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Rain On Car Windows

“You sure you wanna do this?” he asked. “You don’t have to. We can find another way.”

“No,” she snapped. Then, softer, “Sorry. We’ve been over this and over this. There is no other way.”

He sighed heavily, “I know. I just… I just… never thought I’d be part of something like this.” He dropped his head onto the steering wheel. “How the fuck did we end up here?”

She turned in her seat to look at him. “Does it matter?” she asked. “We’re here and this is our only way out. Believe me, if there were another option, I’d be all over it.” She shifted back and stared out the windshield at the rain that sluiced down in buckets.

Suddenly, he sat up and said sharply, “No! You’re not doing this. I am not going to be the guy who allows his girl to do something like this because he was irresponsible.”

He reached down to start the car, but she was quicker and snatched the keys out of the ignition.

“We’ve already had this conversation and this is it: Our only option. There…is…no…other…way!” She dropped the keys on the console between them. “Look, if I can handle this, you can handle this. Fuck, I’m the one who’s actually something. You just have to sit around and wait.”

It was his turn to stare at her. “Yeah, it’s so easy for me. Just sit around while my girlfriend is violated. And, why? Because we owe a shit load of money and I can’t keep a fucking job. It’ll be a piece of god damned cake.” He looked out the side window as the rain ran in streams down its surface. “Fuck you,” he muttered. He heard her breathe in sharply. He didn’t turn back.

“I’m sorry,” she said with a catch in her voice. “I guess I didn’t think of what this is doing to you.” Her voice trembling, she said, “Turn around.” He didn’t move. On the verge of tears, she begged him, “Turn around. Please.” He continued to peer out the window. Crying, she pleaded with him, “Won’t you please turn around!” Slowly, he turned back, but stopped short of looking at her.

“Look,” she said, as the words began to pour out of her, “This has got me on edge and I just wasn’t thinking about how it was affecting you. Can you forgive me?” He continued to stare out the windshield. “Please?” she added, a hint of desperation in her voice.

He took in a breath, held it a second and slowly let it out. “Yeah,” he finally said. “I guess we’re both having a harder time with this than we thought we would.” They sat quietly for a few minutes.

“So, you talked to Kat and she said it wasn’t so bad, right?” she asked with much less confidence than she had displayed earlier.

He nodded. “She said she was super-nervous at first, just like you. Then, they gave her a shot. After it kicked in, she just sort of floated through the whole rest of the… thing.”

She hesitated for a second, then asked, “What did Tony say?”

A sour look came over his face and he answered, “Tony didn’t say shit. He just sat there.” Then, “After a minute or two, he got and left the room. Kat told me he got some 4 Loko and got fucked up while she was in there.”

She sat there, staring at the rain on the car window and said in a voice almost too soft to hear, “You won’t do that to me, will you?”

His head whipped around. “Wha…, why the fuck would you even ask that?!?” he demanded angrily.

She flinched. There was a drawn-out pause, then she said, “Well, there was that time at I got so drunk an―”

He slammed his fist on the dashboard and snarled, “You are never going to let me forget that, are you!?” He gave a short, bitter laugh. “One time,” he said, holding up a finger. “One fucking time I leave you at a party and you just can’t let it go.”

“But, I was passed out in Tony’s bedroom!” she protested. “During one of those wild-ass parties he used to throw. Anything could’ve happened.”

“Oh, you were safe enough,” he said. “Tony doesn’t let that kind of shit happen at his parties.”

“You don’t know that,” she countered. “He can’t be everywhere.”

“Whatever,” he replied dismissively. “Nothing happened, so everything’s cool. Why do you have to bring this up every time I say I’ll do something?”

She sat there for a moment, before saying, “I don’t know. I guess I can be kind of bitch sometimes.” He nodded. She pulled her arms in across her chest, hugging her herself. “I’m sorry. I won’t mention it again.”

