Tag Archives: zombie

Weirdness in the Crèche

The one that started it all for me.
The zombie Jesus nativity scene. Aka, the one that kick started this weird seasonal obsession of mine.

Many of you don’t know this, but I have a thing for weird nativity scenes. Actually, I have a thing weirdness in general, especially when that weirdness tweaks a few sanctimonious noses, and what better place to to do that than with a nativity scene? It’s a sickness, I know.

I became aware of this seasonal fascination last year, when an Ohio family caused an uproar with their zombie Jesus nativity. It was my favorite story of Christmas 2015. Even after they settled their issues with the town zoning board (yes, you read that right), someone was upset enough to leave them a note saying “GOD FROWNS UPON THIS MANGER SCENE,” with an explanation of why Jesus is not a zombie (again, you read that right).

This year, folks have their knickers in a twist over a new nativity scene: the Hipster Nativity Set. I know this because Jim Denison wrote an article for Charisma telling me so. Now, I’m no fan of hipsterdom, but anything that bothers Charisma News can’t be all bad. Can it?

But, friends, these two odd little scenes represent just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to weirdness in the crèche. And I, as your faithful and snarky guide to all things odd, have scoured the Interwebz to suss out what I believe are some the weirdest and most surreal (i.e. best ever) nativity scenes. Gaze upon the wonder, beloved:

mermaid-nativity
Flickr: Teyacapan

First up, we have the Mermaid nativity scene. I’m not sure what it’s made of or why anyone would even concieve of a mermaid Jesus, but that’s why this one is on the list: it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Besides, the craftsmanship is impeccable.

nativitytimer
Courtesy of whyismarko.com

This one not exactly a nativity scene and, to be honest, the inherent commercialization is a little troubling. But, I do have to admire a mind that could find a way to combine the birth of Christ and kitchen gadgets in such a unique way.

meat-nativity
flickr: Greg Chow

Behold the Meat Nativity. It’s made of bacon, breakfast sausage, cocktail wieners and deli meat.  And all that pork is arrayed on a bed of sauerkraut to represent the birth of history’s most famous and beloved Jew.

spam-nativity
Courtesy of whyismarko.com

Yes, that’s Spam. Why is it here? Um, because it’s a nativity scene carved entirely out of Spam?

batman-and-dino-nativity-scene
Courtesy of whyismarko.com

A nativity scene with Batman, multiple Darth Vaders and a T-rex? Yes, please!

tampon-nativity
TamponCrafts.com

And, lastly, we have this: a nativity scene made using tampons. But, that’s not the weirdest thing about this scene: it comes from TamponCrafts.com, a legitimate craft site that teaches you how to make things with tampons. Their tagline? “For any time of the month.”

Stupid Thoughts

stupid thoughtsI don’t think anyone will disagree with me when I say we have been treated to some truly awful shit of late. Then, to have it capped off by what happened in Orlando last weekend is just too…fucking…much. Now, when things get rough, my response is to look for some bit of humor, something to laugh about. Why?  Well, as comedian Chris Hardwick said in his latest Comedy Central special, “Comedy is armor that protects us from the horrible shit-witch of life.” And, as the parent of someone who’s LGBT, I need that armor now, more than ever.

So, where does one find comedy in this horrific shitstorm? Fuck if I know. But, I feel the need to write something funny (well, funny to me, anyway), so here are a few of the stupid thoughts that pass through my brain on a daily basis. With a little luck, maybe you’ll laugh and, for a few minutes, forget how fucked up things are right now.

  • A few years before he died, I found out my dad…, didn’t need Viagra. I know this because he told me so. On hearing this “news”, I was immediately torn. On one hand, I thought, “Oh god, I can’t know that.” On the other, I was like, “Well, at least I come from good genes.”
  • People have asked me, “How can you call yourself a Christian with some of the things you believe?” There are two reasons for that: one, I’m a progressive Christian which means I’m not hung up on a lot the stuff Christians have traditionally worried about: sex, drugs, alcohol, rock and roll, etc. and two, I’m not a very good Christian.
  • Why does every commercial aimed at folks my age seem to be about boner pills and adult diapers? If I need diapers, boner pills probably aren’t going to be necessary.
  • I think I’m going to start referring to myself as a religious satirist. I used to say I was a smart ass with a blog, but that brand is kind of a hard sell.
  • Why does sexy never equal comfortable? Like sweatpants, for example. We know sweatpants aren’t sexy because they don’t sell them at Victoria’s Secret. (Yes, in my mind, Victoria is the arbiter of sexy clothing. It is a step up, though; I used think it was Frederick’s of Hollywood). I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen someone wearing sweatpants and thought, “Damn, I gotta get me some of that.” Probably because of what’s usually worn with sweatpants: t-shirt with stains and non-strategically placed holes, ratty-ass sneakers/sandals and socks (the sexiest of all footwear) and a full-blown case of bed head. Basically, wearing sweatpants in public is like holding up a sign that says, “I don’t fucking care anymore.” I suppose this look does take confidence and confidence is sexy. But, I’m guessing this crosses the line.
  • How can Christians look down on fringe beliefs like Scientology as “crazy”? The Scientology space opera isn’t any more absurd than believing that a Jewish zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree?

This is the first time I’ve tried a post like this, so if you like it, let me know. With a comment. In the comment section. If you don’t…? Well, my first inclination to say “Fuck you”, but that’s probably not the best way to handle criticism. So, I guess you can comment, too. Whatever.

Zombies In The Crèche?

