You’re Making Us Look Bad, Pat

I think it goes without saying that Christianity isn’t the sanest belief system on the planet. I mean, orthodox belief says that “a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.” But, just when you think we’re going to settle down into a relatively normal level of insanity, someone will say something that rises above this base level of craziness. Like Pat Robertson, for instance.  Robertson is, of course, the host of ABC Family’s “The 700 Club” and creator of such gems as “…those who are homosexual will die out because they don’t reproduce” and or that people are gay because they were “attacked [or] molested by some authority figure, or else a magazine or something has confused them.” And, bless his heart, he’s done it again.

While discussing a certain Indiana pizzeria during a recent broadcast, Robertson said that Christians are going to be forced to say they like all sorts of things, up and including bestiality. That’s right, kids, being gay is directly equivalent to boning animals. I’m amazed he didn’t also include pedophilia on his list. Brother Pat didn’t limit the things “the gays” will force on us just to”getting down on the farm”, though; he also claimed we’ll forced to say we like oral and anal sex, too. I hate to break to the old boy, but most of us don’t have a problem with anal and oral; at most, some of the more uptight believers may have an issue with admitting they like it.

Pat’s no one hit wonder, though. Back in February, he said we need to be careful buying clothes at the thrift store because they might have demons attached. Yes, beloved; you need to pray over anything you buy at Goodwill to rebuke any demons that might have glommed onto whatever piece of courturierial irony you picked up. When Hugh Hollowell shared this nugget, he said “When our guests (at the Love Wins hospitality house) say things like this, they end up in the nervous hospital.” Evidently, when you’re in Robertson’s position, your eccentricities don’t land you in a mental institution, they improve your ratings.

Robertson, however, is not the only crazy-ass “Christian” out there: Michele Bachman recently said that the president’s proposed nuclear deal with Iran is evidence that The Rapture™ is imminent. And, she’s not that happy about it either. That’s a bit odd, don’t you think? Wouldn’t most Christians who believe in this particular eschatological model would be happy at the prospect of not only Jesus coming back, but all those dirty sinners getting theirs? I guess her Obama Derangement Syndrome has over-ridden her excitement about our Lord and Savior’s imminent return. It’s kind of sad, really. That she believes such crazy-ass stuff, I mean. That whole Rapture thing is just too weird for to think about.

So, why am I concentrating on obvious nutters like Robertson and Bachman when there’s so much ugly crap being said by people like John MacArthur? Because, while I might not have the theological chops to take apart MacArthur’s bullshit, I can write a satirical piece about the insanity that comes from people like Robertson and Bachman. And, hopefully, inspire a laugh or two in the process. If those laughs only come from me, that’s not such a bad thing. Right?