“It’s okay,” he said, reaching out and caressing her face. “And, don’t worry. I’ll be right outside the whole time, waiting for you.” She smiled and laid her cheek in his palm. Then, he dropped his hand onto the console and she wrapped her arm in his and pulled it in. It was a close to a hug as could be managed in the confines of the front seat.

They sat that way, in silence, for a few minutes before she asked, “What time is it?”

He glanced at the clock. “You’ve got a few minutes.” After a long pause, he asked again, “You sure you want to do this?”

“No,” she answered, “I’m not. I’m scared. Like, really, really fucking scared.”

He looked down at the floorboard. “I know. So, am I. But, what else can we do?” He exhaled. “I mean, do have any idea how bad things will get if we don’t handle this, right now?” She nodded. “I don’t even want to think of the consequences if we back out,” he said. “It will not be pretty.”

She hugged his arm tighter and said, “I know. I’ll do it. I’m just… scared, that’s all.”

“I know,” he said, “me too.”

They sat there, watching the rain as it coursed down the windows of the car. Then, the alarm on his phone began to sound. He disengaged his arm and pulled his phone out his pocket. He swiped his finger up the screen to unlock it and saw the calendar alert. “It’s time,” he said.

Without a word, she reached into the back seat and grabbed a small duffle packed with all the things she’d need. She leaned over and kissed him, then got out of the car and walked through the pouring rain to the door of the building. He watched her all the way, until she disappeared inside. Then, he turned and sat there, watching the rain on the car windows.

 

 

 

 

 

Something New

Followers of The Progressive Redneck have probably noticed that posts have been few and far between of late. There’s a couple of reasons for that, the biggest one being that I just don’t have time to write 2-3 posts that are worth reading every week. The other is that what I was doing last year this time has lost a lot of its luster. You can write about the abject shittiness of the dark underbelly of politics or religion for so long before it starts to pull you down. The break from blogging forced on me by school helped me realize that it is time to do something else.

So, what am I going to do? I believe I’m going back to my first love in writing: fiction. And, I’ll give you fair warning: it won’t always be “nice”, or “polite” or even safe for work. If that’s a problem for any subscriber, send me an email and I’ll remove you from the list with no hard feelings.

As a last hurrah before I depart the Christian blogosphere, I give you this poem I wrote last night. I hope you enjoy it.

Does God Exist?
They say God is dead,
that God never existed.
They are right.
The God they talk about,
the angry, vengeful old man
sitting on a throne with
a handful of lightning bolts,
the God who despised his
creation so much that
he destroyed it with a flood,
the God so obsessed
with blood that His
very own son
had to die before
He could forgive
the humans that He
created and imbued
with free will,
that God never was
and never will be.

But, they are also wrong,
God does exist.
God exists in stardust
that, thrown asunder
by the Big Bang,
coalesced into stars,
then into planets, then
into bacteria, plants
animals and
finally, humans.
God exists because
God is the universal love
that binds all
this together and
makes us one.
As long as there is one
tiny, imperceptible. Lilliputian
scrap of love in this world,
God
will
exist.

No Homosexual Lifestyle???

In August of last year, the darling of the progressive Christian world, John Pavlovitz, wrote a post titled Repeat After Me: “There is No Such Thing as a “Homosexual Lifestyle.”  What?!? No homosexual lifestyle? I find that hard to believe. I mean, if there’s no “homosexual lifestyle”, that means I’ve been an asshole for absolutely no reason whatsoever. That is a turn of events I just cannot accept.

Look, there are numerous places where the Bible plainly states homosexuality is a sin. Here are a few of those places:

  • In Leviticus 18:22, God told Moses that men shouldn’t lie with men as they do with women because that is an abomination. Of course, a few chapters earlier, God also told Moses that the people shouldn’t eat pork and shrimp. But, I love pork and shrimp, so I ignore that part. Thank you, God, for the miracle of proof-texting!
  • In 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, Paul said that “homosexuals” won’t “inherit the kingdom of God”. Yes, I know the word “homosexual” doesn’t appear in the Bible until the middle of the 20th century. But, the words that have been rendered as “homosexual” are slang terms and we really don’t know what they mean. But, hey, if we don’t know what Paul meant, what’s wrong with interpreting it in a way that benefits us “normal”, straight folks?
  • In Romans 1:26-28, Paul tells us that men and women gave up natural, God-ordained relations and defiled themselves with icky, same-sex shenanigans and were promptly punished for it. Sure, in the very next chapter, Paul tells us that God condemns the kind of judgement he just threw out, but that doesn’t help my case, so I’m ignoring it.

