Happy Birthday To Me

Okay, so my birthday was actually yesterday. Don't get technical..., bitches
Okay, so my birthday was actually yesterday. Don’t get technical…, bitches

Actually, this is a day late, as yesterday was my birthday. In case you’re wondering, I turned 54 and I don’t look a day older. Or, maybe I do; I’m not exactly what you’d call “unbiased” on this subject. My youthful good looks aside, it is becoming a tradition for me to write a witty blog post about aging on my birthday. I know I said that last year, but this time it’s almost true. This birthday post is the third one and, if that’s not a trend, I don’t know what is. But, of course, you’re wondering, “What nuggets of wisdom will he pass on this year?” Honestly, your guess is as good as mine, since I’m making this up as  I go along. Let’s what bullshit I can come up with.

  • People are fucked up…, and famous ones even more so From Franklin Graham and Pat Robertson on the right to Anne Lamott on the left, we are inundated with celebrities saying or doing abjectly shitty things. But, as I said in the inaugural birthday post, “…each and every one of them is my neighbor and the Bible says to love your neighbor as yourself.” Damn it.
  • There are certain immutable laws of the universe One of them is that on your birthday, Facebook will show you that you have more friends than you thought. I got so many the birthday wishes yesterday, I lost count. And, felt so loved.
  • There is nothing like be greeted by a dog that hasn’t seen you in while It doesn’t matter whether you were gone 5 days or 5 minutes, a dog is alway ecstatic when they see you again. That’s a level of gratification you freaky-ass cat lovers will never know. And, I feel sorry for you.
  • It’s 2015 and we still don’t have flying cars What…the…actual…fuck?!? It’s been over 50 years since The Jetsons debuted with the promise of all sorts of wonders, many of which we have today. Video phones? Check (what do you think Skype is?) Robot maids? Check. (okay, so maybe a Roomba isn’t exactly a maid, but still…) All manner of amazing kitchen gadgets? Check. (I do love gadgets) But, a decent, affordable car that will allow me to soar above all you peons while you sit in traffic? Nope, not even close. That just pisses me off. (Yes, this one is lifted from last year. But, it’s still true, god damn it.)
  • Saying “I’m not a racist, but…” is good sign that you might actually be a racist Or, at the very least, that you’re about to say some racist shit. If that phrase ever crosses your lips, you might want to reconsider what you’re about to say.
  • That, while people might be miserable bastards, they will surprise you now and then Like former Scottish salmon farmer Magnus MacFarlane-Barrow, who set up an organization to provide free school lunches for needy kids in 12 countries across Africa, Asia, South America and the Caribbean. Not bad, Magnus. Not bad at all
  • Today would have been Anne Frank’s 86th birthday Before she died in the concentration camp at Bergen-Belsen, Anne wrote in her diary, “In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.” That she could write this while starving to death at the hands of a regime that has become the epitome of evil astounds me. I’m a white man in America (probably the most privileged group on the planet) and I can’t even come close to that.
  • I absolutely hate those online quizzes that show up in my Facebook timeline Why? Because I have yet to see one I can resist. It doesn’t matter how stupid or ridiculous it may be, I am bound to click on it. Fuck you, BuzzFeed.

That’s enough “wisdom” (and I use that word in the loosest possible sense). I’ll leave you with this video gem of guitar virtuoso Chuck Prophet performing “Summertime Thing”. Yes, that’s Daryl Hall and it’s awesome.