Facing the Facts

I love the blog, Stuff Christians Like.  It’s funny, and not in that “youth leader trying to be down with the kids” kind of way, either.  The author, Jon Acuff, has a post about making fun of “Facing the Giants”; here’s quote from that post, “Christian movies are often like the reverse of country songs. The guy gets his wife back, his dog back and his truck back.”  Nothing gets me going like busting on some of the smarmy crap that gets foisted on us just because we happen to believe in God.  Let’s face it, the current crop of Christian movies suck the big one.  The ideas are stale and the execution is formulaic.  If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.  Fortunately, I’ve got some ideas to remedy that.  See what you think:

  • Aqua Teen Tribulation Force_ I love mash-ups and what could be better than combining two of the weirdest ideas going into one uber-weird movie.  Think of the possibilities, Master Shake and the gang teaming up with Rayford Steele and his compatriots to fight the Anti-Christ and solve the occasional crime.  There could even be a some new characters that combine elements of both stories, like Mister Matzoh (Master Shake/Chaim Rosenzweig).  The mind boggles.
  • The Life and Times of Elisha, Prophet of the Lord_ Elisha gets short shrift when it comes to the prophets.  He doesn’t have his own book, the king and queen weren’t looking for his head and he didn’t have dreams that sound like bad acid trips.  He did, however, call down God’s wrath on some kids who were giving him crap and a bear came out of the woods and mauled them.  Nothing like a little gore to liven up a story.
  • The Adventures of Balaam and Fred_ If you’re going to make movies, you can’t forget the kids.  And, you know as much as I do how much kids love talking animals; that’s where Fred comes in.  Fred is Balaam’s donkey, you know the one who talked to him? (It doesn’t give a name for the donkey, so I went with my default choice for any pet or animal).  The beauty part of this idea is the obvious marketing and television tie-ins.  Can you say cha-ching?  Of course, all profits will be used to fund continued ministry.
  • David, Soldier of God_ I can’t believe someone hasn’t done this already.  David is like the archetypical action hero.  He slew Goliath when he was like 13, killed 200 Philistines and brought Saul their foreskins as a dowry for his daughter, fought a guerilla war to gain the throne and always got the girl.  This is a story that begs for the big screen.

I don’t understand why no one is making these movies.  I thought them up in about 15 minutes and anyone of them is better than that stinker “Facing the Giants”.  Just because we’re Christians doesn’t mean we have to be lame.