The Flaming Assholes

No, that’s not the name of a punk band. It’s not my latest nickname for the Republican-led North Carolina General Assembly, either. That, beloved, is the latest warning to people who are LGBTQ from Reverend David Manning of the Atlah World Missionary Church.

In a recent episode of his online series, “The Manning Report”, the good reverend said, “If you are a sodomite, God’s going to have a flame coming out of your butthole!” Just a few minutes before that, he said,”God is going to put a cancer in the butthole of every Sodomite.” It appears the good Reverend doesn’t understand theology or anatomy. Because, to the best of my knowledge, neither of those things work like that.

Manning doesn’t understand theology because 1) the sin of Sodom wasn’t gay sex, it was a severe lack of hospitality (and, I mean that in the biblical sense. See Ezekiel 16:49-50) and 2) GOD DOESN’T GIVE PEOPLE CANCER! I don’t have a scripture to back that last one up, I’m relying on common sense. If you want to follow a god who’s that much of an asshole, I suppose that’s your prerogative. Personally, I prefer one who helps me through shit like that.

He’s just as far off base when it comes to anatomy. In case you didn’t know, I am a two-time colorectal cancer survivor (which can be, to put it bluntly, cancer of the butthole), so I have a little knowledge on this subject. Now, I’ll be the first to say that both of my bouts with the Big “C” sucked ass, but it never felt like I had a flame coming out of my butt.

That’s not to say I haven’t had what felt like flames coming out of my butt a few times. But, it’s usually after eating something really spicy. Once, I had some pork braised in Scott’s barbecue sauce. The next morning, when I went to the bathroom, I swear there was fire coming out of my ass. The rest of the day, I took a garden hose with me whenever I felt the urge. Of course, that was after delaying as long as I could. I mean, who wants a jet of flame shooting out of their butt when they relieve themselves?

To be fair, Manning’s claim isn’t exactly what you’d call “unexpected”; the man has a history of saying batshit crazy stuff. I mean, we are talking about the guy who said Starbucks flavors their lattes with semen. Here’s a direct quote:  “Semen flavours up the coffee, and makes you thinks you’re having a good time.” Wait, what? How would that even work? Like every Starbucks have a gay guy in the back, masturbating furiously to provide all this “flavor”? Something tells me you’d have a hard time getting that one past the health inspector.

 Manning’s “flaming asshole” statement may be his swan song, however. It seems that his church is having some financial difficulties. So much so, that a NY state judge ordered the building be sold at public auction to due $1 million in unpaid bills and fines. He is, of course, fighting the order. But, even if he prevails in this case, he personally owes hundreds of thousand of dollars in back taxes. Saying that it doesn’t look good is like saying Ted Cruz is kind of creepy; i.e. one hell of an understatement.
I don’t know about you, but that makes me a little sad. Oh sure, Manning preaches hate, but at least it was interesting and creative hate. Compared to fiery buttholes and semen-flavored lattes, Franklin Graham’s crusade against the Girl Scouts and Pat Robertson’s senile ramblings sound relatively sane. Call me crazy, but I’m almost rooting for the nutty bastard. What can I say, I like an underdog. Especially one that provides the kind of blog fodder that Manning does.