Think this is a nice, peaceful nativity scene? Look a little closer.
Think this is a nice, peaceful nativity scene? Look a little closer.

As the song says, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year”. And, that’s true…, as long as you color within the lines. But, if your approach to celebrating Christmas falls outside the norm, it is so not “the hap-hap-happiest season of all”. Don’t believe me? Just ask Jasen and Amanda Dixon of Sycamore, Ohio.

Like many people this time of year, the Dixon’s put up a life-size nativity scene. Unlike many people, their nativity scene is pissing people off. Why? Because everyone in this particular crèche, the baby Jesus, Joseph, Mary, the shepherds and the wise men, are zombies. Yes, beloved, you read that right: zombies. As in the undead, walkers, ghouls, zeds…, well, I think you get my point. And, that’s not sitting well with some folks.

If you’re thinking that those folks are religious, you’d be right. Last year, when Dixon first put up his zombie-themed nativity scene, a Baptist pastor from Indiana took to the internet, saying “The blasphemy that’s going on. The blasphemy!” And, this year, some other Baptists left a pamphlet that said “GOD FROWNS UPON THIS MANGER SCENE”. Someone needs to tell these people they are not helping the brand.

Now, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure the Divine’s panties are not in a wad over a manger scene in a small, central Ohio town. In reality, there are much bigger fish to fry than one man’s twisted representation of Jesus’ birth. Like, say, the fact that too many people in this world don’t have any fish to fry.

Of course, it’s not just the religious community that’s having a hissy fit over the Dixons’ holiday decorating choices; Sycamore town officials are not pleased. Not, they say, because his crèche is offensive to Christians, but because it violates zoning regulations. Yeah, that’s the ticket. I’m sure none of the council members are God-fearing church folks who are offended by the display and are using their position to defend their faith (and by “defend their faith”, I mean “shit on others”). Christians just don’t roll that way. Right?

The town isn’t playing around, either. Last year, officials let things slide and dropped the charges. But, this time around, they’re a little less forgiving. They rejected Dixon’s permit application and are threatening to fine the couple $500 a day as long as the scene stays up. Repeated attempts to contact the zoning office have not met with success.

While I, personally, think the Dixons’ crèche is pretty fucking awesome, I can see where it might not be someone else’s cup of tea. But, here’s the thing: if you don’t like it, don’t look at it. I have a feeling that people who are expending so much effort to control how the Dixon’s decorate for Christmas are the same ones who cite infringement of their religious freedom when someone tells them they can’t treat others like shit. I also have a feeling that they see no conflict between those two things.

You know, if your faith can’t handle a relatively easy tweak of the nose like a zombie nativity scene, then maybe you need to rethink that faith. Otherwise, you’re going to spend a lot of time being pissed off. And, I’m pretty sure that’s not what the Gospel is all about.

You’re Making Us Look Bad, Pat

I think it goes without saying that Christianity isn’t the sanest belief system on the planet. I mean, orthodox belief says that “a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.” But, just when you think we’re going to settle down into a relatively normal level of insanity, someone will say something that rises above this base level of craziness. Like Pat Robertson, for instance.  Robertson is, of course, the host of ABC Family’s “The 700 Club” and creator of such gems as “…those who are homosexual will die out because they don’t reproduce” and or that people are gay because they were “attacked [or] molested by some authority figure, or else a magazine or something has confused them.” And, bless his heart, he’s done it again.

While discussing a certain Indiana pizzeria during a recent broadcast, Robertson said that Christians are going to be forced to say they like all sorts of things, up and including bestiality. That’s right, kids, being gay is directly equivalent to boning animals. I’m amazed he didn’t also include pedophilia on his list. Brother Pat didn’t limit the things “the gays” will force on us just to”getting down on the farm”, though; he also claimed we’ll forced to say we like oral and anal sex, too. I hate to break to the old boy, but most of us don’t have a problem with anal and oral; at most, some of the more uptight believers may have an issue with admitting they like it.

Pat’s no one hit wonder, though. Back in February, he said we need to be careful buying clothes at the thrift store because they might have demons attached. Yes, beloved; you need to pray over anything you buy at Goodwill to rebuke any demons that might have glommed onto whatever piece of courturierial irony you picked up. When Hugh Hollowell shared this nugget, he said “When our guests (at the Love Wins hospitality house) say things like this, they end up in the nervous hospital.” Evidently, when you’re in Robertson’s position, your eccentricities don’t land you in a mental institution, they improve your ratings.

Robertson, however, is not the only crazy-ass “Christian” out there: Michele Bachman recently said that the president’s proposed nuclear deal with Iran is evidence that The Rapture™ is imminent. And, she’s not that happy about it either. That’s a bit odd, don’t you think? Wouldn’t most Christians who believe in this particular eschatological model would be happy at the prospect of not only Jesus coming back, but all those dirty sinners getting theirs? I guess her Obama Derangement Syndrome has over-ridden her excitement about our Lord and Savior’s imminent return. It’s kind of sad, really. That she believes such crazy-ass stuff, I mean. That whole Rapture thing is just too weird for to think about.

So, why am I concentrating on obvious nutters like Robertson and Bachman when there’s so much ugly crap being said by people like John MacArthur? Because, while I might not have the theological chops to take apart MacArthur’s bullshit, I can write a satirical piece about the insanity that comes from people like Robertson and Bachman. And, hopefully, inspire a laugh or two in the process. If those laughs only come from me, that’s not such a bad thing. Right?