It is becoming a tradition for me to write a witty blog post about aging on my birthday. Last year, I imparted some of the wisdom I’ve accrued in my life. The year before…, well, the year before I didn’t do a witty blog post. Okay, so it’s not really a tradition yet, but I’m making it one. This year, I have some questions I’d like to share with you.
- Why does every commercial aimed at folks my age seem to be about boner pills and adult diapers? I can control my bodily functions just fine and, hard as it may be to believe, there are things I like to do besides knocking boots. And, what the hell is up with the couples sitting out in a field in matching bathtubs? That’s just weird.
- Why do so many people act “old”? While aging is inevitable, getting “old” isn’t. Eventually, of course, the years do catch up to you, no matter what your attitude is. When that happens to me, I hope I remember what Jim “Pee Wee” Martin said this week when he jumped into Normandy on the 70th anniversary of the invasion “I just want to show people you don’t have to just sit and die because you get old”. Sgt. Martin was 23 the first time he made the drop in 1944.
- Why do Presidential election campaigns start so damn early? Isn’t bad enough that I have to hold my nose to vote most cycles? Must we be reminded that our choices are so shitty with endless commercials, interviews, book tours, etc?
- It’s 2014 and we still don’t have flying cars. What’s up with that? It’s been over 50 years since The Jetson’s debuted with the promise of all sorts of wonders, many of them we have today. Video phones? Check (what do you think Skype is?) Robot maids? Check. (okay, so maybe a Roomba isn’t exactly a maid) All manner of amazing kitchen gadgets? Check. (I love gadgets) But, a decent, affordable car that will allow me to fly over all the peons stuck in traffic? Nope, not even close. That just pisses me off.
- What is the appeal of Joel Osteen?!? I mean beyond the whole “God wants you to be rich” thing, of course. His “gospel” (and I use that term very loosely) consists of feel-good crap that wouldn’t even make the cut for the lamest self-help, “I’m Okay, You’re Okay” pop-psychology book ever written and people are falling all over themselves listening to this dude. Seriously, this morning I saw an article that said tickets for his latest speaking tour are going for as much $850. I’m sorry, but that is just obscene.
- What the hell is up with this modesty thing? Look, I’ve got no beef with modesty. In fact, I think being modest is a good thing. But, the idea that young women have to “dress modestly” lest they tempt young men into thinking lustful thoughts (or worse) is the biggest bunch of shit I’ve heard in a long time. Basically, the message is that men only see women as an object of sexual gratification because that’s the way God made them. Instead of teaching our young women to “dress modestly”, how about we teach our young men to see them as living, breathing human beings?
- Why am I so drawn to musical weirdness like Cake? Their song “Never There” is equal parts new wave, techno and alternative rock and would be at home in any of those genres. “The Distance” is maddening, however, if only because it’s the aural equivalent of a train wreck: I can’t not listen to it.
I have plenty more questions (some actually serious), but these are the ones I that sprang to my mind on this 53rd birthday I celebrate today.