***Warning, this post contains satire. Read accordingly. ***
This weekend, I read an article that surprised me…, at first. It seems that Timothy Schmalz, an artist in Ontario, Canada, created a statue of Jesus that was rejected by most of the churches he offered it to. Wait a minute, a statue of Jesus that was rejected by multiple churches? How can that be? Easy, the Jesus Schmalz chose to depict is sleeping on a park bench wrapped in a blanket like a homeless person. Well, no wonder they turned it down. What good bible-believing church wouldn’t? It has, however, finally found a home: The Vatican. Yes, you read that right. Pope Francis, that hippie/commie, loves this thing and plopped it down right in the middle of St. Peter’s Square.
Before you get your knickers in a twist over that “hippie/commie” remark, let me point out that, while “hippie” might be a trifle over the top, we know he’s a communist because St. Rush said he was. On his radio show, the venerated prophet was talking about Francis’ “Evangelii Gaudium,” (which is an “apostolic exhortation” sent to the Roman Catholic Church) when he said “This is just pure Marxism coming out of the mouth of the pope.” Oh sure, he didn’t actually call the Pope is a communist and later insinuated that the letter probably didn’t come from the Pope himself by saying “Somebody has either written this for him or gotten to him”, but I think we can read between the lines. Besides, the real Jesus would never condone Marxist garbage like this.
When I say “the real Jesus”, I’m not talking about that namby-pamby wuss the liberals are always yapping about. No, I’m talking about the fire-breathing, gun-toting, ‘Murika-loving Jesus that hates fags and foreigners, loves money and lets you know you’re poor because you’re lazy, not on account of some made-up oppression. That Jesus agrees with Rush, that the Pope’s a damn commie. You can be sure He hates that freakin’ statue, too.
The temerity of this Schmalz dude, making a sculpture that portrays our blessed Lord as anything less than an all-conquering King riding in on a white stallion and laying waste to all who dare to oppose him. I mean, really, if you went by this, you’d think that Jesus walked around in a robe and sandals (hippies wear sandals, you know), saying crap like “love your enemy” and “turn the other cheek” and feeding poor people. Who the hell wants a messiah like that?
It’s crap like this (and the Pope’s obvious inclination toward liberation theology which we all know is Marxism in disguise) that makes me glad I’m not a Catholic. Well, that and the fact that all Papists owe their allegiance to Rome and, therefore, can never truly be patriotic Americans.
You know, I’m glad Francis is Pope. Maybe now, true Christians will see the Catholic Church for the Marxist front group it truly is and go back to ostracizing them the way we did in the good old days. That said, I am very concerned about the way he’s muddying the waters with all this love crap he keeps spouting. To hear him tell it, that’s what Jesus was all about and we know that’s just not true.