Anne Graham Lotz recently wrote on her website that “Jesus is soon to return to take all of His followers to Heaven with Him in what is referred to as The Rapture.” She followed that gem up with this:

“While this will be deliverance for His people, can you imagine the impact on our nation, let alone the world, when suddenly every single authentic Christian disappears?

Institutions will collapse. Banks will close. The Stock Market will plunge. Planes will fall out of the sky. Cars will crash on the road. Government in America at every level will disintegrate. Families will be torn apart. In the unprecedented turmoil, our nation will be vulnerable for our enemies to seize the moment and attack us. There will be mass chaos, confusion, fear, grief, despair, anger, threats, danger… judgment.”

Don’t you just love it when Christian celebrities try to evangelize by scaring the shit out of people.

There’s just one little hitch with Annie’s idea of the Apocalypse: it’s not in the Bible. What’s that you say? It is in the Bible? Really? Would you mind looking it up and showing us where it says that “every single authentic Christian” will disappear. Don’t worry, we’ll wait. And, while you do that, the rest of us will check out this cool video:

Didn’t find it? Yeah, I was pretty sure you wouldn’t. Like I said, it’s not in there. Oh, there are a few things that have been twisted around and made to fit that story, but the idea that Jesus will come back and suck all his people up to Heaven while everyone else goes through hell on Earth is…not…there. It gets worse, though: Michele Bachmann is a big believer in the Rapture. And, when you agree with Michele Bachmann on something, maybe it’s time to take a look at what you believe.

This current conception of “The Rapture” started about 180 years ago when John Nelson Darby attempted to interpret St. John the Divine’s fever dream (aka, the Book of Revelation). Ease up, theology nerds; I know it’s eschatological literature and, once you understand the symbolism, it’s not all that weird. But, even the most hardcore among you have to admit that, taken literally, it would make a great sci-fi/fantasy read. Unfortunately, all we have on that front is the “Left Behind” series. Let’s be honest, those books aren’t even good Christian fiction. And, yes, that bar is set just as low as you think it is.

I figure Billy Graham pretty much has to be incapacitated.  As a father, I feel sure if he could still lift his arms, he’d beat both his kid’s asses for the way they’ve destroyed the ministry he worked so hard to build. I mean, seriously, between Anne hanging out (ideologically, at least) with people like Michele Bachmann and Kirk Cameron and Franklin’s Islamophobia/Obama Derangement Syndrome, the BGEA‘s credibility is taking some massive hits. Well, outside of fundamentalist/evangelical circles, that is; in that insular world, they’re probably celebrated for “fighting the good fight” and standing up against the “moral relativism” and subsequent decline of this “shining city on a hill”. Give me a fucking break, will you?

Look, if you want to believe some crazy-ass idea that has absolutely no biblical backing whatsoever, that’s your business. But, scaring the shit out of people so they’ll join your failing club is another story. You really, really need to stop that shit. It makes Jesus cry.