Seriously, is this man, this “pastor”, trying to tell me that my deeply held religious belief about the homosexuals, based on a Bible verses that have been few proof-texted and cherry-picked within an inch of their life, is wrong? Really?

According to Pavlovitz, “We all have a gender identity and a sexual orientation and these things all fall along a vast and complicated continuum. It is this specific combination of both how we see ourselves and who we are drawn to that form this essential part of who we are.” Oh, come on, “gender identity” and “sexual orientation”? Everyone knows God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. And, Eve was always Eve, not Steve who decided he was Eve. No less an authority than the Southern Baptist Convention backs this up in their resolution “On Transgender Identity”. How could that many Baptists be wrong about something like this?

He also says that the Christians are holding onto “the prejudices and fears our faith inherited 3500 years ago when we didn’t know what we know now” and is “deliberately choosing to not know now; preferring religion to reality”. Well, of course we are. Otherwise we might have to change. And, if there’s one thing we don’t do very well, it’s change.

Look, the bottom line is that accepting homosexuality as innate and not a “lifestyle” is just another step onto the slippery slope that will ultimately lead Christians to live by the teachings of Jesus and start loving our neighbor and turning the other cheek. God only knows where that could lead.

Making Jesus Great Again

Now, that’s my kind of savior!

Since we elected Donald Trump to make America great again, I think we need to take some steps to make Christianity great, too. Now, most of you probably believe that Christianity is already great. I mean, God did answer the prayers of hundreds of thousands of Christians in giving the election to Donald Trump and all, but you have to admit, there are areas of Christianity that could use some work. Like all that non-violence talk and the stuff about money that libtards yammer on about. But, the starting point for all this has to be giving Jesus a makeover. And, boy, does he need it.

What, you don’t think we need a new Jesus? Boy, have you got your head in the sand. I mean seriously, turn the other cheek and love your neighbor? What a cuck. No, if we’re going to make this religion (and this country) great again, we need to follow a real manly man, a jacked Jesus, if you will. I don’t know about you, but I have no desire to follow some little pussy who won’t even fight back.

To accomplish this makeover, we’re going to have tip over a few sacred cows. Like, for instance, the Bible. That will probably be the biggest obstacle in branding our new and improved alt-savior. Yes, I know the Bible is the pure, unadulterated Word of God and every syllable is literally true and needs no interpretation. But, seriously, we’ve been furtively working the Good Book to our benefit for centuries, what with all the proof-texting and cherry picking. All I’m saying is we stop sneaking and come out in the open.

Our most common weapon should be to just ignore the verses we don’t like and focus hard on the ones we do. Like, we just omit all those inconvenient calls to non-violence that Jesus issued and concentrate on the one that goes, “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.” Easy peasy, right? Like I said, we’ve been doing this shit for years. And, the ones we can’t ignore just need a little tweaking; you know, sort of like Andy Schlafly did with his Conservative Bible project.

Take that “turn the other cheek” bullshit. In Matthew 5:38-39, Jesus says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.” With just a little work, it becomes “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But, I tell you do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, pop that motherfucker in the face.” Now, that’s a guy I can respect!

I’m telling you, this won’t be that difficult. I mean, we already elected a thrice-divorced casino owner who has committed adultery on numerous occasions, made multiple semi-incestuous comments about his daughter and appeared on the cover of Playboy, and cited our faith for doing so. All this new movement will require is selling what’s left of our souls and giving up the few principles we have left. How hard can that be?

__________________________

Special thanks to Alaina Cobb for the inspiration and revised Bible verse. I couldn’t have done it without you, friend!

