For the past four years, watching the news has been like drinking from fire hose that’s spewing toxic shit and it doesn’t show any sign of letting up. That’s making it more and more difficult to write satire because every time I think I have a good candidate, it gets eclipsed by a more insane story. And QAnon is the responsible party more often than not. The latest antics of these crazy-ass mother-fuckers may have just driven the final nail into satire’s coffin.
In case you’ve been living under a rock–or just decided to protect your sanity by tuning out the news–QAnon is a mostly online conspiracy theory that claims there is a worldwide cabal of Satanic, cannibalistic pedophiles that runs everything, including the United States. And, George Soros, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama are neck-deep in it. But, as bad as things sound, these folks claim there is a savior on the horizon: Donald Trump. Yes, friends, these folks actually believe
a semi-sentient, morally bankrupt fuckwit our 45th president will usher in “The Storm” to rescue the children, save the world, and publicly execute Soros, Hillary, and Obama. Of course, this “storm” has yet to break despite repeated, very date-specific predictions. But hey, it only has to happen once, right? If that doesn’t make you say, “Holy shitballs,” I don’t know what will.
QAnon: From Russia with Love?
QAnon, in all its batshit insanity, did not spring into the public consciousness completely out of nowhere. Its origins lie in another crazy conspiracy theory known as Pizzagate. You probably heard about that one when Edgar Welch shot up a Washington D.C. pizza joint called Comet Ping Pong, whose basement he believed held Hillary Clinton’s secret lair where she was sexually abusing children in satanic rituals (Comet Ping Pong, by the way, doesn’t even have a basement). Where did he get this utterly bonkers idea? From, wait for it, Alex Jones. Where did Jones get it? From Twitter and Facebook. And, according to a Rolling Stone article, they got it from shadowy sources with possible ties to Russia and/or the Trump campaign. Again, holy shitballs.
What’s the Deal…-ey?
Now, you might think that the multiple times that “The Storm” hasn’t broken would dissuade these folks. And, you’d be wrong. Earlier this month, the whack-a-doo faithful gathered at Dealey Plaza in Dallas, with the expectation that John F. Kennedy Jr. would emerge from hiding to become Il Douche’s vice-president when this tangerine nutsack will supposedly be reinstated (that’s not how any of this works). You read that right, beloved, these people believe that JFK Jr., who died in 1999, actually faked his death to escape assassination by Hillary’s cabal and has been silently biding his time until the right moment to reveal himself. And, apparently, that “right moment” involves a short-fingered vulgarian that no Kennedy would be caught dead with. Can I say “holy shitballs” again or would that be redundant?
What the Actual Fuck?
If you thought the crazy ended with JFK Jr., you are oh, so wrong because the longer this thing goes on, the more insane it gets. Oh, did I forget to mention they’re still out there? Because they are, periodically gathering in Dealey Plaza and hoping to see something amazing. And, it’s not just JFK Jr. they’re looking for now. They’re expecting him to appear alongside his father, John F. Kennedy. You remember him, right? The former president whose assassination, in Dealey Plaza, in front of a crowd of eyewitnesses, was captured on film? And, that’s not even the craziest part. They’ll make this joint appearance to anoint Lord Dampnut as the “King of Kings.” Okay, this one deserves more than just a “holy shitballs”, I’m thinking it should get a “what the actual fuck” at the very least.
No One would Believe You
As you may have noticed in the photo at the head of this piece, exaggeration is an important part of satire. Basically, you blow something out of proportion to show how ridiculous it is. And that’s where the problem lies these days: you really can’t blow this shit up any more than it already is. I mean, hell, if I’d tried to put the stuff that’s actually happening right now in a story back in 2015, people would’ve said, “Get the fuck out of here. We’re never gonna see some crazy shit like that.” And yet, here we are.
One Foot in the Grave, the Other on a Banana Peel
I said at the beginning of this post that the latest QAnon insanity may have finished off satire. They’re not alone but the level of their fucking batshit craziness is unsurpassed by any other group. In both content and quantity. Thanks to them, I have to say that if satire’s not dead, it’s on life support. And these whack-jobs are reaching for the goddamned plug.