Things You Never Hear In Church

Things-You-Never-Hear-In-ChurchThere’s a list that’s made the rounds for quite a while called the Top Ten Things You Never Hear In Church. It’s yet another case of Christians stealing something from pop culture and using it for evangelism. Only this time it’s actually funny and it even makes you think. And, not even about how lame the joke is.  Check out the original list:


  1. Hey, it’s my turn to sit on the front pew!
  2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
  3. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
  4. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 I used to to televangelists.
  5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
  6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
  7. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
  8. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
  9. Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
  10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

Like I said, not too bad.  But, I’ve come up with a few of my own.  Here they are:

  1. You know, Reverend, you don’t preach anywhere near enough sermons sin
  2. A lock-in?  Sign me up for the midnight to 6 am shift!
  3. I really feel called to mission work among the homeless.
  4. Tithe, schmithe.  I’m giving it all and trusting God to take care of me.
  5. I’m living biblically for the next year.  Where should I present burnt offering?
  6. I just love teaching the second grade Sunday school class!
  7. Wow, those are some really neat tattoos.  And, how many piercings?  11?  Cool!
  8. Questions?  We love questions here!
  9. We worship a smelly, homeless guy.  Of course you’re welcome.
  10. I fucking love Jesus!!! (courtesy Ryan Kemp-Pappan)

What about you? Got anything to add to the list?