I Wanna Know III

Okay, I had to get up really early this morning, which meant going to bed early last night.  It also meant I didn’t have any time to write this morning.  All that adds up to using one of my throw aways (extra posts that I save for times like this).  Twice before I’ve written posts with this title (hence the III), but, the Bible being what it is, I still have questions.  This time we start with:

  • Jacob and the multi-colored livestock _ In the book of Genesis, Jacob is portrayed as cunning and clever.  Or, more accurately, sneaky and tricky.  The most well-known example of this is the way he hoodwinked his brother Esau into selling his birthrite for a bowl of stew.  Later on, while in hiding from Esau and looking for a wife, he comes up against someone who gives him a run for his money.  After Laban hoodoos Jacob into taking Leah as his wife in addition to Rachel, he tries to take him again in a livestock sale.  Jacob asks Laban to give him all the spotted, speckled and non-white goats and sheep in exchange for the way he’s improved his father-in-law’s flocks and Laban agrees.  Then, in a truly underhanded move, Laban moves all those animals 3 days travel away.  Not be outdone, Jacob puts peeled rods of “almond, poplar and plane trees” by the watering holes where his flocks tend to mate.  By looking at the rods while doing the deed, they conceive spotted, speckled and non-white offspring.  Okay, first of all, what are “plane” trees?  Never heard of that one.  Second, how the hell do branches with the bark peeled off influence what babies look like?  That’s some weird animal husbandry.
  •  Moses sees God’s ass_ This one isn’t as trippy as some Bible stories, but it’s certainly odd.  In it, Moses is getting a little fed up with the Israelites bitching and God not speaking up like he thinks He should.  Moses asks God for a peek at his face.  At first, God says okay, but then changes his mind saying that no one can look him and, telling Moses “But, I will let you see my ass”.  Okay, the Bible doesn’t put it that way, saying something about taking His hand away and letting Moses see his “back parts”.  Where I come from, that means ass all day long.  So, we can handle a look at God’s ass, but his face is out-of-bounds?  I don’t get it.
  • David’s bride price for Saul’s daughter_ This one is weird and more than a little sick.  Saul was really jealous of David and found out the boy had the hots for his daughter Michal and figured this would be a way to trip him up.  Now, David loved Michal, but he was poor and didn’t have anything to offer Saul anything for his daughter’s hand.  When he mentioned this to the emissaries Saul had sent to him, they said “Oh, no worries.  The King just wants a hundred Philistine foreskins as a bride price.”  Saul offered this, thinking the bad-ass Philistines would get rid of this irritating shepherd boy for him.  David, ever the overachiever, happily goes out and finds some Phillistines, coming back with not 100 foreskins, but 200.  Saul is backed into to corner and has to give David his daughter in marriage, which just pissed him off and caused even more bad blood between the two.  Two questions: 1) Who the hell asks for anyone’s foreskin?  And, 2) who gets excited about going out and collecting two hundred of the damn things?  For a bunch of uptight, strait-laced Jews, those guys were obsessed with genitalia.
  • Noah gets hammered _ After the flood was over and things were settling down, Noah planted a vineyard, made some wine, got drunk on it and passed out naked in his tent.  While he was sleeping it off, Ham walked in and “saw his nakedness” and told his brothers about it.  Shem and Japeth took a robe, walked in backward and covered Noah up.  When he woke up and found what had happened, Noah cursed Ham and set his brothers over him.  All that for seeing him naked?  Something else was going on here.

Just a few more things I want to know about.