned nothing else, it’s that every now and then, the internet gives you a present. Wednesday afternoon, I got just such a gift in the form of a video from Olugbenga Oladejo, a Nigerian preacher (calling this cat a pastor is a stretch as I’m not exactly getting a pastoral vibe here) from the UK about a “vision” he had. In this fever dream “vision”, God showed him “hellfire”. Specifically, he says “The Lord told me (that’s always a good sign), he said ‘Luke, when I asked my children to get married and they’re married’, he said ‘My children on their matrimonial bed, they commit a lot of immorality’. He said I should tell them that they are not going to come to heaven.”

Now, you may be wondering what sort of immorality one could commit “on their matrimonial bed”. Well, let’s start with a little cowgirl action. According Oladejo, God frowns on women riding the baloney pony: “Couples who practice the woman on top… I want to repeat this, because this is the warning he gave me….When you are with your wife, the lord has made man to be the head. Not the woman. So those men who enjoy their wife coming on top of them in the matrimonial bed, the lord says they are not coming to heaven at all...” The only acceptable position is, of course, missionary: The man should lie on top of the woman. The natural style, the one way god has given us as man and wife.” And, once again, it’s sucks to be a girl. In Oladejo’s world, anyway.

Then, there’s doggy-style. According to the good minister, doing the dog is evil because Romans 1 says so. Not only that,  “The lord did not to create you to behave like a dog on your matrimonial bed. Or like a cow. Or like a chicken.” A chicken?!? And, I thought I could dream up some weird shit.

It’s a safe bet that “Pastor” Oladejo won’t be going to see 50 Shades of Grey because he’s definitely not down with kink. Here’s his take on the subject: “If you are practicing hanging with your wife [bondage], you are inventing different styles… Don’t go and be hanging your wife. Don’t go and be hanging your husband. Do not try different styles: they do sex in different styles that are contrary to God.” Hanging? I’m not sure if he put it that way because English isn’t his first language (dude has a heavy accent) or on account of some fucked up ideas about sex. I’m feeling magnanimous (and grateful for this amazing opportunity), so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Lastly, we have masturbation. It seems that rubbing one out (or “in” depending on your plumbing) is also sinful. Especially so, if you’re married. I’m not exactly sure why, though. Whatever. Oladejo says wankers will be set upon by demons who will laugh while the souls of  those who “google themselves” will cry out in pain because the demons will cut them “in the most painful place”. I have no idea where that would be, but it can’t be good.

After all this, Oladejo woke up and realized God wanted him tell people all this because they were “not aware of these things”. I can see that, since they seem to have come from some rather scary and warped places about sex, biology and God knows what else.

In this video, Oladejo talks about “changing the Lord’s ordinances” a lot; like every couple of sentences. And, to be fair, we have thwarted God’s intent in many ways. But, the “ancient covenant” Isaiah referred to was about taking care of one’s neighbors, not what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own bedrooms.

Now, I’m no Bible scholar, but I do know enough about it to feel pretty safe in saying that it doesn’t specify what positions are good and which are a one-way ticket to H-E-Double-hockeysticks (If I’m wrong, please point me to that passage). And, while the Bible does talk about masturbation (i.e. “the sin of Onan“), the problems were less about the act itself than Onan’s motivation for firing off some knuckle-children.

While Oladejo’s take on sex is certainly…, let’s say “colorful”, it’s far from unique. Not the specifics, of course, (that chicken thing still has me messed up) but the idea behind it. I don’t really get the point. Unless it’s that focusing on how others are fucking up allows you to keep the spotlight off of your own transgressions. It doesn’t really work all that well, but damned if it doesn’t provide some very interesting reading now and then.