It’s Not Easy Being White

Satire: a literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

angry-white-men-GOPAs I’ve mentioned in several posts, a little over a week ago, I attended the Emergence Christianity conference. One of the features of the conference was something called “PechaKucha” presentations. Now, as a card-carrying southern white man, I am automatically suspicious of anything that’s not dyed-in-the-wool, red-white-and-blue American and this PechaKucha thing was no exception. When I saw it on the itinerary, I had no idea what it was and did a little investigation. It seems that this thing was developed by Astrid Klein (?!? Isn’t that a Jewish name?) and Mark Dytham at a Tokyo architecture firm. A Jew woman and some obviously limp-wristed fellow in Japan (what, America’s not good enough for them)? This thing was looking more shady all the time and was exactly what I would expect from those damn emergents; a crowd so liberal, they’re practically communists. Hell, they actually allow women to speak at their functions and any good Christian knows that women are supposed to be silent in church…, or anywhere else for that matter. But, to my surprise, this PechaKucha thing wasn’t too bad. Oh, most of the presentations were filled with liberal bullshit and (shudder) actual thinking. But, out of all the garbage, I saw one slide that really struck a chord. Bruce Reyes-Chow (oh good God. A man with a hyphenated name???) flashed one that said “It’s not easy being white”. Believe me, a truer statement has never been said.

What’s so hard about being white, you ask? Sit back, boys and girls, and listen while one of your elders explains things. Once upon a time, being a white man meant something in this country. Hell, white men started the country. We came here from Europe and found a new world populated by a bunch of savages with practically no work ethic and very little vision for the potential of this land. We white men hacked out settlements, then towns and finally cities. We started industries that took advantage of the potential this place had to offer and built the greatest country in the world. Oh sure, we did it by stealing land from the natives and enslaving Negroes (African-Americans? I am not calling them that), but you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs. Achieving greatness requires sacrifice. Is it our fault we were smart enough to get others to make that sacrifice? Of course not, that’s crazy talk. If wasn’t for white men, the Indians (“Native Americans”? Not no, but HELL no! ) would still be chasing buffalo and living in teepees and the Blacks? Well, those ungrateful bastards should be happy we tore their ancestors away from their home and families and made them slaves. Sure, it was back-breaking work and they were treated as something less than human, but isn’t that better than being in Africa and eaten by lions? And, women? Please, any thinking man knows that women are best off when kept barefoot and pregnant. Besides, their physiology isn’t really suited to running things. They have that monthly visitor, you know.

White men have taken on the responsibility of running things and what thanks do we get? None. Instead of being grateful for all we’ve done, you start talking about equality and such. You might as well spit in our face. When the founding fathers said “All men are created equal”, they meant white men, not black, not red, not brown. And, you’ll notice it says “men”. That takes women out the equation. As soon as you minorities realize Jefferson and company got it right and return the white man to his rightful place (on top of the heap), we’ll all be  better off.