Oh shit, my head hurts. This may be the worst hangover I’ve ever had. Why the fuck am I hungover? I remember going to work yesterday, taking my lunch break, and pretty much everything else. Until I left the office, anyway. Must have gone out drinking, but who did I go with? And, where did we go?, Shit, I don’t remember anything that happened between the moment I walked out the main entrance of the Zeebruge Building and right now, waking up on the floor of…? Shit, I don’t even know where the hell I am. It must have been one epic round of partying. Let’s see if I can figure this out.
That’s not probably gonna happen if I’m lying on the floor. Let’s see if I can sit up without puking. Nope. Not even a little bit. I’m gonna lie back down and regroup. Yeah, that’s not helping, either. Let’s try closing my eyes. That’s a little better. Not much, though. Fuck, I am so not ready for this. Maybe if I lay here a little longer, shit will settle down and I can think.
Oh shit, I must have fallen asleep again. That’s not good. I have no idea where I am, what time it is, or even what fucking day. Fuck. Okay, let’s see if we can put this puzzle together. First, I need to open my eyes. Okay, I’m lying on my side. There’s Josie on the other side of the coffee table. Annnd, she’s naked. I am, too. Well, I still have my shirt. But where are my pants? Geez, what the fuck did we do last night? Surely not that. I mean, Josie’s my best friend, the sister I never had. And, while we both have our kinks, incest is not on the list. Not even the role-playing variety. This is getting weird. Well, weirder. It’s not like things were all that normal before I saw Josie’s boobs.
There is no way I’m going to figure this out looking at my best friend’s tits. I gotta turn over. Why is there a foot in my face? Especially one with three toes and grayish-green skin. Oh god, there’s only one species in the whole goddamn galaxy with feet like that. Fucking Keplerians. Ohfuckohfuckohfuck, did we party with Keplerians last night? FUCK!
God, I wish I could remember shit. Keplerian parties are known to be epically wild, usually ending in an orgy/fistfight. Shit, Josie and I may have done the nasty if that’s the case. And, god knows what else. Look at her lying there with that fucking body. Would it be so bad if we did hook up? No, goddamn it. What the fuck am I thinking? She’s my best friend and I wouldn’t fuck that up just for sex. Would I?
Enough of this shit, I need to take stock of the situation. Let’s see if I can sit up without puking. Okay, no vomit, so that’s good. Now, it looks like I’m in someone’s living room, but the furniture’s not quite right. Like, it works for humanoids but not necessarily humans. That’s no biggie, though. Ever since the Sednoid Wormhole was discovered, there’s been no shortage of aliens on Earth. That means I’m probably in an alien’s apartment. Given the circumstances, probably a Keplerian’s apartment. Makes sense, seeing as how a fucking Keplerian’s foot is hanging in my face. Wow, I am really on the fucking ball this morning. I have got to find my fucking pants, though. There is no way I am going to figure things out if I’m Winnie the Pooh-ing this shit.
Forget pants, nature’s calling. Where’s the goddamn bathroom? Does a race of perpetually horny shapeshifters even need a bathroom? I don’t know enough about Keplerian biology to have any idea of how they handle… that. No one does, really. All we do know is that these motherfuckers are probably the horniest beings in the galaxy. How can we not know anything else? Okay, that line of questioning is going to have to wait. If I don’t find somewhere to pee pretty goddamn quick, Things are gonna get ugly. What’s behind this door? Oh, thank god—a normal toilet. And, there’s a big ass towel on the shelf over there. Maybe I can use it to cover Josie up while we find her clothes. She doesn’t need to know I saw her like that. Hell, I don’t need to know I saw her like that.
Who the fuck is that in the mirror? Jesus, I look like I lost a fight with a gundark. Oh fuck. Waking up naked and all bruised up can only mean one thing: it was an orgy. Okay, calm the fuck down. We’ve got another piece to the puzzle and that’s good. Right now, though, I need to drain the fucking lizard. Then, I can worry about all this other shit. I do not need to add cleaning up piss to this increasingly fucked up list.
Jesus, is it always that loud when I pee? Maybe it’s just my hangover. Probably the hangover. Isn’t everything loud when you’re hungover? God, I hope that’s what it is cause this shit sounds like it could wake the goddamn dead. What the fuck did I drink last night? I’ve never felt this fucking bad on a morning after. And, the memory loss? I am not liking that shit at all. After I’m done here, I’ll check the kitchen and see if I can turn up some clues.
Where is that damn trash can? Shit, do Keplerians even use trash cans? I really should learn more about these motherfuckers as many of them as there are around. What’s this bottle? Durhiri. Is that the stuff that fucks with our memory? Probably so, you fucking rocket scientist. I mean, there’s a couple of empty bottles and you can’t remember a goddamned thing that happened after work. Do the goddamn math, dumbass.
What the hell happened last night? Shit, it could be anything. I mean, it looks like we drank a shitload of Durhiri and fucking Keplerian sexuality is more fluid than a goddamn bonobo’s. Shit, does a race of perpetually horny shapeshifters even have something as mundane as “sexuality”? Especially when they can shapeshift to fit the situation. Okay, I probably boned an alien last night which means the question of Keplerian sexuality is the least of my worries. Odds are I’m going straight to hell. Like, “do not pass go, do not collect $200” going to hell.
Okay, let’s find our clothes and get the hell out of he—oh shit, Josie’s up. And, she’s sitting on the Keplerian’s lap. Except she’s not “sitting”. I shouldn’t be watching this. But I can’t stop watching. Why can’t I stop watching? And, why the fuck am I getting a boner? Thisiswrongthisiswrongthisissogoddamnwrong.
“Hey, big boy. Looks like you’re ready to go again.”
Oh shit, another Keplerian. I guess there’s… two? At least? Fuck it. I am so going to hell for this. But at least it’ll be a fun ride.