Merry CHRIST-mas

satire def

What with the War on Christmas and all, it is crucial that you let everyone know you’re a true Christian. Heck that’s tough on a regular day; doing so while celebrating the birth of our LordSaviorJesusChrist adds a whole new dimension of difficulty; standing out from the crowd of heathens who pretend to be Christians by celebrating Advent (yuck) and all that Papist-inspired claptrap is not easy. Luckily, you have me to guide you down the path to piety. And, by piety, I mean taking the holier-than-thou ethos that is American Christianity to dizzying new heights. Let’s get started!

First things first; your tree. Don’t listen to the atheists and liberals (I know, I know, that’s a bit redundant) when they tell you the Christmas tree is a pagan symbol. Maybe it was in the past, but not anymore; we co-opted that sucker years ago. Show those smug infidels how it’s done by putting up a CHRIST-mas tree:


Christ-mas tree

Originally, these little gems were sold by a company called Boss Creations, but it looks like they’re no longer in business. No matter, you can make your own. Just take one of those artificial trees that looks like it was made out of pipe cleaners, jam a cross up in that sucker and you’re good to go.

If you’d rather have a real tree (my personal preference), make sure you get it from the right lot. And, how do you know which lot is the right one? Well, you can always look for signs with crosses or fish on them, but non-believers are picking up on our signals and you could end up buying a tree from an atheist. Or even worse, a Catholic. Best do your shopping at a lot like this one:



I like this. It’s unambiguous and brooks no nonsense. Is it exclusive? Of course, silly. That’s what makes it Christian.

Now that you’ve got your tree, it’s time to decorate. It’s fine to use some of the ornaments you already have. As long as they aren’t satanic. Or, should I say Santa-nic. Hang anything representing that fat, red-suited pagan on your tree and you might as well get on the express train to Hell right now. Instead, praise Jesus and let everyone know which side you’re on in the War on Christmas with ornament like this one:


Jesus is the reason ornamentNow, let’s top your tree off. In the past, you’ve probably used an angel or a star, but everyone’s doing that these days. No, you’ve got to stand out and let the world know that you belong to Jesus. One of the best ways to do that is with the King’s Crown tree topper:


Christ crown tree topper

Not only is it an amazing replica of Jesus’ crown of thorns, it also comes from Israel. That means you can show your heretical neighbors what a great Christian you are and support the Jews. But, only until they rebuild the temple. Then, they’re going to straight to Hell with the rest of the sinners.

Now that you’ve got the tree up and decorated, it’s time to work on the outside a bit. Of course, you must have a wreath. I mean, what’s Christmas without one? But, don’t go the traditional round one; you’ll be no different from the heathens if you do. Instead, try this on for size:



Nothing beats a cross when it comes to rubbing your piety in other people’s faces. And, let’s be honest, they deserve it for being luke-warm enough to hang a round wreath.

There you have it, beloved. Follow these tips and you’ll have the holiest Christmas display in town. Because, showing everyone else your faith is stronger than theirs is what being a Christian is all about. Right?