Sound and Fury

hail-trump
I’m sure he doesn’t know anything about these guys.

As many of you probably know, I am not a fan of our Dear Leader-to-be, Donald J. Trump. The reasons for my antipathy are many and varied, from his choice of the most anti-LGBTQ governor in America as his vice-president to his relationship with the alt-right, a group of racist trolls whose taint was mostly contained to the internet until the Tangerine Nightmare drew them out from under their bridges. And, of course, there are the temper tantrums he regularly throws on Twitter; all of which would embarrass the brattiest of three year olds.

One of more troubling actions of President-elect Trump’s (I throw up in my mouth a little every time I say that) is his refusal to reject the hateful ideology of the alt-right. Not only has he been silent on the matter, he has appointed their top propagandist, Breitbart’s Steve Bannon, as his chief adviser. And, yes, I realize referring to this as “troubling” is a lot like World War I “a little dust up”.

But, there is a break in these awful black clouds of doom, beloved. Last week, everyone’s favorite “short-fingered vulgarian” finally spoke to the country on this issue. In what only be described as “a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing,” Trump “disavowed” the alt-right.

Last Tuesday, during an interview with New York Times staffers, the  PEOTUS was asked about the group and he said “I disavow and condemn them”. Sounds good, right? Well, I wouldn’t get too excited because he also said “It’s not a group I want to energize, and if they are energized, I want to look into it and find out why.” It appears our president-elect is the only person in the country who is unaware of how his candidacy and election has breathed new life into what we all hoped was a dying movement. Great, just frickin’ great.

What’s that? You think I shouldn’t criticize Mr. Trump’s remarks out of hand like that? Oh, don’t worry, Sparky, I have given careful consideration to what President-elect BabyHands said. But, the fact that you feel that way makes me think you haven’t. So, let’s take a look at how his statement last week lines up with with what he’s done so far:

  • During his campaign, David Duke, former Imperial Wizard of Ku Klux Klan, was very vocal about his support of Trump. When CNN’s Jake Tapper asked if he would repudiate the support of an avowed racist, the future leader of the free world said, “I don’t know anything about David Duke. Okay? I don’t know anything about what you’re even talking about with white supremacy or white supremacists.” (He was lying) But wait, there’s more!
  • After going through campaign operatives like a pothead goes through a bag of tacos, Trump hired Steve Bannon. Yes,beloved, the same Steve Bannon who bragged that Breitbart.com, the website of which he was CEO, was “the platform for the alt-right”. After he won the election and began putting together his cabinet, Trump’s first act was to appoint Bannon as his chief adviser.
  • His pick for Attorney-General, the cabinet official charged with enforcing civil and voting rights is Sen, Jeff Sessions (R) of Alabama. This is significant because in 1986, a Republican Senate committee denied Sessions a federal judgeship after former colleagues testified that he “used the n-word and joked about the Ku Klux Klan, saying he thought they were ‘okay, until he learned that they smoked marijuana.’”

So, on one hand we have Trump’s statement that he is not allied with the racist, anti-Semitic, misogynistic, Neo-Nazi internet trolls who, after his election to the highest office in the land, are now slithering out from under the digital rocks to which they had been relegated. On the other, we have specific actions on his part which indicate that he may have actively courted the support of the alt-right; at the very least, he had no problem with them.Sure, Donald, you “disavow and condemn them” in the same way I “disavow and condemn” my mother’s chocolate cake while shoveling another bite into my mouth.

 

It’s That Time of Year Again: The Annual “What I’m Thankful For” Post

How about the fact that this shitty ass year is almost over?
How about the fact that this shitty ass year is almost over?

Well, beloved, today is Thanksgiving and you know what that means: It’s time for my annual semi-snarky “What I’m Thankful for” post. This tradition started before the “gratitude challenge” became a thing, but being a dedicated curmudgeon, “What I’m Thankful For” quickly turned into a vehicle for skewering American’s penchant for jumping on a bandwagon while totally ignoring the implications of that bandwagon. Plus, I’m enough  of asshole to really enjoy letting the air out of people’s balloons.

