This post contains material of a satirical nature and should be read accordingly. The thoughts shared below in no way reflect the author’s true feelings and were rendered in this fashion because he is a complete smart-ass who isn’t intelligent enough to make this point in a more appropriate manner.
I’ve made no secret of the fact that I like the gays. Hell, some of my best friends are gay. Not only that, I have a gay child and attend a church that’s open and affirming. I’ve shared meals with gay people, opened my home to gay people, been to the movies with gay people, sat around a campfire swapping stories with gay people((okay, so there wasn’t a fire, but there was a fire pit at the campsite, so it counts)) and done all sorts of other things with gay people. And, frankly, it’s got me worried. I’ve spent so much time around the homosexuals, I’m afraid I might be catching “the gay”. I can hear you now, saying “That’s ridiculous. One doesn’t ‘catch the gay’; one simply is gay.” Oh, really? If you’re so smart, riddle me this: if it’s not contagious, why am doing things that gays do?
This is no joke, people. I am a confirmed straight dude who really, really loves women((I would say I have the notches on my bedpost to prove it, but I’m also an introverted nerd so that’s really not a great argument)) and I find myself doing all sorts of things that gays do. The more I’ve learned about my gay friend’s lives, the more this nagging feeling has grown that I might be going gay. I mean, my gay friends and I both have jobs, kids, households to maintain and lives to live. And, we do it in eerily similar ways.
The idea that I’m turning gay moved from a nagging thought to full-blown fear when I read Kimberly Knight’s post, My Homosexual Agenda For 2015, where she details all the ways she intends to make the world a more fabulous place. As I read this list, my only thought was “My god, I want to do these very same things. Does that mean I’m becoming gay?” I’m not sure I’ve had a good night’s sleep since. Of course, some people might blame that on too much time on-line and the sinus infection I’ve been fighting for the last couple of weeks, but who are we kidding?
What if I really am becoming a gay man (not that there’s anything wrong with that)? How will I cope with the fact that I don’t fit the profile? I like to think of myself as a guy’s guy, which means I’m not exactly in touch with my feminine side. And, the thought of riding a float in a gay pride parade in my skivvies fills me with horror (none of us want to see that, believe me). Plus, I have the fashion sense of a Benedictine monk and I’m a dreadful housekeeper. And, to top it all off, I hate to dance and I don’t care for show tunes or Cher. On the plus side, since I’m kind of big and hairy, the “bear” thing works in my favor and I am somewhat obsessed with sex; although that last point probably isn’t confined to gay men. I’m working myself into a tizzy over this((Well, that doesn’t sound gay at all, does it?)).
Of course, in my more lucid and logical moments, I tell myself to calm down and that I’m not “catching the gay”. In my head, I hear the voice of reason pointing out that maybe my gay friends and I do a lot of the same things because we’re really not all that different and we’re all just trying get through this life the best way we know how. Is that even possible, I wonder? Could it be that all gay men aren’t promiscuous, bitchy queens and all gay women aren’t flannel-wearing, mullet-coiffed butches who hate men? Is it possible they are wonderful, diverse, multi-faceted children of God like straight people? I guess I never thought about it that way.