Tag Archives: Franklin Graham

Making Jesus Great Again

Now, that’s my kind of savior!

Since we elected Donald Trump to make America great again, I think we need to take some steps to make Christianity great, too. Now, most of you probably believe that Christianity is already great. I mean, God did answer the prayers of hundreds of thousands of Christians in giving the election to Donald Trump and all, but you have to admit, there are areas of Christianity that could use some work. Like all that non-violence talk and the stuff about money that libtards yammer on about. But, the starting point for all this has to be giving Jesus a makeover. And, boy, does he need it.

What, you don’t think we need a new Jesus? Boy, have you got your head in the sand. I mean seriously, turn the other cheek and love your neighbor? What a cuck. No, if we’re going to make this religion (and this country) great again, we need to follow a real manly man, a jacked Jesus, if you will. I don’t know about you, but I have no desire to follow some little pussy who won’t even fight back.

To accomplish this makeover, we’re going to have tip over a few sacred cows. Like, for instance, the Bible. That will probably be the biggest obstacle in branding our new and improved alt-savior. Yes, I know the Bible is the pure, unadulterated Word of God and every syllable is literally true and needs no interpretation. But, seriously, we’ve been furtively working the Good Book to our benefit for centuries, what with all the proof-texting and cherry picking. All I’m saying is we stop sneaking and come out in the open.

Our most common weapon should be to just ignore the verses we don’t like and focus hard on the ones we do. Like, we just omit all those inconvenient calls to non-violence that Jesus issued and concentrate on the one that goes, “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.” Easy peasy, right? Like I said, we’ve been doing this shit for years. And, the ones we can’t ignore just need a little tweaking; you know, sort of like Andy Schlafly did with his Conservative Bible project.

Take that “turn the other cheek” bullshit. In Matthew 5:38-39, Jesus says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.” With just a little work, it becomes “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But, I tell you do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, pop that motherfucker in the face.” Now, that’s a guy I can respect!

I’m telling you, this won’t be that difficult. I mean, we already elected a thrice-divorced casino owner who has committed adultery on numerous occasions, made multiple semi-incestuous comments about his daughter and appeared on the cover of Playboy, and cited our faith for doing so. All this new movement will require is selling what’s left of our souls and giving up the few principles we have left. How hard can that be?

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Special thanks to Alaina Cobb for the inspiration and revised Bible verse. I couldn’t have done it without you, friend!

Don’t Do It, Charlotte? Too Late, They Done Did It

satire def
^^^Because some people are irony-impaired.^^^

So, the Charlotte city council recently voted to allow transgenders to use whatever bathroom they damn well please. Well, beloved, if you need a sign of the moral degeneration currently taking place in the United States, here it is. I mean, we’re seriously going to let men use women’s bathrooms just because they claim to “feel like a woman”? If it’s not immediately struck down, we’re headed for a disaster of biblical proportions! Complete with human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together and mass hysteria.

You may think that response is a little over the top, but you’d be oh so wrong. You see, in the two days since Charlotte passed this abomination, some of North Carolina’s most God-fearing leaders have begun shouting from the mountain tops to alert the citizens that the dreaded “gay agenda” is attempting to take over our fair state.

As I told you a couple of weeks ago, Franklin Graham spoke up about the menace to our children represented in this legal anathema. And, right before the vote, Governor Pat McCrory emailed the two conservative stalwarts on the council to inform them that passage would “most likely cause immediate state legislative intervention.” Yesterday, Speaker of the NC House Tim Moore released a statement that legislators are planning a bill to block not only Charlotte’s ordinance, but also in any other similar laws passed in the state. Thank you, God, for men such as these.

Make no mistake, brothers and sisters, this is the moral crisis of our generation and we need to stand strong. Oh sure, several NC communities are all over lists of the hungriest cities in the nation and, a list of municipalities where poverty is growing the fastest includes the four largest cities in the state, but who cares about a bunch of deadbeats now that the government has decided to take up for the gays? Even worse, they want to protect a bunch of she-males? There’s a word for those people and we all know what it is (it starts with “pr” and ends with “edator”).

Is there any basis for the fear that child molesters will use this “bathroom bill” as a way to find little girls for their nefarious purposes? Of course not. Are there, in fact, multiple places where such ordinances have been on the books for several years and haven’t resulted in an increase in sexual assault or rape? Absolutely (see above link). Stop clouding the issue with facts, damn it!

