Have a Bible

Obviously, there’s a huge market for Bibles.  Don’t believe me?  Go to any Christian bookstore or website and take a look at all different versions of God’s Word.  There are over 50 different English translations out and that’s just since 1900.  Go back further and list tops 100.  But, lately, my curiosity has been piqued by specialty Bibles.  I suspect that special translations of the Bible have been around as long as it’s been written down.  I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that back in the 1st century, there was Pharisee Bible, complete with essays and commentary about the law and how it should be lived out.  Today, while I was supposed to be working (beginning to notice a theme?), I googled the term “specialty Bible” just to see what was out there.  I had some rather far-fetched ideas for this post and I have to say the real deal gave my made up ones a run for the money in the weirdness department.  Take a look:

  • The Firefighter’s Bible.  Not strictly a Bible, it does have selected scripture readings and it certainly is compiled with a Christian focus.  This was the first one I searched for, only because I happen to be a firefighter.  It wasn’t a long shot, though.  In 21 years on the job, I’ve found that even some of the most unrepentant sinners have a soft spot for God.  I’m not sure if the people bring it to the job or the job brings it out in the people.
  • The Green Bible.  According to Amazon “The Green Bible will equip and encourage you to see God’s vision for creation and help you engage in the work of healing and sustaining it. This first Bible of its kind includes inspirational essays from key leaders such as N. T. Wright, Barbara Brown Taylor, Brian McLaren, Matthew Sleeth, Pope John Paul II, and Wendell Berry. As you read the scriptures anew, The Green Bible will help you see that caring for the earth is not only a calling, but a lifestyle.”  More of a study Bible, it has a “green trail study guide” directing you to specific verses on the environment and stewardship.  I wonder those verses are printed in green letters?
  • The American Patriot’s Bible.   I call this one the Neo-con Bible since it “intersects the teachings of the Bible with the history of the Unites States while applying it to today’s culture.”  We all know the Neo-cons are fond of  telling us that this country was founded on Christian principles.  Now, they’ve got a Bible to back that up. 
  • The Stock-car racing Bible.  This is, quite possibly, the most Southern version of the Bible ever conceived.  Heck, it combines two things Southerners love, racing and religion.  Throw in tickets to a rasslin’ match and you’ve hit the trifecta!
  • The Glo Bible.  From reading the overview of this one, a better name would the Short Attention Span Bible.  It says that it “brings God’s Word to life through HD video, photographs, maps, reading plans, 360-degree virtual tours, and a unique zoomable interface for fast, easy, visual navigation on PC computers.”  See what I mean, plenty of distractions for you ADHD Christians.  I kind of in that group.  I just have ADD, which means I get distracted, but I’m too lazy to do anything about it.

Those are just a few of the specialty Bibles out there.  There are Bibles geared toward kids, teens, men women, moms, dads, singles and couples without children.  There are Bibles for Marines, Sailors, Soldiers and Airmen.  There’s the Battlezone Bible encased in aluminum if you’re really hard on your Bible.  There are even modern language translations like The Message.  These are especially handy if you want to send a fundie into orbit.  They can’t stand it.  But, there are a few groups left out that we need to consider reaching, like:

  • The Stalker’s Bible.  Amidst all the murder and mayhem of the Old Testament, there must be some verses that would comfort these folks.  If nothing else, there’s plenty there that says creepin’ is…, well, creepy.
  • The Pornographer’s Bible.   Of course, a case could be made that Song of Solomon already fills that slot. 
  • The Self-Esteem Bible.  This one’s gonna be hard to do, because the Bible isn’t that big on “I” statements.  But, with a little work, I’m sure we could come up with something.   Because, really, isn’t all about how good we feel about ourselves?
  • The Pick-and-Choose Bible.   Hey, folks are already doing this, why not make a Bible that helps out?  The concept is similar to Thomas Jefferson’s personal Bible, the one where he cut out all the parts that offended him.  Now, old Tom didn’t have technology on his side like we do today.  Imagine a CD version where you could cut-and-paste to your little hearts content.  That way, all those annoying verses that say what you don’t want to hear won’t be in the way anymore.

I realize this post may come off a little snarky, but that’s the breaks.  I’ve been fighting my natural smart-ass side and write satire that’s not offensive, but it’s just not in me.  If it offends you, I apologize.  If you like it, great, tell your friends. 

Mine: The Stalker’s Bible, Self-Esteem Bible, Porno Bible, The Pick-and-choose Bible,