Lately, the news has been abuzz with talk about a Muslim mosque being built at Ground Zero. There are a couple of problems with that statement. First of all, it’s not a mosque they want to build, it’s a Muslim cultural center. Think Muslim YMCA. It does have a prayer space, but it also has a banquet hall and a swimming pool. Second, they don’t want to build at Ground Zero, but 2 blocks away. And, there are already 2 mosques in the same area. Not to mention strip clubs, bars and an Off Track Betting office. So much for the “hallowed ground” argument. But, the question is are the Muslims being insensitive? Or, are the Republicans playing politics with this situation? The answer is yes and a resounding…, yes! Let’s face it, it is a bit of a dick move to build anything Islamic within shouting distance of the site of the one of the greatest tragedies in American history. A tragedy perpetrated by Muslims, even if they were extremist nut job Muslims. But, it’s an even bigger dick move to say they shouldn’t be allowed to build it. However, the ultimate dick move is to use this situation to make political hay and inflame people against the government because your party isn’t in power. The Republicans are the masters of this particular dickishness. They’re the people who brought us the culture wars over abortion and gay rights. What makes the debate over these all these areas dickish (yes, I made that word up. But it fits) is that they’re either non-issues or so complicated that no compromise will be found in my lifetime. And, the mosque issue is a real coup. They can whip up hysterical, foaming-at-the-mouth crowds with absolutely over-the-top nasty rhetoric; then, when they’re called out on it, they can dial it back and say they’d never advocate violating anyone’s civil rights and accuse the Muslims of being insensitive. The only problem with these things is that they usually don’t have legs. Abortion and gay rights notwithstanding, (they are the gold standard), something else usually comes along to knocks it off the radar and it becomes old news. Then you sound like an asshole if you keep pushing it. So, to help the Republicans out, I came out with some new ideas for use when the mosque is built and everything’s fine:
Curing Homosexuality. Sure, every major mental health professions and almost all mental health professionals have rejected the idea that homosexuality can be “cured”. Why let that stand in the way of a good controversy? Let’s start a campaign saying that homosexuality is a disease and we need to find a cure. Not only will it divert attention from real issues, it might even provide a few jobs. Kind of like Ken Ham’s creationist empire has.
Polygamist sects. Why stop with gay marriage? People having more than one wife have to be as much danger to the institution of marriage as gay couples. Ooh, what about gay polygamist marriage? That would be the trifecta: UnChristian (Mormon) gay people marrying more than one spouse. Jackpot!
The Crucified Santa. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And, apparently, the Japanese crucified him. Of course, it’s an urban legend and never happened. But, it will get everyone riled up at the Japanese and isn’t that better than everyone being riled up at you because you suck as an elected official?
Banning Christian broadcasting. This one has been around for a while and resurfaces periodically. But, for some reason, no one has seen the enormous potential benefit it packs. Government persecution against Christians is always a blockbuster. Glenn Beck needs to pick this one up and run with it. It’s not true, of course, but neither is the “Obama is a socialist” line and he’s still beating that dead horse.
Book Burnings. ” To hell with the First Amendment! We have the right to a country free from any disagreement with our views!” How’s that for a rallying cry? And, let’s not stop with smut like “Catcher in the Rye” or “Huck Finn”, either. Burn any Bible translation with don’t like, too!
Save our children from Satan. Games like Dungeons & Dragons, books and movies like Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings and any music other than hymns are ways Satan works his way into our kids lives and they must be banned! Again, not true; but, why let reality stand in the way of a good fight?
Immunization. I’m not talking about that crazy Jennie McCarthy idea of shots causing autism. No, the government is using the immunization program to inject our children with brain-washing chemicals to turn them against God, truth and the American Way. Of course, by that I mean the God I believe in, truth as I interpret it and the American Way of spending my ass off to prop up Big Business and never hold it accountable. Because what’s less American than accountability?
That’s just a few of the ideas I came up with. I doubt the Republicans need my help, though. I’m pretty sure they have think tanks that do nothing but come up with ways to cloud the issues and blur the facts. Otherwise, we’d realize what a disaster they are and send them packing.