 Saying this year’s post was hard to write  is a bit like saying the Titanic’s maiden voyage hit a snag: true, but a massive understatement. By any reckoning, 2016 has sucked ass. In a year that began with the death of David Bowie and Alan Rickman and is ending with a god damned reality star elected president, it was a bit hard to find things for which to be thankful. Hell, I can’t even say, “It could be worse” with any confidence, because I’m not sure that it could. But, it’s Thanksgiving and this what I do at Thanksgiving. so here goes:
  • Thanksgiving break _ In case you missed it, I’ve gone back to school, pursuing a degree in English. It’s been awhile since I was in the academic world and had sort of forgotten how nice it is to have some time where you aren’t freaking out because an assignment you haven’t even started is due in a few hours. But, my enjoyment is tempered by the fact that finals are right around the corner. And, I have a test on my second day back. Good times.
  • My Chucks _ By “Chucks”, I mean Converse Chuck Taylor All Stars. I’m thankful for them for many reasons, but mostly because they’re not New Balance, which has been declared “the official shoe of white people” by The Daily Stormer. Sure, they aren’t “Made in America” anymore, but at least I’m not wearing something endorsed a racist neo-Nazi, alt-right asshole.
  • Pandora Radio _ I have to arrive at school around 7:30 every morning or I have walk what feels like a couple of miles to get to my classes, the first of which starts at 9 AM. I end up spending the intervening time in the cafeteria where the televisions are tuned to ESPN’s SportsCenter (or worse, Headline News). Thanks to Pandora, I can tune out all that inane bullshit  and enjoy something a little more edifying. Like the Weird Al Yankovic channel.
  • Social media _ Every so often, I see people talking about a social media fasts or telling their friends they just can’t take it anymore and their getting off Facebook for a while. Not me. I can’t see any instance where I would willingly give up Twitter or Facebook. I mean, where else am I going to find daily, even hourly, reminders that I’m not the absolute worst person in the world?
  • My friends with young kids _ Because it’s nice to be reminded just how wonderful it is that my kids are grown and (almost) gone.
  • Blog material won’t be hard to come by for the next four years. Yeah, this one’s pretty much an attempt to put lipstick on a pig. But what are you gonna do?

If you’re thinking this year’s list is darker than ones from the past, you’re probably right. But, like I said earlier, 2016 has sucked ass. I don’t know about you, but I’m thankful that it’s almost over.

Taking on the Bad Guys.

satire def
You’d think I wouldn’t need to include this advisory on a piece that is so obviously satire. Past comments, however, would prove you oh, so wrong.

We live in a frightening world these days. Radical Islam hates our freedom and wants to convert and/or kill us all, the threat of Chinese economic hegemony continues unabated and the Russian bear is waking up from a long hibernation. All I can say is thank God  we elected a strong, tough-guy type to lead us through these trying times. And, you need look no further than President-elect Trump’s Twitter feed to that strength and toughness on full display.

Why, just the other day, he stood up to some bullies who treated his vice president, Mike Pence in a very rude mannner. It seems that over the weekend, Pence – a man noted for his anti-LGBTQ views and policies – attended a showing of “Hamilton” – a show that is noted for its support of Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS. Things went awry almost immediately: as Pence entered the theater, the audience began to boo him. Then, to make matters worse, a cast member had the audacity to ask Pence to represent all Americans, even the gay ones. Are you kidding me?!?

But never fear, America, our Dear Leader was on the case and, Sunday morning tweeted:

trump-hamilton-tweet-1

Followed by:

trump-hamilton-tweet-2

 

That mean, old bully, Brandon Victor Dixon (the cast member who spoke to Pence), had the audacity to tell Mr. Trump:

dixon-response

How rude!