Look, I know that persecuting gays and trannies seems to fly in the face of Christianity since Christians suffered awful persecution in the days of the early church and we follow a man who taught to us love and accept everyone, not just people who look like us. And, a Republican-controlled legislature passing laws to subvert a city council’s decision seems utterly absurd, as they constantly remind us that the GOP is the party of small government. But, seriously, none of that matters. Things are changing and, as a straight, white, cisgender (and by “cisgender”, I mean “normal”) man, I am terrified that gays and the transgenders might  treat me as bad as I’ve treated them. I’m not sure I could stand that.

Of Frogs, Pants and “Promoting Sin”

A couple of months ago, I pretty much swore off stories about Franklin Graham. The guy is a broken record, bitching about the “gays”, the “muslims” and President Obama and I was approaching burnout where he’s concerned. That all changed this morning when I read this Facebook status he posted yesterday:

FG Muppets

Yes, beloved, the Muppets are “promoting sin to a younger and younger audience” and Franklin is joining One Million Moms (don’t worry, we’ll get them in a minute) in “urging parents to call on ABC to take it off the air. Okay, then.

So, One Million Moms. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this organization, here’s a little background on them: Basically, they’re the email/fundraising arm of the lovely American Family Association, one of the more despicable anti-LBGT hate groups out there. They’re also one of the crazier ones, promoting such ideas as Christians are now just as oppressed as black folks were prior to the Civil Rights movement, equating people who are LGBT allies to Nazi’s, that the President hates white Americans because he authorized changing the name back to Denali and other insane rantings. But, their latest petition leaves all that (and Graham’s puny Facebook condemnation) in the dust: “The Muppets” is not suitable family fare because “…Kermit doesn’t wear pants”. I’ll pause for a minute and let you try to absorb that statement.

Okay, now that you have your brain wrapped around the fact that a group of adults who want to be taken seriously have their knickers in a twist because a puppet is not wearing pants (well, as much as you can, anyway), let’s look a little deeper into this insanity. Citing the fact that Kermit isn’t wearing any pants as part of the reason that the show isn’t fit for kids is…, let’s say “interesting”, since Kermit has never worn pants! Okay, so he did in a couple of movies and the occasional bit on the TV show, but the frog’s default setting is most definitely sans pants. Especially on Sesame Street. Guess that means one of the most revered kids shows of all time isn’t “suitable for family viewing.”

There are other complaints besides Kermit’s attire (or lack thereof): according to 1MM, “Miss Piggy came out as a pro-choice feminist during an MSNBC interview” which means “The puppet characters loved by kids in the 1970s and 1980s and beyond are now weighing in on abortion and promiscuity”. I suspect these two issues are more of a problem than Kermit’s pants. To be fair, though, the pants comment was probably an attempt at humor on the part of 1MM and, while it definitely succeeded, I don’t think the resultant laughs were the kind they were shooting for.

The Moms also ask “How many parents want to explain the punchline of sexually charged jokes to young children?” Which is a bit odd because Parker and I watched the first show last night and neither of us can remember anything “sexually charged” in the episode.  It’s almost as if they were watching an entirely different show. Oh wait, they didn’t watch it at all before weighing in. Seems to me actually viewing a show might be something you’d want to do before calling for its cancellation.

Perhaps the most interesting aspect of the entire thing is the lack of outrage at “interspecies relationships” (though it does get a mention in Graham’s FB tirade). Seriously, you’re torqued about a frog not wearing pants, but his thing for pigs isn’t a problem? Let me get this straight, Kermit’s relationship with Miss Piggy and Gonzo’s creepy chicken fetish were both “family friendly” and wouldn’t bring up uncomfortable questions, but jokes about where a bear might take a dump or Animal’s reluctance to go on the road with Imagine Dragons (“Too many women, too many towns“) cross the line? That’s one weird-ass line.

Both Graham and One Million Moms make a mistake that many of us have for quite a while:we see the Muppets and their shows/movies as children’s fare. That’s not been true since Kermit and company started working outside Sesame Street back in the 70’s. Oh sure, there have always been elements of the Muppets that kids enjoyed, but the humor was aimed squarely at adults. This new show drops all the pretenses and goes after its targeted audience directly. Considering that most young kids today have almost no connection to these characters, that’s actually pretty smart.

