Halloween’s A-Coming

And, you know what that means: evangelical Christian groups everywhere are breaking out their favorite alternatives to battle Satan on “his” holiday.  Unfortunately, most of those alternatives are a lame imitation of Halloween.  Some evangelical churches have what they call “Hallelujah Night”, a fall festival with games, trunk or treating and fun stuff.  Some churches pull out all the stops and really do it up, with carnival rides, petting zoos, cotton candy and the like.  My question to these folks is “Seriously?  With the economy the way it is, with people out of work, homeless and going hungry, this is how you want to spend your money?”  Of course, Hallelujah Night is only one of the ways churches deal with Halloween.  There’s also the venerable Hell House.  Hell House is the Christian version of a haunted house.  In a Hell House, however, you won’t find ghosts, vampires and serial killers, but sinners, demons and Old Nick himself.  They also end with a trip to “Heaven” where everyone is offered an opportunity to “get saved”.  That’s the way to bring the Kingdom to earth, scare the shit out of people (said with a heavy dose of sarcasm).  I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, “And, we Christians wonder why people think we’re assholes”.

There’s a new twist on this year, though.  Jesusween.  Yes, I said Jesusween.  Is it just me or does that name sound a little off?  Like, we’re celebrating Jesus’ willie or something.  Somebody wasn’t thinking when they came up with that.  Okay, stop snickering and watch the video.


Okay, this is not as offensive as Hell House, nor does it go against the Gospel (my interpretation of it anyway).  To most folks, it probably sounds like a nice, inoffensive way to spread the Word to kids and, by extension, their families.  Maybe.  Personally, I think it’ll go over like a turd in a punch bowl.  Think back to when you were a kid and went out trick or treating.  If you got anything other than candy, what was your reaction?  Not good, I’m sure.

Anyone who gave anything other than candy was a douche and was probably stricken from The List.  If they stayed on, it was only because your parents said so.  Some folks may see this as a nice, inoffensive way to spread the Word to kids and their parents.  Maybe.  Personally, I think it’s silly, lame and has about much chance of catching on as an American Idol contestant has of being accepted as a serious musician.  Can you say Soul Patrol?

Here’s an idea: why don’t we Christians let the rest of the world have Halloween.  It’s not like we’re hurting for holidays, here.  We do have two of the biggest ones in Christmas and Easter.  And, fyi, Halloween isn’t the Devil’s holiday, it’s an old Celtic ceremony acknowledging the coming of winter and celebrating the harvest that Americans have transformed into a night of playing dress up, gorging ourselves on candy, watching scary movies and getting the bejeezus scared out of them.  Some folks need to take a day off, lighten up and have little fun.  It’ll be better for everybody.