But, it didn’t stop there, beloved. Our fearless leader also took on what may be the most dangerous show in America today: Saturday Night Live. While Mr. Trump has a long-standing relationship with NBC, the network that airs the unfunny sketch show, he has only recently come into the cross hairs of the hacks who write for the obviously communistic producer/creator, Lorne Michaels. The show has consistently denigrated a man who has vowed to “Make America Great Again” in the most awful ways. Why, they’ve even stooped so low as to let him host the show! That is wrong on so many levels.

The president-elect’s feud with the late-night comedy show kicked up a notch after Saturday night’s disgraceful portrayal of him when, as any strong leader would,  he let them know what he thought:

trump-tweet-snl

Noted presidential disrespecter Alec Baldwin tweeted back:

baldwin-response

What? Television shows are free to mock the president and we’re supposed to be okay with that? Before anyone starts quoting the First Amendment at me, I’m pretty sure that criticizing elected officials isn’t what the Founding Fathers wanted to protect.

Yes, friends, our new president certainly has the right stuff to protect and defend our nation from all the threats arrayed against it. I don’t know about you, but I feel better already.

When the Band Begins to Plays

veteransTommy
By Rudyard Kipling

I went into a public-'ouse to get a pint o' beer,
The publican 'e up an' sez, "We serve no red-coats here."
The girls be'ind the bar they laughed an' giggled fit to die,
I outs into the street again an' to myself sez I:
    O it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, go away";
    But it's "Thank you, Mister Atkins", when the band begins to play,
    The band begins to play, my boys, the band begins to play,
    O it's "Thank you, Mister Atkins", when the band begins to play.
 
I went into a theatre as sober as could be,
They gave a drunk civilian room, but 'adn't none for me;
They sent me to the gallery or round the music-'alls,
But when it comes to fightin', Lord! they'll shove me in the stalls!
    For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, wait outside";
    But it's "Special train for Atkins" when the trooper's on the tide,
    The troopship's on the tide, my boys, the troopship's on the tide,
    O it's "Special train for Atkins" when the trooper's on the tide.
 
Yes, makin' mock o' uniforms that guard you while you sleep
Is cheaper than them uniforms, an' they're starvation cheap;
An' hustlin' drunken soldiers when they're goin' large a bit
Is five times better business than paradin' in full kit.
    Then it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, 'ow's yer soul?"
    But it's "Thin red line of 'eroes" when the drums begin to roll,
    The drums begin to roll, my boys, the drums begin to roll,
    O it's "Thin red line of 'eroes" when the drums begin to roll.
 
We aren't no thin red 'eroes, nor we aren't no blackguards too,
But single men in barricks, most remarkable like you;
An' if sometimes our conduck isn't all your fancy paints,
Why, single men in barricks don't grow into plaster saints;
    While it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, fall be'ind",
    But it's "Please to walk in front, sir", when there's trouble in the wind,
    There's trouble in the wind, my boys, there's trouble in the wind,
    O it's "Please to walk in front, sir", when there's trouble in the wind.
 
You talk o' better food for us, an' schools, an' fires, an' all:
We'll wait for extry rations if you treat us rational.
Don't mess about the cook-room slops, but prove it to our face
The Widow's Uniform is not the soldier-man's disgrace.
    For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Chuck him out, the brute!"
    But it's "Saviour of 'is country" when the guns begin to shoot;
    An' it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' anything you please;
    An' Tommy ain't a bloomin' fool -- you bet that Tommy sees!

The Appeal of Donald Trump

Earlier this year, John Oliver said, “Donald Trump can seem appealing, until you take a closer look; much like the lunch buffet at a strip club. Or the NFL. Or, having a pet chimpanzee. Sure, it seems fun. But, one day, Coco’s gonna tear your fucking limbs off.” That may be the absolute best way to look at the candidacy of Donald Trump I’ve ever heard. But, no matter what he does, the guy just keeps getting more and more popular. That leads me to ask, “What is it about this short-fingered vulgarian, that people find so appealing?”

Most of us who don’t support Donald Trump wonder why his supporters want to burn it all down, but the better question is why wouldn’t they? If the elites had spent the last 50 years using the system to fuck you, you’d probably want to burn it down, too.