In their zeal to “protect” kids from such awful things as sex, bodily functions and actual issues facing us today, Graham and 1MM fail to live up to their calling: protecting kids from things they actually need to be protected from. You know, abuse, hunger, homelessness, poverty, etc. If these people want to get your panties in a wad about things that aren’t “family friendly”, seems like those might be a good place to start.

The Gatekeepers Are Not Happy

TheGatekeeperWizardofOzOn Monday, I told you about the people who felt it was their Christian duty to stand outside my church and verbally harass members spread the love of God. Now, it’s possible that I’m still a little…, let’s say “sensitive” (mostly because I don’t want to say “butt-hurt”) over their protest, but I got a little irritated at a Christian Post article I read this morning. It seems that First Baptist Church of Greenville, SC is “now accepting of gay ordination and marriage.” Of course, the church couched their decision in much less douchy terms: “In all facets of the life and ministry of our church, including but not limited to membership, baptism, ordination, marriage, teaching and committee/organizational leadership, First Baptist Greenville will not discriminate based on sexual orientation or gender identity.” As you can imagine, this isn’t sitting well with the self-appointed gatekeepers of all things moral.

One of those gatekeepers is Al Mohler, who said the church’s decision puts it “at odds with Scripture, at odds with the history of the Christian church, and this is also significant, at odds with the denomination with which the church had so long been affiliated, the Southern Baptist Convention.” Oh, there is so much that’s wrong with this comment. First of all, as he usually does, Mohler assumes that his view of scripture is not just the right one, but the universally accepted one; it is neither. Second, he says FBC is “at odds with the history of the Christian church”. Yes, because the history of the Christian church is sooo wonderful. Seriously, falling back on a legacy of genocide, persecution and oppression really isn’t the selling point he thinks it is. And, then there’s the idea that it’s “at odds with the denomination with which the church had so long been affiliated, the Southern Baptist Convention.” I’m not sure why that’s even in there, as 1st Baptist left the convention in 1999 after hardliners like Mohler took over that organization. Much like the history of the church, being at odds with SBC isn’t such a bad thing, in my opinion. Finally, Mohler said that FBC’s decision was “not unexpected”, but it was “still tragic.” Following Jesus’ final commandment to his followers is tragic? That word must mean something different to me than it does to him.

Of course, Brother Al isn’t the only one with their knickers in a twist; Franklin Graham also had something to say on the subject (imagine that). According to Graham, “First Baptist Church of Greenville, S.C., has decided that it is going to not only accept same-sex couples, but they’re going to ordain gay and transgender ministers into their pulpit! This is disappointing and discouraging.” He followed that lovely sentiment up with this one, “… [T]hey said they are ’embracing the complexities of gender identity.’ According to God’s Word, what they are embracing is sin. The Bible says, ‘Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness …’ (Isaiah 5:20).” Maybe it’s just me, but that may be the most unintentionally ironic use of scripture, ever.

Let’s be honest, here; the only difference between the people who stood outside my church the other Sunday with their ugly signs and their toxic theology and these guys isn’t the message, it’s the delivery. They’re all saying the same thing: that people who are just trying to live their lives as God created them aren’t beloved children of that same God; Mohler and his associates just aren’t as open about their feelings as our WBC wannabes are. In other words (stealing a line from The Bard), a turd by any other name still smells like shit.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

satire defGeez, it seems like no matter where I look these days, there’s god-damned rainbow staring me in the face. It’s all over Facebook and there are pictures of that damned flag everywhere. Hell, I’ve even seen a couple in real life. And, that this is happening as the Confederate flag is coming down makes things even worse. For the life of me, I cannot understand why the gay flag is okay, but the Confederate one isn’t. Oh sure, the rainbow flag is a symbol of a marginalized group fighting for equality and the Confederate flag has a long, ugly history of use by racists and bigots, but that’s no reason to support one over the other, is it?  Who, oh who is going to stand up for all the good, God-fearing Christians out there?

Well, we have our champion and it’s all thanks to the gays and Obama’s cowtowing to their agenda. That little stunt of bathing the White House in the colors of the rainbow was a step to far and now the big guns are out. That’s right, Franklin Graham is pissed. And, of course, he took to Facebook to vent his spleen about your usurpation of such a fine Christian symbol. Check this out:

Franklin Graham rainbow white house

And, guess what bitches? It’s going viral. I know it is because the Conservative Tribune said so. What’s that? You’ve never heard of the Conservative Tribune? Well, let me clue you in. They are the website that brought us such hard-hitting journalistic pieces as “Famous Fast Food Chain Bans Wet Wipes So Muslims Aren’t “Offended” and “America-Hating Obama Unveils Sick Plan That Will End July 4th As We Know It“. I wish I had more info on them but, alas, they don’t have an “About” page and there’s almost nothing about them available on the web. Oh well, you know what they say: “If it’s on the internet, it must be true.”

