I’ll Take Two Boxes, Please

The conservative vision of Girl Scouts?
The conservative vision of the Girl Scouts are all about

Yesterday, during worship, the Daisy troop that meets at College Park Baptist Church introduced themselves and told us a few things they were doing, like purchasing stuffed animals to help children who have been resettled in our area (Greensboro has a history of welcoming refugees) and donating a portion of the money from cookie sales to support Backpack Beginnings, a group we partner with to provide food, comfort items and other basic necessities to children who are at risk. That sounds great, doesn’t it? Heart-warming, even. Too bad it’s all negated by the fact that all of this is possible solely because of lesbian abortion cookies.

Yes, friends, “It’s that time of the year when the right-wing go nuttier than usual“. Why? Because they are passionately convinced that the Girl Scouts of the USA, a group who’s mission statement says “Girl Scouting builds girls of courage, confidence, and character, who make the world a better place”, are promoting homosexual indoctrination, abortion and communism. Or, as this article from the Catholic News Agency says, the GSUSA partners with groups “like Planned Parenthood and affiliated organizations, which sell a distinctly un-holy vision of sexual empowerment secured by contraception and abortion.” To quote philosopher Frank Barone, “Holy crap!”

So, where did this lunacy come from? Outside of the fevered imaginations of people who see any and all change as a fright-inducing circumstance to not only be avoided, but fought tooth and nail, I mean. Like many overwrought conservative myths, the origins of this one are clouded in the mists of time (and, by “clouded in the mists of time”, I mean I was too lazy to look for it). Perhaps it lies in one of the earliest references to conservative issues with the Girl Scouts: the story that cookie sales are helping fund Planned Parenthood. But, there’s one, small problem with that tale: it isn’t true. As their website states, “One hundred percent of the net revenue raised through the Girl Scout Cookie Program stays with the local council and troops.” It also says, “Girl Scout troops may also choose to use proceeds to purchase materials for a Take Action/Service project to benefit the community.” You know, like donating some of the money to an agency that makes sure other kids get enough to eat or buying toys to comfort children whose lives have been disrupted in an extremely traumatic fashion. Why, those little commie, gay-loving bitches; who the hell do they think they are?

I wish I could say I came up with the phrase, “lesbian abortion cookies”, but I can’t. I’m not sure where it came from, but it perfectly sums up the ridiculous lengths some groups will go to in order to silence/marginalize organizations that threaten the status quo. You see, the real problem with the Girl Scouts isn’t that they’re pushing homosexual indoctrination or abortion, it’s that they promote the empowerment of women.  Because, if women have anything more than the illusion of equality, they won’t stay home and serve us men. God knows, we can’t allow that to happen.