The rise of the of the Tea Party and it’s ultimate candidate, Trump, is due in no small part to the betrayal felt by work class whites toward the establishment. The GOP has promised these people the world and they haven’t delivered. More to point, they never had any intention of delivering.

There are a couple of problems with Crowder’s video, however. First off, it doesn’t go very deep. Mostly, I’d attribute that to the forum; as a rule, I don’t think people are going to sit through a long, in-depth analytical video on Facebook. I know I won’t. But, there’s something else going on: Crowder, like all too many of us liberals, is pretty damn condescending to our neighbors who support the Donald.

Most of the people I know who are supporting Trump aren’t overtly, or even consciously, racist.

Donald Trump, no internal dialogue? I’m not sure he’s ever had a thought he didn’t voice. Sometimes, you should just think it and not say it.

The Flaming Assholes

No, that’s not the name of a punk band. It’s not my latest nickname for the Republican-led North Carolina General Assembly, either. That, beloved, is the latest warning to people who are LGBTQ from Reverend David Manning of the Atlah World Missionary Church.

In a recent episode of his online series, “The Manning Report”, the good reverend said, “If you are a sodomite, God’s going to have a flame coming out of your butthole!” Just a few minutes before that, he said,”God is going to put a cancer in the butthole of every Sodomite.” It appears the good Reverend doesn’t understand theology or anatomy. Because, to the best of my knowledge, neither of those things work like that.

Manning doesn’t understand theology because 1) the sin of Sodom wasn’t gay sex, it was a severe lack of hospitality (and, I mean that in the biblical sense. See Ezekiel 16:49-50) and 2) GOD DOESN’T GIVE PEOPLE CANCER! I don’t have a scripture to back that last one up, I’m relying on common sense. If you want to follow a god who’s that much of an asshole, I suppose that’s your prerogative. Personally, I prefer one who helps me through shit like that.

He’s just as far off base when it comes to anatomy. In case you didn’t know, I am a two-time colorectal cancer survivor (which can be, to put it bluntly, cancer of the butthole), so I have a little knowledge on this subject. Now, I’ll be the first to say that both of my bouts with the Big “C” sucked ass, but it never felt like I had a flame coming out of my butt.

That’s not to say I haven’t had what felt like flames coming out of my butt a few times. But, it’s usually after eating something really spicy. Once, I had some pork braised in Scott’s barbecue sauce. The next morning, when I went to the bathroom, I swear there was fire coming out of my ass. The rest of the day, I took a garden hose with me whenever I felt the urge. Of course, that was after delaying as long as I could. I mean, who wants a jet of flame shooting out of their butt when they relieve themselves?

To be fair, Manning’s claim isn’t exactly what you’d call “unexpected”; the man has a history of saying batshit crazy stuff. I mean, we are talking about the guy who said Starbucks flavors their lattes with semen. Here’s a direct quote:  “Semen flavours up the coffee, and makes you thinks you’re having a good time.” Wait, what? How would that even work? Like every Starbucks have a gay guy in the back, masturbating furiously to provide all this “flavor”? Something tells me you’d have a hard time getting that one past the health inspector.

 Manning’s “flaming asshole” statement may be his swan song, however. It seems that his church is having some financial difficulties. So much so, that a NY state judge ordered the building be sold at public auction to due $1 million in unpaid bills and fines. He is, of course, fighting the order. But, even if he prevails in this case, he personally owes hundreds of thousand of dollars in back taxes. Saying that it doesn’t look good is like saying Ted Cruz is kind of creepy; i.e. one hell of an understatement.
I don’t know about you, but that makes me a little sad. Oh sure, Manning preaches hate, but at least it was interesting and creative hate. Compared to fiery buttholes and semen-flavored lattes, Franklin Graham’s crusade against the Girl Scouts and Pat Robertson’s senile ramblings sound relatively sane. Call me crazy, but I’m almost rooting for the nutty bastard. What can I say, I like an underdog. Especially one that provides the kind of blog fodder that Manning does.