But, that’s enough about those fine upstanding newspeople at the Conservative Tribune. Instead, let’s talk about God’s voice on earth. No, silly, not the Pope; God abandoned Frankie when started in with all that commie stuff. The man claims we need “a better distribution of wealth”. Doesn’t he know that God is a free-market capitalist? Seriously, he won’t shut up about all that “justice” crap. I don’t know about anyone else, but thinking about that stuff is hard and makes my head hurt. Lucky for me, God has chosen to speak to humankind through Franklin Graham, a man who spends his time worrying about the issues that really matter to Jesus’ followers. Like whether the President is really a Christian and what will happen to America now that we’ve thrown out God’s word and embraced apostasy. And, by “apostasy”, I mean “equal rights for gay people”.

So, the Supreme Court signs on to Big Gay’s agenda to destroy the United States and, in celebration, Obama lights up the White House like a big ol’ gay flag? Really? On the 4th of July, did he light it up in red, white and blue? I think not. But, then what do you expect from someone with such a shady background. Seriously, we still haven’t seen his birth certificate, yet (well, not one we’ll acknowledge, that is). It’s not bad enough that we’ve accepted the abomination that is gay marriage, but now we’ve allowed the gays  to co-opt the rainbow and use it to mock us? God is going to get us for that.

Of course, there are some liberal wags who suggest that if God didn’t smite the United States over holding millions of people in bondage and getting rich off the sweat of their brow, committing genocide against the native population of this continent and stealing their land, rounding up American citizens of Japanese descent and putting them in concentration camps and the disenfranchisement, marginalization and even lynching of African-Americans, God probably won’t pour out his wrath on us because we’ve seen fit to recognize the equality of people who are LGBT+  when it comes to marriage. Well, I’m sorry, Mr/Mrs Liberal, but “probably” just isn’t good enough. Besides, if I stop worrying about the non-existent possibility that God will punish us for loving our neighbor, I might have to actually do the hard work of, well, loving my neighbor. And, I’ll be damned if that’s going to happen.

Why, That’s Just Crazy Talk!

Recently, a friend shared an article that quoted part-time pastor and full-time shill for Israel John Hagee as saying that women should be put in jail for calling out, “Oh god” when they’re knocking boots. I have to say I was ecstatic at this gift from comedy heaven; maybe not as thrilled as Jon Stewart was when the Donald announced he was running for president, but pretty damn happy. That ecstasy was short-lived, however; a friend pointed out that the post was on Newslo. You see, Newslo is a “hybrid News/Satire platform” that presents a “unique brand of entertainment and information.” That’s a nice way of saying they take an actual story and embellish it for comic effect. But, here’s the thing: you don’t have to do that. There are plenty of Christians out there saying things that are at least as crazy as the words Newslo put in Hagee’s mouth. Here are a few of the more…, let’s say, “interesting” ones:

