The Guy’s Guide to Naming Your Junk

Say hello to my little friend.

Usually essays like this are titled “The Gentleman’s Guide to _________”. While writing such an study would pose an interesting challenge, it’s not realistic. Not only do gentlemen refrain from naming their junk, they would never refer to their wedding tackle like that. In fact, a true gentleman works hard to give the impression that he is as smooth as a Ken doll downstairs. No, beloved, naming your naughty bits is the exclusive domain of that beer-drinking, sports-watching Everyman, the “guy”.

There are people who are going to tell you that baptizing your bits and pieces is a bad thing. But, that’s not necessarily true. Lots of influential people have christened their codger. Like, say, Ernest Hemingway.  Yes, you read that right: one of the greatest writers in literary history had a title for his tallywhacker. He called it “Mr. Scrooby”. Look, Papa was the ultimate man’s man and if he did it, how bad can it be?
That said, you have to be careful because there are pitfalls. One of the biggest is the tendency to go overboard. We all know someone who has designated his dipstick and proudly embeds that epithet into every conversation, whether it’s appropriate or not. And, it’s always something like “Conan the Barbarian”. Just so you know, if that’s the name you choose for your chubby, we all know it’s more Tyrion Lanister than Conan.
Besides being douchey in the extreme, naming your night stick after Robert Howard’s iconic barbarian isn’t remotely original. I firmly believe that if you’re going to name a body part, you have a responsibility to make some effort at coming with a unique eponym. I mean, it’s yours and there’s not another like it anywhere, so why not come up with a name that celebrates it’s singularity? Also, it should fit the part in question because this is not an area where you want to set up an unrealistic expectation. I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want to hear at the big reveal is a disappointed “Aww”.
I cannot stress enough that dubbing your dangler is something that requires consideration and imagination. If you happen to be one of society’s less creative members, don’t despair because the internet is here for you. As our culture’s repository of everything, no matter how absurd, idiotic, or trivial, there are multiple sites on the web that will help you come up with a moniker for your maypole. And, caring soul that I am, I have looked into it for you. But, please, use what you learn here as a jumping off point for your own sausage sobriquet.
Let’s start with entertainment related appellations. Things like “Womb Raider”, “Just-in-Beaver”, or “Woody Wombpecker” are excellent examples. A note of caution: You may be tempted use self-deprecating humor and label your lance something diminutive in the belief that it will make you look humble, yet funny and endear you to your prospective partner. And, it may. Or, it could backfire. If you think someone saying “Aww” when you drop trou is bad, imagine hearing, “Tiny Tim, huh? Accurate.” And, that’s even if you make it that far. I mean, if you don’t believe in your bottle rocket, why should anyone else?
You could also follow the lead of certain celebrities who have given a handle to their hard-on. Hugh Jackman, for instance, calls his “Old James Roger”. Gary Busey is said to refer to his member as “Big Wednesday”. That comes perilously close to “Conan”, but we are talking about a man who is delightfully insane, so I’ll give him a pass. Contrast this with Rainn Wilson’s patronymic for his pecker, “The Fail Whale”. This is a masterpiece when it comes to applying an alias to your appendage. It uses of self-deprecating humor to counteract any hint of bragging. But, importantly, the implication of size is still planted in the listener’s brain. And, that is brilliant. Just. Effin’. Brilliant.
Now, in no way is this a comprehensive guide to christening your crank. I could go on about this subject indefinitely because it’s close to my heart. Okay, that may be stretching things a bit (remember what I said about unrealistic expectations). Maybe it’s better to say it’s one of my favorites. Anyway, let what you read here inspire you to author the agnomen for your anaconda that it truly deserves and bring you much love and happiness. Or, at least get your foot in the door to get laid. ‘Cause there ain’t nothing wrong with that.