We are screwed.
We are screwed.

Over the weekend, a Facebook friend shared an article from the Tea Party News Network (a true bastion of journalistic integrity) titled How the Liberal, Progressive Infestation of the Church Threatens America’s Future by Chelsen Vicari. As I read, I thought, “This has got to be satire.” A little research showed me that it’s not. At that point, I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and said out loud, “Oh shit, they’re on to us!”

I mean, really, we’ve gone to all the time and effort to infiltrate the Church and use it to push our overtly secular, political agenda that has nothing to do with God, Jesus or anything else divine and, she just outs us like that? How the hell are we supposed to keep undermining this great Christian nation if everyone knows we’re trying to undermine this great Christian nation? Crap, all that work down the drain.

We had a great plan, too. Appealing to the church to live up to its calling by being compassionate, working for equality and respecting others was brilliant. We thought “Who but the douchiest of douche bags would call us out for preaching the Gospel perverting the faith that way?” Unfortunately, we didn’t count on the Tea Party, a group that has never let being an utter douche bag stand in the way of doing what protects their privilege and position at the top of the heap is right.

Damn it, that whole undermining “the authority of the Bible by painting inconsistencies in Scripture” thing was going so well. Especially since there are inconsistencies in scripture to begin with. And, conservatives have been so helpful by misinterpreting, cherry-picking and proof-texting scripture reading the Bible literally. Unfortunately, that’s all out the window. How are we supposed to break down the moral values found in scripture now?

She even outs us as a “political initiative” and not a Christian movement based on an interpretation of scripture that is informed by love, community and justice. Damn it. she’s laid bare all our secrets. Hell, the only reason I got into this whole progressive thing is to ensure that everyone can engage all the same-sex marryin’, tax-payer funded abortionin’/ contraceptin’, feminizin’, pacifyin’ big government love their little heart can stand. Will that destroy this “shining city upon a hill“? Of course it will. Why else would progressives (aka Satan’s minions) push for it so hard?

Perhaps the scariest part of the whole thing is her call to action. Ms Vicari begs all right-thinking conservative Christians to step into positions of leadership in their churches armed with “social science as well an understanding of public policy”. A conservative with an armload of propaganda and cherry-picked information that backs up their preconceived ideas? Holy crap, that’s a progressive’s worst nightmare. At least she didn’t ask them to read and think critically; God only knows where that might lead. 

Worst of all, she tells her readers to “share this message”. As if it wasn’t hard enough working to build a truly inclusive society dragging the country into the sewer  when it was just the fringe element of the Tea Party screeching from the sidelines calling out our attempts to destroy the United States from within, now all the conservatives are going to be onto us. And, if they’re onto us, how are we supposed to get the next generation to abandon the foundations and ethical principles that made America great?

Dig in, progressives, and prepare for battle. Our secular humanist, wealth-distributing, institution-wrecking agenda needs you.