  • We’ll kick this list off with an oldie, but goodie: Pat Robertson. Pat, founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network and host of The 700 Club, is known for making outrageous comments. A quick rundown of his greatest hits includes such gems as “…those who are homosexual will die out because they don’t reproduce” and that people are gay because they were “attacked [or] molested by some authority figure, or else a magazine or something has confused them.” His latest, however, may just trump every other boneheaded statement he’s ever made: God let a 3-year-old child die because he/she could’ve grown up to be the next Hitler. Or, Stalin. Or, a serial killer. Well, that theology isn’t fucked up at all.
  • Next up is Franklin Graham, who may be to me what Donald Trump is Jon Stewart, i.e. the gift that keeps on giving. On June 5th, we were treated to an anti-LGBTQ rant that called on Christians to boycott companies that are friendly to “the gays” and it appeared on Facebook. Then, just few days later, he told Washington Watch guest-host Craig James that full inclusion of LGBTQ people will “destroy our church in this country if (it) continues.” Hmm, I’d have to say straight Christians are doing a fine job destroying the church on their own.
  • I don’t want to limit this list to preachers because there’s some really good stuff out there coming from lay people. Take the Jensens, from Canberra, Australia for instance. Nick and Sarah Jensen have announced that if same-sex marriage becomes legal in their country, they’re getting divorced.  They’re rationale for this move? According to Nick, “The truth is, ‘marriage’ is simply too important. It is a sacred institution, ordained by God … Any attempt to change the definition of marriage by law is not something in which we are able to partake.” So, it sounds like they’re getting divorced to save marriage. That doesn’t even make as much sense as having sex to save the friendship.
  • No list of crazy Christian statements could be considered complete without something from Michele Bachmann. Like Robertson, Bachmann has an impressive catalog of hits, but my personal favorite was when she claimed the nuclear treaty being hammered out with Iran would bring about the Rapture. On Jan Markell’s “End Times” radio show, she said, “We in our lifetimes potentially could see Jesus Christ returning to earth and the rapture of the church. We see the destruction, but this was a destruction that was foretold” and that, “We need to realize how close this clock is getting to the midnight hour.” Basically, Obama is the anti-Christ and he’s doing his damnedest to take over the world. Bachmann takes bat-shit crazy to a whole other level; if only she were more prolific. Oh well, a boy can dream, can’t he?
  • Then, there’s the American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer. Like Bachmann and Robertson, Fischer is no stranger to crazy-ass remarks. We are, after all, talking about the man who said you could “make a geographical connection between the flooding and the practice of the occult and witchcraft and the embrace of homosexuality“. So far, we haven’t had a comment about that favorite evangelical bugaboo, abortion, so let’s rectify that situation right now. Earlier this month, Fischer warned that we’re going to face “the destruction of this land through the shedding of blood in our streets” unless we outlaw abortion. Like, right now. I’m going to go out on a limb and say America is probably safe from divine retribution on this account as abortion has been legal for over 40 years and nothing has happened.
  • Any sarcastic/satirical article worth its salt must have a good closer and, with that in mind, I saved the best for last. It seems that Arizona pastor Steven Anderson took time off from screaming about the “gay menace” to weigh in on the Holocaust and did something I never thought possible: he made his anti-LGBTQ statements seem almost sane. Now, you would think that the real controversy here would be his contention that Holocaust survivors are liars. And, yeah, it is. But, that’s not all; you see, in addition to denying that the Holocaust even happened, he said “Remember, Holocaust means whole burnt offering. You know what the real Holocaust is? The real burnt offering is going to be when all these Jews that don’t believe in Jesus Christ go to Hell for eternity. That’s the oven they ought to be worried about.” But, the most telling line in the whole ugly mess is this: “Now first of all let me just start out by saying this, no, I’m not a racist.” Guess what, Steve? If you have to tell us, “I’m not a racist” before saying whatever is on your mind, we all think there’s a pretty good possibility that you’re a racist.

Like I said back in the first paragraph of this article, who needs to make stuff up when all this is floating around the internet?

Franklin Graham Is A Knob

I hate to say it and I know it’s not very nice, but what else can you call someone whose organization is running a campaign to raise funds for maternal and child healthcare, but simultaneously gets his nose out of joint because a Wells Fargo commercial featuring two lesbian moms who want to adopt a deaf child? According to Graham, the commercial is an example of “the tide of moral decay that is being crammed down our throats by big business, the media, and the gay & lesbian community.” Okay, then.

So, what is the “biggest moral threat to the very moral fiber of our immoral society“? Take a look and see what you think:

Right, two people who love each other enough to spend their lives together and want to adopt a child that others ignore (because disablities. Duh) is a sign of “moral decay”. I guess all the racism, income inequality and poor shaming going on in this country is exactly what God wants of us.

As I said in the first paragraph, Samaritan’s Purse is raising money for maternal and children’s healthcare and the headline on the campaign’s page says “Celebrate Moms”. Maybe it’s just me, but if your organization has a web page saying that, does it make a whole lot of sense to get pissed off about a commercial that…, oh, I don’t know, celebrates moms?!? On their website, Samaritan’s Purse says they’re “sharing the message of unconditional love through the Gospel.” If that kind of two-faced bullshit is the Gospel, count me the fuck out.

On the lighter side, it’s getting so that I don’t need to come up with punch lines when I write about Graham; his own words are better than anything I could dream up. Seriously, all I have to do is repeat what he said. Like this time: the man is on Facebook, calling for a boycott on LGBTQ-friendly businesses. And, he pulled BGEA and Samaritan’s purse money out of Wells Fargo and moved it to BB&T. Why is that interesting? Because both organizations are pretty gay-friendly. Facebook, along with a lot of other organizations, has urged the Supreme Court to overturn state bans on same-sex marriage and BB&T has sponsored a Miami Beach Gay Pride fundraiser and hosted a wedding ceremony for a gay couple in their South Beach branch.

