Okay, I get it, we’ve headed into the holiday season. But that doesn’t mean all you Christmas cluckers can start with all your shit. I mean, seriously, your favorite holiday is a month and a half away and if you start with your crap now, by the time the day actually gets here, we’ll be looking at the proverbial dead horse. Besides, Christmas doesn’t actually begin until December 25th. The time leading up to that day is Advent (I hate Advent and you assholes just made me reference it. Know that I will never forgive you.) and even that doesn’t start until November 28th. Second, jumping the gun the way you happy assholes do completely ignores the hands-down best holiday of the year: Thanksgiving.
Right about now, some fuckwit is thinking, “Thanksgiving? What’s so great about Thanksgiving?” To that, I say, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Thanksgiving is the best.” If you doubt me, here are a few reasons why I say that:
- All the food, none of the stress. Look, after a certain point in your life, Christmas starts to lose its appeal. Granted, the charm makes a comeback when your kids are little, and again when you have grandchildren, but the universal constants of Christmas are food and stress. And, there’s a ton of both. With Thanksgiving, however, you get to forego the fucking stress and eat yourself into a food coma. It’s a-ma-zing.
- Speaking of food. American Thanksgiving fare may be one of our greatest contributions to the culinary world. Well, excluding turkey. I’m not really a fan of some shitty, dried-out bird meat. But, mashed potatoes, gravy, dressing/stuffing, deviled eggs, green beans, biscuits, and pumpkin pie? Oh god, yes! I realize I didn’t include macaroni and cheese in that list. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. But, for me, the jury is out on whether it’s a legitimate Thanksgiving side (in my family, it makes an appearance on New Year’s with the black-eyed peas and collards), but I ain’t hatin’. If it’s part of your tradition, chow down.
- The leftovers. Oh my god, the leftovers. Yeah, I know they start to get monotonous after a while (turkey sandwiches, turkey salad, turkey gravy, turkey hash, turkey a la king, turkey soup), but until they do? Heaven. Just… heaven. Especially this awesome fucking sandwich.
- Spending time with family. Okay, this one is a bit of a double-edged sword. If you’re lucky, like me, you have a family you actually want to hang around with. But hey, I get it; not everyone is so fortunate. Look at this way, if you’re not one of the lucky few, Thanksgiving is pretty much a one-and-done, which translates to a much shorter time with relatives who irritate the fucking hell out of you. Christmas cannot say the same.
- Because it falls on Thursday, it’s always a guaranteed 4 day weekend. This is one of the most underrated perks of Thanksgiving. A for sure long weekend every time it rolls around? Take that, Christmas with your middle-of-the-week bullshit.
- The parades and football. Okay, I fucking hate football (sports in general, really) but watching a bunch of semi-sentient gorillas give each other traumatic brain injuries is a Thanksgiving tradition. And the parades aren’t what they used to be, with all those Broadway numbers and such (fuck a Broadway number). If I’m being honest, Christmas Day, with it’s “A Christmas Story” marathon, actually has better televison options. But, tradition is tradition, and we will watch parades and fucking football (gag) on Thanksgiving Day.
- The nap. I suppose you could take a nap on Christmas Day but when would you find the time? Between the god damned enforced socializing, eating 2-3 meals, opening gifts, and traveling to multiple relatives’ homes, you can barely catch your breath, much less find time for a snooze. But, napping is required on Thanksgiving. In fact, about 30 minutes after the meal, your fat-ass, Trump-supporting uncle will stop driving you crazy because he’ll be kicked back in the recliner with his hand shoved into the waistband of his pants (belt unbuckled, of course) snoring like a freight train. That means you’ll get a few moments peace even you don’t take a nap yourself.
- It’s not religious. That means you don’t have put up with the Christian culture warriors and their god damned incessant carping about the “War on Christmas”. Will you have to listen to basic-ass white girls yammer on about fucking pumpkin spice lattes? Yes, but that’s a trade I’ll make any day.
- Corporations haven’t found an easy way to cash in on Thanksgiving. That means it’s not nearly as commercialized as Christmas. Sure, there’s Black Friday. But that can work in your favor since many of your more aggravating family members are often the ones who love that shit. They head out to stand in long lines and fight crowds for deals that aren’t really deals and leave you at home with all that lovely food. That’s a win in any book if you ask me.
- NO GIFTS! That’s right, friends. No obsessing over finding the perfect present for that asshole cousin who’s so hard to buy for, no trekking out and fighting the god damned crowds, and, most importantly, no spending money you don’t have on shit they don’t want. Does it get any better than that?
- It’s the perfect excuse for day drinking. Not only is a glass of wine part of the Thanksgiving meal in many households, a cocktail or two before eating is also included. And then, there’s the digestif, an after-dinner drink to aid digestion (man, the French think of everything). Just make sure your fat-ass uncle stays away from the Irish coffee or you might not get those few moments of fucking peace.
Before I close, I want to stress that this is not an exhaustive list. It’s just the things I could think of in the moment. And, believe me, I am no expert on holidays. If there are egregious errors, please feel free to drop a comment and inform me of them. If not, then tell a Christmas freak to shut the fuck up and wait until December to start their bullshit. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.