What’s That On Your Forehead?

ashesWell, it’s Ash Wednesday and you know what that means: a bunch of weirdos walking around with smudgy, black crosses on their foreheads. These “weirdos” are actually mainstream and progressive Christians heathens and they do it to signify their “repentance before God”. Seriously? You can do the same thing with good, old-fashioned piety. And, by piety, I mean looking down your nose at everyone who isn’t as Godly as you are. Believe me, it’s a lot more fun.

For those of you true Christians who might be unaware of it, Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent, a season of the liturgical pagan calendar that supposedly prepares these heathens for the ultimate pagan holiday (Easter) through prayer, penance,  repentance of sins, almsgiving, atonement and self-denial. If you have acquaintances who engage in these heathen practices (because no real Christian would ever be friends with such godless infidels), you might hear them talking about what they’re giving up for Lent. It could be abstaining from certain food and drink, not watching television, “fasting” from social media, etc. I mean, really; if they were true Christians, they wouldn’t be watching television (except for FoxNews and the 700 Club). Nor would they “fast” from social media, an excellent (but as-yet unfulfilled) tool for evangelization. On the food front, well, that’s just silly. Jesus said it was “not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.” I’m not really sure what that means, but it sounds bad for those dirty heathens so I’m using it.

Another practice these faithless unbelievers will employ during the next month and a half is “prayer”. I put that in quotation marks, because all too many of them will be engaging in something called “contemplative prayer”. While I’ve never heard of it before, I have it on good authority that it’s a perversion straight from the pits of Hell and was specifically designed by Satan to lure the faithful away from God and His truth. It is not biblical and was even endorsed by that heretic’s heretic, Thomas Merton. If you hear anyone talking about this, run in the opposite direction as fast as you can. Also, you might want to beg God’s forgiveness for even hearing those words. You know never when the Rapture might happen and it would totally suck to be stranded here with all the sinners for such a trivial reason.

When I was a kid, I never heard anything about Lent. But, lately, it seems almost everywhere I turn, there’s some infidel talking about ashes, fasting, repentence, blah, blah, blah. You know what I think? It’s a fad. That’s right, a fad.I firmly believe that Lent’s newfound popularity is tied up in the hipster rush toward making old things new. That’s especially troubling after all the effort good, God-fearing Christians made to stamp out such heresy. But, don’t worry; it won’t last. In a couple more years, the same people will be saying “Lent? I don’t do that anymore. It’s soo mainstream.” I’m just not sure I can wait that long. Maybe I’ll get lucky and Jesus will come back next week. Or the week after. Whenever. Please, Lord, just make it soon because I can’t stand these heathens much longer.