In a rather lame attempt to explain moving from one LGBT-friendly bank to another, Graham said that Wells Fargo “went beyond being gay-friendly to being a public advocate – through a national TV advertising campaign – for a lifestyle we, as a Christian organization, believe to be biblically wrong.” BB&T, on the other hand, “did not promote the program through a national advertising campaign or we would still be looking for another bank.” Uh huh. That’s a bit of an equivocation from a fellow who said just a couple of days earlier, “Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards.” I’m guessing that finding a bank big enough to handle his money and wasn’t LGBT-friendly turned out to be a little harder than he expected.

If there’s a silver lining to this hate-filled dark cloud, it’s that last sentence. The idea that Graham couldn’t find another bank that measured up to his homophobic ideals and had to settle for one that “did not promote” its embrace of the homosexual lifestyle people being true to who they are is another sign that we might just be turning a corner on LGBTQ issues in this country. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s some pretty good news.

You’re Making Jesus Cry, Anne

Anne Graham Lotz recently wrote on her website that “Jesus is soon to return to take all of His followers to Heaven with Him in what is referred to as The Rapture.” She followed that gem up with this:

“While this will be deliverance for His people, can you imagine the impact on our nation, let alone the world, when suddenly every single authentic Christian disappears?

Institutions will collapse. Banks will close. The Stock Market will plunge. Planes will fall out of the sky. Cars will crash on the road. Government in America at every level will disintegrate. Families will be torn apart. In the unprecedented turmoil, our nation will be vulnerable for our enemies to seize the moment and attack us. There will be mass chaos, confusion, fear, grief, despair, anger, threats, danger… judgment.”

Don’t you just love it when Christian celebrities try to evangelize by scaring the shit out of people.

There’s just one little hitch with Annie’s idea of the Apocalypse: it’s not in the Bible. What’s that you say? It is in the Bible? Really? Would you mind looking it up and showing us where it says that “every single authentic Christian” will disappear. Don’t worry, we’ll wait. And, while you do that, the rest of us will check out this cool video:

Didn’t find it? Yeah, I was pretty sure you wouldn’t. Like I said, it’s not in there. Oh, there are a few things that have been twisted around and made to fit that story, but the idea that Jesus will come back and suck all his people up to Heaven while everyone else goes through hell on Earth is…not…there. It gets worse, though: Michele Bachmann is a big believer in the Rapture. And, when you agree with Michele Bachmann on something, maybe it’s time to take a look at what you believe.

This current conception of “The Rapture” started about 180 years ago when John Nelson Darby attempted to interpret St. John the Divine’s fever dream (aka, the Book of Revelation). Ease up, theology nerds; I know it’s eschatological literature and, once you understand the symbolism, it’s not all that weird. But, even the most hardcore among you have to admit that, taken literally, it would make a great sci-fi/fantasy read. Unfortunately, all we have on that front is the “Left Behind” series. Let’s be honest, those books aren’t even good Christian fiction. And, yes, that bar is set just as low as you think it is.

I figure Billy Graham pretty much has to be incapacitated.  As a father, I feel sure if he could still lift his arms, he’d beat both his kid’s asses for the way they’ve destroyed the ministry he worked so hard to build. I mean, seriously, between Anne hanging out (ideologically, at least) with people like Michele Bachmann and Kirk Cameron and Franklin’s Islamophobia/Obama Derangement Syndrome, the BGEA‘s credibility is taking some massive hits. Well, outside of fundamentalist/evangelical circles, that is; in that insular world, they’re probably celebrated for “fighting the good fight” and standing up against the “moral relativism” and subsequent decline of this “shining city on a hill”. Give me a fucking break, will you?

Look, if you want to believe some crazy-ass idea that has absolutely no biblical backing whatsoever, that’s your business. But, scaring the shit out of people so they’ll join your failing club is another story. You really, really need to stop that shit. It makes Jesus cry.

 

Iceman Is Gay And Franklin Graham Isn’t Happy

That’s right, boys and girls; classic X-Men member Iceman (aka Bobby Drake) has come out as gay and Franklin Graham is pissed. He took to Facebook to let us about this latest outrage from “the gays,” posting:

grahamiceman

 

 

 

 

 

Really? With all that’s going on in the world,  who has time to get mad about god-damned comic book?

This isn’t the first time conservative Christian’s have gotten their knickers in a twist because the “gay activists” at Marvel have attempted to “indoctrinate our young people to accept this destructive lifestyle.” A couple of years ago, Northstar married his long-time boyfriend, Kyle Jinadu, in “Astonishing X-Men #51,” causing Family Research Council Senior Fellow Peter Sprigg to opine, “It’s unfortunate that this comic book series would be used to advance the sexual revolution and, implicitly, the homosexual political agenda.” And, One Million Moms said, “Children desire to be just like superheroes. Children mimic superhero actions and even dress up in costumes to resemble these characters as much as possible. Can you imagine little boys saying, ‘I want a boyfriend or husband like X-Men?” Oh yes, because reading comic books can turn you “gay.” (Sighs heavily)

Now, I could take some time and refute Graham scripturally; but let’s be honest, that’s not my thing. Oh, I’ve done it in the past, but I really don’t have the schooling for it and I’d have to rely on the work of others. So, let’s cut out the middle man and let the experts handle it. And, to be even more honest, that never really works, does it? I mean, people who believe this stuff aren’t going to be swayed by what we might considered a “reasoned argument”. In some cases, we’re talking about people who believe the world is 6,000-10,000 years old; even in the face of all that evidence of the Big Bang and evolution. Do you really think telling them that they “misunderstand” a few passages in the Bible is going to make a dent in their belief? If you do, I’ve got some real estate you’re going to love.

So, if that’s not “my thing”, then what is? Usually, this is where I use mocking humor and generally derisive statements to skewer my target. Unfortunately, I’ve been told that isn’t nice and I shouldn’t do it anymore. So, let’s try something new: a subtle, even sideways gentle dig. You know, satire.

satire def

I find myself wondering how Franklin got wind of this attempt at “indoctrination”. I’m not trying to dis the guy, but he just doesn’t strike me as an X-men reader. Honestly, I’ve always seen him as more of an “Archie” fan. The wholesome Riverdale gang seems much more his speed than the broody anti-heroes who populate Marvel comics. That notion leads me to suspect he has people who scour the interwebs looking for this kind of thing. In other words, he pays people to look at comic books, movies, television, etc. What a gig that would be! Imagine spending your days pouring over the latest editions of all the cool issues, searching for the outrage du jour and getting paid for it? Where do I sign up?

Now, you might think a guy who calls himself a minister of the Gospel would be worried about things like feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the prisoner, etc. And, I’m sure he is; you can’t pass the hat without providing a little something. I’m sorry, did I just intimate that Graham is money-grubbing charlatan? I misspoke. What I meant to say was, you can’t bring people to Jesus when their stomachs are empty (well, you can, but only if you promise them a meal. After they listen to your sermon, of course). But, I digress. Franklin is providing a service that goes above and beyond boring old food and drink: he’s saving our collective soul! Along with several other ministers, he believes that America is going down the tubes because we’re treating people who are different from us with respe…, sorry, I was about to be mocking and derisive again. What I meant to say is we are not “on guard against all sin”. And, by sin, he means “people who live and love differently than I do.” Damn, I did it again. This “subtle, sideways” thing is harder than it looks.

Is Graham’s response a little short on love? Yes it is; it condemns a whole bunch of people to hell simply for living the way God made them. Included in that group is my own son, who recently came out as transgender. Personally, I feel that anyone who attacks my child deserves all the mocking and derision I can dish out (did I just say that? Get thee behind me, Satan!), but I’m trying to take the high road and be nice. I’m doing a shitty job of it, but I am trying.

News That’s Not Really News

I would like to think people come here looking for commentary that features depth and nuance. If that’s the case, I am so sorry because you’re most likely fucked; depth and nuance aren’t what you’d call my specialties. I wish they were, but you’ve got to work with what the good Lord gave you. Which, in my case means stupidity, snark and sarcasm. Oh well.

I’m a little lazy today, so I fell back on the bloggers best friend: the list. Today’s offering features a few items that are either new or make regular appearances in my news feed. I don’t know why, because none of them are really news.

Was that deep and nuance-y? I hope so. But, even if it wasn’t, I found a way to use some ideas that have cluttering things up around here. I call that a win.